I must be a horrible person, and even worse mother. Tonight, after the 3rd major rage today(hitting, screaming, shaking..that look--all lasting over 20 mins), I am numb. He just threw a major one in the front yard because he was tearing up brothers legos and I told them both they had to come in(brother because he was tattling--he is soo dramatic). Anyway, I walked out to where they were, told them to get the toys and come in...he stood up and said shut up B*&CH! and then said NOW I AM RUNNING AWAY! screaming while the neighbors sat on the porch. So I told brother lets go and inside we came...B followed with lots of slamming and throwing things..I said...to bed now! He went in his room and kicked top bunk down...I sent brother into shower and put B on my bed. The the screaming how he is so scared begins ---this is the disorder---back and forth from anger to anxiety...I know he was really scared, but...sadly I dont give a cr*p at this point. I Let him come back to his room and say DO NOT get off bed. He does the little dance..I am off, now I am on...over and over...I tell him I am calling psychiatrist...he freaks! I mean, literally shaking and scared to death...I dont want to go to the unit he is yelling...but it all spirals again soon. I kept asking if he needed help getting in control..finally he says yes, moaning and rocking. I wrapped him in blanket and held him for problem 10-15 mins....never saying a word..I swear if I talk, it begins again. Anyway...I hate that I am so callous about it...but you know...I am just exhausted. Usually I feel guilty and bad, tonight I feel like residential looks good. I dont want to give up on my son...but at this point, I am not sure how much more I can give.