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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 401686" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p style="text-align: center">HUGS!!!!</p> <p style="text-align: center">.</p> <p style="text-align: center">.</p> <p style="text-align: left">difficult child has become so dependent on you! You are so used to being there every second of the day. So used to calling ALL the shots. I think part of the reason the treatment plan is to cut some of your presences is not to take away your control of the situation as to get difficult child to take her focus off of you and put onto herself. She is used to you making everything safe and doing what is right. She is also used to thinking that she controls her world through you. She knows how to pull those emotional strings. She wants you to fight ALL her battles for her, "Mom, don't let them." "Mom, I can't do this - tell them I can't do this!" It is time for her to fight some of these battles on her own. Ask that you be an out of sight team player on these. Staff can work as a team under your guidance to determine how best to respond to her. However, don't be too hesitant to let the staff try some of their techniques.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">It is time for difficult child to take on setting up her world on her own. If she wants to be healthy, she must decide to take the steps needed, not because you or the doctors say she has to but because that is what she decides is the right thing to do. I know that you do know this and that you are working toward this. How in the world do we get out difficult children to see that they do have it in them to make the right choices AND to follow the steps that the right choice calls for?</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">Your difficult child is scared. Shutting down is her defense. She has to understand that she HAS to eat. She has to understand that her total shutdown is so dangerous. She has to understand that only SHE can reverse this and that everyone has faith that her determined strength used to remain shut down will be the strength to turn this around.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">Your anxiety comes in knowing that she is capable of making the wrong choice for her health. That leaving it up to her can be a mistake. And when/if that happens, you will feel at fault for not stopping it. Know that whatever happens, you always put forth what was in her best interest. Her not choosing to follow that path is not your fault. (Just like in everything our kids find themselves in trouble with - no one can make anyone do the right thing - we can only show the right path and provide the tools but if a kid turns their back, it is not our fault)</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">You have done EVERYTHING possible to keep her healthy and safe. She is not doing her part in this and because of her dependence on you, she will continue to put her part of this onto you. You can not fullfill her job.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">Your connection to her is very strong. It is hurting as you give her the responsibility that is her time to assume. Your worry over her future is strong. Look toward her strength in her defiance - encourage her to use that strength to get better.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">It will take time to get through this change in connection. You are not severing the ties, just changing the responsibilities thus changing the connection. It will feel like you are abandoning her but you are not and some day she will see that. You have to keep reminding her that you are there for her but that there are certain things you can not do. You will always help when/how you can but she must make that choices and follow the process - you can not eat for her - if you could, she would not be here.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">I do like the "natural" backing off of "Mom is in a meeting" or such so that it is not a battle ground to focus on. Mom will be back later, until she returns, you have work to do.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">Have another talk with the treatment team. Listen to what they have to say. Ask if there are parents (past or present) in similar situations of children so defiant of this treatment that you can talk with. Share again your concerns and how you see the best treatment process would be. Ask the Ronald McDonald staff and the hospital staff for information on parent support groups in the area. You may not find someone in your situation, but you may find other parents searching and fighting for answers.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p> <p style="text-align: left">This has taken a long time to get to this point, it will take a very long time to return to where she should be.</p> <p style="text-align: left"></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 401686, member: 5096"] [CENTER]HUGS!!!! . .[/CENTER] [LEFT]difficult child has become so dependent on you! You are so used to being there every second of the day. So used to calling ALL the shots. I think part of the reason the treatment plan is to cut some of your presences is not to take away your control of the situation as to get difficult child to take her focus off of you and put onto herself. She is used to you making everything safe and doing what is right. She is also used to thinking that she controls her world through you. She knows how to pull those emotional strings. She wants you to fight ALL her battles for her, "Mom, don't let them." "Mom, I can't do this - tell them I can't do this!" It is time for her to fight some of these battles on her own. Ask that you be an out of sight team player on these. Staff can work as a team under your guidance to determine how best to respond to her. However, don't be too hesitant to let the staff try some of their techniques. It is time for difficult child to take on setting up her world on her own. If she wants to be healthy, she must decide to take the steps needed, not because you or the doctors say she has to but because that is what she decides is the right thing to do. I know that you do know this and that you are working toward this. How in the world do we get out difficult children to see that they do have it in them to make the right choices AND to follow the steps that the right choice calls for? Your difficult child is scared. Shutting down is her defense. She has to understand that she HAS to eat. She has to understand that her total shutdown is so dangerous. She has to understand that only SHE can reverse this and that everyone has faith that her determined strength used to remain shut down will be the strength to turn this around. Your anxiety comes in knowing that she is capable of making the wrong choice for her health. That leaving it up to her can be a mistake. And when/if that happens, you will feel at fault for not stopping it. Know that whatever happens, you always put forth what was in her best interest. Her not choosing to follow that path is not your fault. (Just like in everything our kids find themselves in trouble with - no one can make anyone do the right thing - we can only show the right path and provide the tools but if a kid turns their back, it is not our fault) You have done EVERYTHING possible to keep her healthy and safe. She is not doing her part in this and because of her dependence on you, she will continue to put her part of this onto you. You can not fullfill her job. Your connection to her is very strong. It is hurting as you give her the responsibility that is her time to assume. Your worry over her future is strong. Look toward her strength in her defiance - encourage her to use that strength to get better. It will take time to get through this change in connection. You are not severing the ties, just changing the responsibilities thus changing the connection. It will feel like you are abandoning her but you are not and some day she will see that. You have to keep reminding her that you are there for her but that there are certain things you can not do. You will always help when/how you can but she must make that choices and follow the process - you can not eat for her - if you could, she would not be here. I do like the "natural" backing off of "Mom is in a meeting" or such so that it is not a battle ground to focus on. Mom will be back later, until she returns, you have work to do. Have another talk with the treatment team. Listen to what they have to say. Ask if there are parents (past or present) in similar situations of children so defiant of this treatment that you can talk with. Share again your concerns and how you see the best treatment process would be. Ask the Ronald McDonald staff and the hospital staff for information on parent support groups in the area. You may not find someone in your situation, but you may find other parents searching and fighting for answers. This has taken a long time to get to this point, it will take a very long time to return to where she should be. [/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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