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Have group homes been helpful for any of you?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 394800" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Elhena, </p><p> </p><p>Hi. Your life sounds not so dissimilar to ours - a little moving around of the players. My ex is the manipulative drug addict, and my fiance is now the step-dad who went to the ends of the earth for my son, now age 20. Since my son was age 5, he's been in and out of state psychiatriac hopsitals, privitate psychiatric. hospitals, group homes, foster care, residential treatment facilities - and while each may have had it's merit (although looking back I see very little) - the thing that helped us most? In all honesty was family counseling. Why? </p><p> </p><p>Well, no matter WHAT any group home, residential placement or foster care (sorry for those here because you are the exception) said to us? It all boiled down to money and that allmighty check. We had a caseworker - the caseworker had a boss, that boss had a boss, and when it was all said and done? They had statistics and certain figures had to be met to keep getting grants from the government. The foster parents and the last group home we had were the worst. OMW you can't imagine the H we went through. My son was incarcerated twice under 'their watchful eye' and nothing could be done about it. One group home didn't have a toilet - and the boys were not going to school, didn't have food. But by the time you get to our level of lying? You don't believe these kids - so we left it go under "UH HUH- tough love" then drove there unannounced -which was FORBIDDEN....and found out - it wasn't a lie. Didn't matter - we took pictures, had the place shut down, and they were open a week later under a new name. The boys even told us that went there a month later they believed the man that ran the place had a 'honey' that was a crack ***** he kept in a camper back on the property - and all of a sudden the mans wife died from an accidental overdose of diabetic medicine. UNREAL - he was also busted in a scam to steal city manhole covers - but got out of it. Outrageous as it sounds - from there they sent myson to live with a foster family that was stealing cars. I mean this just goes on and on. When we suspected the car theft was going on - GUESS who became incorrigible? So incorrigible that he had less than 3 days to get out? Or be homeless. Yup - </p><p> </p><p>So my thought is this - and hearing about your son and his Mother's behavior and his ability to run? He needs LOCKED UP. he needs in a place where he CAN NOT get out - on his own volition. Group home is NOT going to do that. At 13 he will be able to come and go as he pleases - and if they tell you different? BULL. They will probably have staff there during the day and one person at night. If you dont' think a house full of boys like ours can't run a scam on a night staff person? Yeah. And it may be that there will be two - and the windows will be shut - or whatever. Then you'll have to find out- If he DOES run? Then what? Is he going to be ARRESTED and CHARGED ? If so - does he got to Department of Juvenile Justice? If he goes to Department of Juvenile Justice WHAT HELP DOES HE GET THEN? </p><p> </p><p>See these are questions that they DO NOT want you to ask NOW - Because - if you do - then you may not put your son there - and THEY don't get money - but they'll act like they have 1000 kids WAITING for that bed. Couldn't care less if your son gets it or Joe next guy gets it. And if you don't take it - where does he go? Home? OH H noooo. I mean they know how to play this game - you don't. You don't have money - you don't know what your options are. FIND OUT. Come here - ask...find out what's available in your state - in the next state =======what does the state pay for if you make him a ward of the state. Does he have Medicaid? Does he qualify for a Katie Beckett Waiver? Is there a program in your state to ASSIST with funding for the most severe cases like his? Here in SC there is a Governors Continuum - there are parent organizations - there is The Disability and Disabled Special Needs Board. DDSN - For Disabled people - There are a lot of organizations that you can call to ask for help - parent organizations that are there for you some with atty help. But none - if you don't know they are there - and none if you don't call for help. </p><p> </p><p>My thought from what you have told me - and your son's anger level and manipulation from his mother? I think he would do very well in a locked psychiatric facility. One where he would go to school every day, have one on one daily with a counselor that he would get to know very well for a long time. See a psychiatist at least once a week where he would build a relationship and be able to talk about his past and his dysfunctional relationship with his Mom, and begin changing the maping in his brain. 13 is late to start - but not TOO late. He also needs to know things like - anger management and that it's okay to be angry - but here's how to express it. WHY he's angry. He didn't just get this way over night. He probably has organic issues like MWM said, I agree whole heartedly that is something that an MRI, or PET scan may reveal - and should be looked into with a Neurologist. It could help your doctors know which way to go - But he really needs one on one therapy. </p><p> </p><p>IN THE MEAN TIME? YOu and husband need to be in family therapy - because........THIS HAS, IS and WILL take it's toll. It already has, it IS currently and it WILL continue to take it's toll - and you need a professional person to sit with, talk to, bounce ideas, and the daily grind of having a child like this in your life - and when you are NOT used to having a manipulative soul like him in your world? HOW do you ever compete or relate or rise above it? YOU TALK to a professional that gives you help, guidelines and the one-up to level the playing field and the ability to stay one step ahead, then two - and eventually the where withall to see things coming down the pike with these kids - and by the time he's 21 - if you start NOW with him at 13? You and husband will be able to withstand him and his BS - and not fall apart as a couple. You will be united. Without help? This kid will put a strain on your marriage that few survive. He knows it - and he's counting on it and he has NOTHING but time to achieve it. Despite how much he's telling you you're the best step mom and makes you breakfast - he wants Mom and Dad together - count on it. No matter what he's saying. been there done that and until he gets some maturity and counseling and understanding under his brain - and in his head ? You have a very dangerous person in your family that is going to do, and use every trick in his (and probably his Moms) bag to make you think he's your best buddy - and then turn on you both like a rattlesnake. </p><p> </p><p>So by now you're thinking - does this ever stop? Well.....it gets manageable. I won't say stop - because our son is 20 and I think he still is who he is - but a lot of the things he did that your son is doing at 13? He isn't doing any more. I still say that most of our sons are about 3 years behind in age emotionally. At 20? I think my son is around 17. At 13 - yours is behaving around 10. The attitude, the thought processes.....probably more like 10 year olds than 13. Maybe even gets along better with younger kids than older - but LIKES older kids. That's how it was for us anyway. Hung out with kids way younger but when the older kids would see him with them - didn't want anything to do with them - just weird. </p><p> </p><p>Now at 20 he's hanging with guys his own age...but he's also been through about 15 years of counseling - so we hope /pray something sunk in. And he'll tell you or anyone else too - the place that scared him straight - that locked psychiatric. hospital. He said out of all the places he went? THAT place - told him we meant business. And it wasn't business - we just wanted him well - But there? No way out, no planning an escape - monitored 24/7 - on camera - he said it was so much like jail - we ended up pulling him out AMA due to a staff issue - and it wasn't a great fantastic place - but that was the place also that I realized that no matter where I put him - there really was no honeymoon when he came home he was who he was too. I stopped expecting places to fix him. Pills didn't work - places didn't work - Therapy with family and detachment, effective communication - how we learned to talk to each other and listen - that worked. That and time......and distance and tough love. </p><p> </p><p>I hope something in this long poorly spelled Mother's heart speaks to you - because I'm not hopeless for your son - or his situation. I'm not jaded by the system either. Some places are wonderful and they do work - bottom line is - YOUR SON - has to WANT to change, and no matter how fantastic this place is? If he's not wanting to change, if he's not SICK to death of himself and his behavior - no place is going to work. </p><p> </p><p>Sad to say - but true. So use this time wisely - and change yourself, your husband and your attitudes to what you will tolerate and get strong. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 394800, member: 4964"] Elhena, Hi. Your life sounds not so dissimilar to ours - a little moving around of the players. My ex is the manipulative drug addict, and my fiance is now the step-dad who went to the ends of the earth for my son, now age 20. Since my son was age 5, he's been in and out of state psychiatriac hopsitals, privitate psychiatric. hospitals, group homes, foster care, residential treatment facilities - and while each may have had it's merit (although looking back I see very little) - the thing that helped us most? In all honesty was family counseling. Why? Well, no matter WHAT any group home, residential placement or foster care (sorry for those here because you are the exception) said to us? It all boiled down to money and that allmighty check. We had a caseworker - the caseworker had a boss, that boss had a boss, and when it was all said and done? They had statistics and certain figures had to be met to keep getting grants from the government. The foster parents and the last group home we had were the worst. OMW you can't imagine the H we went through. My son was incarcerated twice under 'their watchful eye' and nothing could be done about it. One group home didn't have a toilet - and the boys were not going to school, didn't have food. But by the time you get to our level of lying? You don't believe these kids - so we left it go under "UH HUH- tough love" then drove there unannounced -which was FORBIDDEN....and found out - it wasn't a lie. Didn't matter - we took pictures, had the place shut down, and they were open a week later under a new name. The boys even told us that went there a month later they believed the man that ran the place had a 'honey' that was a crack ***** he kept in a camper back on the property - and all of a sudden the mans wife died from an accidental overdose of diabetic medicine. UNREAL - he was also busted in a scam to steal city manhole covers - but got out of it. Outrageous as it sounds - from there they sent myson to live with a foster family that was stealing cars. I mean this just goes on and on. When we suspected the car theft was going on - GUESS who became incorrigible? So incorrigible that he had less than 3 days to get out? Or be homeless. Yup - So my thought is this - and hearing about your son and his Mother's behavior and his ability to run? He needs LOCKED UP. he needs in a place where he CAN NOT get out - on his own volition. Group home is NOT going to do that. At 13 he will be able to come and go as he pleases - and if they tell you different? BULL. They will probably have staff there during the day and one person at night. If you dont' think a house full of boys like ours can't run a scam on a night staff person? Yeah. And it may be that there will be two - and the windows will be shut - or whatever. Then you'll have to find out- If he DOES run? Then what? Is he going to be ARRESTED and CHARGED ? If so - does he