Hard and calloused?

[Got2Sleep]

I must be a horrible person, and even worse mother.
Tonight, after the 3rd major rage today(hitting, screaming, shaking..that look--all lasting over 20 mins), I am numb.
He just threw a major one in the front yard because he was tearing up brothers legos and I told them both they had to come in(brother because he was tattling--he is soo dramatic).
Anyway, I walked out to where they were, told them to get the toys and come in...he stood up and said shut up B*&CH! and then said NOW I AM RUNNING AWAY! screaming while the neighbors sat on the porch.
So I told brother lets go and inside we came...B followed with lots of slamming and throwing things..I said...to bed now! He went in his room and kicked top bunk down...I sent brother into shower and put B on my bed.
The the screaming how he is so scared begins ---this is the disorder---back and forth from anger to anxiety...I know he was really scared, but...sadly I dont give a cr*p at this point.
I Let him come back to his room and say DO NOT get off bed. He does the little dance..I am off, now I am on...over and over...I tell him I am calling psychiatrist...he freaks! I mean, literally shaking and scared to death...I dont want to go to the unit he is yelling...but it all spirals again soon. I kept asking if he needed help getting in control..finally he says yes, moaning and rocking. I wrapped him in blanket and held him for problem 10-15 mins....never saying a word..I swear if I talk, it begins again. Anyway...I hate that I am so callous about it...but you know...I am just exhausted. Usually I feel guilty and bad, tonight I feel like residential looks good. I dont want to give up on my son...but at this point, I am not sure how much more I can give.

 

[JJJ]

You don't sound like a horrible mother. You are living in a horrible situation and being called upon to make horrible decisions. It is your own defense mechanism that makes you feel numb. Has the psychiatrist suggested Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Can you get respite? I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed - I know that feeling well.

 

[Andy]

You are not calloused. You are learning to detach - to not let your difficult child control your emotions. Our kids are so good at making us concentrate on our own emotion at the moment (anger, hopelessness, guilt). We need to work past those emotions to reach them. We have to handle tantrums and behaviors in a business like behavior. This is the rule, you need to stop what you are doing. You are safe. You also need to know how your difficult child operates and learn what space is needed and what techniques work best.

You did a great job in addressing the need for difficult child to regain control. Just knowing that you were nearby was helpful but if you had said anything, it would have been overwhelming, just one more thing to process. That is why complete silence was needed for the cool down period. Good for you for picking up on that. Sometimes we try too hard to rescue our kids from their emotions when the best thing is for them to figure it out and gain control on their own.

After these situations, have you ever talked to your difficult child about what happened? Can he recognize when his stress level starts? "When you start to get mad, come tell me."
Is he working with a psychiatrist or therapist who can help him with coping skills? Once you learn what his coping skills are, write them down and keep reminding him of them when his anxiety starts. My difficult child is 11 yrs old and I still sometimes have to direct him to his skils, "Mom, I feel weird" (his sign of anxiety building), "O.K. What are you suppose to do?" For a 6 year old I would actually tell him what he needs to do, "Remember, doctor said to ..........."

You may have to concentrate more on difficult child's emotions - check in on him more often and if you sense stress building, have a plan to redirect him to a different activity. "difficult child, we need to let brother play alone with his legos - he wants some quiet time. Can you play with ............... or help me with ............ (away from brother)." or "difficult child, let's go find a snack" (Let the other kids know this is your signal to get difficult child away from them - otherwise they may just want to come in also) then after the snack find another activity away from the sibling. (You can take a snack out to siblings while difficult child is eating inside.)

Just ideas to get you through until your next visit with doctor. Remember to journal every situation and take to doctor visit (I find I can often forget some details that are important for the doctor to know). I have also written up a document explaining a serious situation. I put difficult child's entire name and date of birth and date of the incident on the top so it can be filed in difficult child's chart. Write this as a progress note. Leave out any personal info about anyone else involved. Like you do in this forum, refer to other's as abbreviations. On the bottom of the form, you can include your concerns and questions.

 

[Christy]

Sorry it was such a tough night. I hope tomorow is better. Your feelings are natural and you don't sound callous. You stayed with him and helped him through his anxiety. I hope you're get a good night's sleep.

Christy

 

[LittleDudesMom]

You are not callous at all. You are dealing the best you can with a really tough situation. If you were being callous, you would be blaming difficult child rather than the disorder. I hope you find some relief or respite soon.

Sharon

 

[busywend]

I think you did a great parenting job. It is hard to feel bad for someone that is making your life more difficult. Hard not to get angry.

I guess I would ask him earlier if he needed help getting control - or maybe there is just that right moment when you can ask and you recognize it. I don't know.

I DO know that residential facilities have the time, staff and energy to do this day in and day out. It is their job. They have less emotional investment. They do not have laundry, dishes, and cleaning to get done before bed. Residential may not only look good, but it might be just what he needs someday.

HUGS!

 

[Got2Sleep]

Docotr has mentioned Residential Treatment Center (RTC), but I wasnt ready. We live really rural(we drive 6hrs 1 way for treatment), and respite is just not available. My mom helps out when she can(on vacation this week), but that itself brings new issues.
Thanks for your support!

 

[Got2Sleep]

Thanks..all great ideas! And, a new way to look at it. Detatching. Hmmm... I agree I have to start earlier in the rage to teach him to get control. Not let it get so far out of hand.
He did tell me last night as we layed in bed that his brain was jumping up and down???!!
Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement.

 

[Got2Sleep]

Thanks~

 

[Got2Sleep]

Right..I know it is NOT him! But then at times I worry I am giving the disorder too much power. Control is so hard!
Thanks!

 

[Got2Sleep]

I agree about Residential Treatment Center (RTC) having the time, and well...less connections. I mean, this is my baby! I hurt when he hurts(and when he hurts others!), I want so much for him to have a normal life. Not to mention my other kids having to put up with him and his issues. UGH!
Thanks for your thoughts!

 

[gcvmom]

Just curious, what medications is he on, if any?