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<blockquote data-quote="TheWalrus" data-source="post: 689222" data-attributes="member: 19905"><p>This is my two cents from my slightly different personal perspective. I have a step-child whom I have NOTHING to do with. This child's mother began the alienation process from my husband from day one, while they were still married. Once divorced, the alienation took center stage, as his ex used their child as a pawn and wanted total control. After we were married, it really, really got ugly. Although we had some wonderful times with this child when younger, as the teenage years came, that never happened. Step child literally walked out of our home without a backward glance and spoke to no one in my husband's family for two years. I have not spoken to this person in at least 6 years (yes, grown with own family now) and child does nothing but bring my husband heartache - sucking him back in and then brushing him off for absolutely no reason. Now there is a grandchild and his own child is alienating said grandchild from him. It is sickening and sad, and I get so angry even thinking about it. My husband is an AMAZING dad and has tried time and time and time again, only to be shoved aside every time. His love for this child will not let him stop trying. I understand that, but it makes me resent this now adult with my entire being for pain caused to my husband and our family. Like you, SWOT, I digress.</p><p></p><p>I have no intention of leaving this child anything in the will. Nothing. And no, I have no intention of informing this child of that. As you said, relationships are for the living and that choice has been made many years ago. I feel no obligation nor need to inform this person of any decisions we make or anything about our lives. </p><p></p><p>On the flip side, I had many personal things that belonged to this person from childhood. Scrapbooks I had made, mementos from vacations and hobbies, etc. Quite a few, actually. In the beginning, I toyed with the idea of destroying it all. I didn't bc I knew that would only be done out of anger and betrayal, and I am not a spiteful or vindictive person. I didn't want this child to turn me into one. So I boxed it all up and put it away. When grown and married, my husband gave this child all these things. I don't care whether they were kept or not. They were not mine to begin with. However, this child knows there were happy times (regardless of how it is re-invented to others and distorted by Mother Dear) and there is the proof. Do with it as wished. Doing that was cathartic and I feel no reason to give this child anything else. I gave totally of myself and it was not wanted.</p><p></p><p>So in my opinion, I would not inform him of anything. It sounds like (and please don't take this wrong) he might not even come to a funeral or service anyway, and if so, it would be for the will only. Your obligation to let him be aware of anything ended a long time ago. You tried and tried; it was unwanted and ignored. Once you are gone, it is too late for him to "try" so anything else would be purely selfish (again, please don't take offense). However, like others have said, I would leave something as a token. I would do it for myself, not him. Something that says you were loved, you were wanted, and even if you don't remember that, I do. Not anything that would devastate you if it wasn't kept, but something he could choose to keep to remember better times if he chose. Me? I am a picture and memento person - so nothing of value except sentimental (which are most valuable to me anyway).</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TheWalrus, post: 689222, member: 19905"] This is my two cents from my slightly different personal perspective. I have a step-child whom I have NOTHING to do with. This child's mother began the alienation process from my husband from day one, while they were still married. Once divorced, the alienation took center stage, as his ex used their child as a pawn and wanted total control. After we were married, it really, really got ugly. Although we had some wonderful times with this child when younger, as the teenage years came, that never happened. Step child literally walked out of our home without a backward glance and spoke to no one in my husband's family for two years. I have not spoken to this person in at least 6 years (yes, grown with own family now) and child does nothing but bring my husband heartache - sucking him back in and then brushing him off for absolutely no reason. Now there is a grandchild and his own child is alienating said grandchild from him. It is sickening and sad, and I get so angry even thinking about it. My husband is an AMAZING dad and has tried time and time and time again, only to be shoved aside every time. His love for this child will not let him stop trying. I understand that, but it makes me resent this now adult with my entire being for pain caused to my husband and our family. Like you, SWOT, I digress. I have no intention of leaving this child anything in the will. Nothing. And no, I have no intention of informing this child of that. As you said, relationships are for the living and that choice has been made many years ago. I feel no obligation nor need to inform this person of any decisions we make or anything about our lives. On the flip side, I had many personal things that belonged to this person from childhood. Scrapbooks I had made, mementos from vacations and hobbies, etc. Quite a few, actually. In the beginning, I toyed with the idea of destroying it all. I didn't bc I knew that would only be done out of anger and betrayal, and I am not a spiteful or vindictive person. I didn't want this child to turn me into one. So I boxed it all up and put it away. When grown and married, my husband gave this child all these things. I don't care whether they were kept or not. They were not mine to begin with. However, this child knows there were happy times (regardless of how it is re-invented to others and distorted by Mother Dear) and there is the proof. Do with it as wished. Doing that was cathartic and I feel no reason to give this child anything else. I gave totally of myself and it was not wanted. So in my opinion, I would not inform him of anything. It sounds like (and please don't take this wrong) he might not even come to a funeral or service anyway, and if so, it would be for the will only. Your obligation to let him be aware of anything ended a long time ago. You tried and tried; it was unwanted and ignored. Once you are gone, it is too late for him to "try" so anything else would be purely selfish (again, please don't take offense). However, like others have said, I would leave something as a token. I would do it for myself, not him. Something that says you were loved, you were wanted, and even if you don't remember that, I do. Not anything that would devastate you if it wasn't kept, but something he could choose to keep to remember better times if he chose. Me? I am a picture and memento person - so nothing of value except sentimental (which are most valuable to me anyway). [/QUOTE]
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