got to Department of Juvenile Justice? If he goes to Department of Juvenile Justice WHAT HELP DOES HE GET THEN? See these are questions that they DO NOT want you to ask NOW - Because - if you do - then you may not put your son there - and THEY don't get money - but they'll act like they have 1000 kids WAITING for that bed. Couldn't care less if your son gets it or Joe next guy gets it. And if you don't take it - where does he go? Home? OH H noooo. I mean they know how to play this game - you don't. You don't have money - you don't know what your options are. FIND OUT. Come here - ask...find out what's available in your state - in the next state =======what does the state pay for if you make him a ward of the state. Does he have Medicaid? Does he qualify for a Katie Beckett Waiver? Is there a program in your state to ASSIST with funding for the most severe cases like his? Here in SC there is a Governors Continuum - there are parent organizations - there is The Disability and Disabled Special Needs Board. DDSN - For Disabled people - There are a lot of organizations that you can call to ask for help - parent organizations that are there for you some with atty help. But none - if you don't know they are there - and none if you don't call for help. My thought from what you have told me - and your son's anger level and manipulation from his mother? I think he would do very well in a locked psychiatric facility. One where he would go to school every day, have one on one daily with a counselor that he would get to know very well for a long time. See a psychiatist at least once a week where he would build a relationship and be able to talk about his past and his dysfunctional relationship with his Mom, and begin changing the maping in his brain. 13 is late to start - but not TOO late. He also needs to know things like - anger management and that it's okay to be angry - but here's how to express it. WHY he's angry. He didn't just get this way over night. He probably has organic issues like MWM said, I agree whole heartedly that is something that an MRI, or PET scan may reveal - and should be looked into with a Neurologist. It could help your doctors know which way to go - But he really needs one on one therapy. IN THE MEAN TIME? YOu and husband need to be in family therapy - because........THIS HAS, IS and WILL take it's toll. It already has, it IS currently and it WILL continue to take it's toll - and you need a professional person to sit with, talk to, bounce ideas, and the daily grind of having a child like this in your life - and when you are NOT used to having a manipulative soul like him in your world? HOW do you ever compete or relate or rise above it? YOU TALK to a professional that gives you help, guidelines and the one-up to level the playing field and the ability to stay one step ahead, then two - and eventually the where withall to see things coming down the pike with these kids - and by the time he's 21 - if you start NOW with him at 13? You and husband will be able to withstand him and his BS - and not fall apart as a couple. You will be united. Without help? This kid will put a strain on your marriage that few survive. He knows it - and he's counting on it and he has NOTHING but time to achieve it. Despite how much he's telling you you're the best step mom and makes you breakfast - he wants Mom and Dad together - count on it. No matter what he's saying. been there done that and until he gets some maturity and counseling and understanding under his brain - and in his head ? You have a very dangerous person in your family that is going to do, and use every trick in his (and probably his Moms) bag to make you think he's your best buddy - and then turn on you both like a rattlesnake. So by now you're thinking - does this ever stop? Well.....it gets manageable. I won't say stop - because our son is 20 and I think he still is who he is - but a lot of the things he did that your son is doing at 13? He isn't doing any more. I still say that most of our sons are about 3 years behind in age emotionally. At 20? I think my son is around 17. At 13 - yours is behaving around 10. The attitude, the thought processes.....probably more like 10 year olds than 13. Maybe even gets along better with younger kids than older - but LIKES older kids. That's how it was for us anyway. Hung out with kids way younger but when the older kids would see him with them - didn't want anything to do with them - just weird. Now at 20 he's hanging with guys his own age...but he's also been through about 15 years of counseling - so we hope /pray something sunk in. And he'll tell you or anyone else too - the place that scared him straight - that locked psychiatric. hospital. He said out of all the places he went? THAT place - told him we meant business. And it wasn't business - we just wanted him well - But there? No way out, no planning an escape - monitored 24/7 - on camera - he said it was so much like jail - we ended up pulling him out AMA due to a staff issue - and it wasn't a great fantastic place - but that was the place also that I realized that no matter where I put him - there really was no honeymoon when he came home he was who he was too. I stopped expecting places to fix him. Pills didn't work - places didn't work - Therapy with family and detachment, effective communication - how we learned to talk to each other and listen - that worked. That and time......and distance and tough love. I hope something in this long poorly spelled Mother's heart speaks to you - because I'm not hopeless for your son - or his situation. I'm not jaded by the system either. Some places are wonderful and they do work - bottom line is - YOUR SON - has to WANT to change, and no matter how fantastic this place is? If he's not wanting to change, if he's not SICK to death of himself and his behavior - no place is going to work. Sad to say - but true. So use this time wisely - and change yourself, your husband and your attitudes to what you will tolerate and get strong. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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