I am glad that I stumbled upon this site. I have been searching the web for knowledge, understanding, solutions and solace in our situation. It gets to the point where friends and family are weary of listening to the stories that unfold dealing with destructive parent/adult child relationships. When adult children are successful in their lives, it is a tremendous blessing. When adult children are having a difficult time realizing their potential and accepting their responsibilities, it is heart-wrenching: even more so when there are grandchildren involved. For many years now, my husband and I have been trying the best we can with what little means we have to be of help to all of our adult children. It has become painfully evident that for some, the help is not appreciated, but rather an expectation of entitlement. This has become a detriment to our health and lives, as well as to our son in high school. Our concern has been for our grandchildren, for the chaos they have been subjected to, while their parents have focused on their drama infused on and off again relationship, and partying. Each of the many times we have gotten involved for the past 11 years, it has been with the hope and vision of a better future for our grandchildren, and that our daughter would truly act upon her intention of leaving her abusive boyfriend. These homecomings start out with a show of responsibility, then degrade into eventually reconnecting with her boyfriend. We have dealt with the issues of TRO's, CPS, rehabs, counseling sessions, etc. We have had holes punched in our walls, destruction of property, house broken into and been stolen from. We have exhausted our savings, had temporary custody, no help from CPS, the list goes on and on, only to have our grandchildren end up back with their parents, enduring the same vicious cycle. Our grandchildren are of course adversely affected by the ongoing disruption of their lives. They are angry, they are destructive, they have learned that love means constant drama, yelling, fighting, followed by half hearted apologies, until it escalates all over again. It is frenetic, and highly stressful. They repeat this cycle (they seem to yearn for it) in their relationships with others. While they are with us, we have tried to create a bit of peace, to teach them manners and to treat people the way they would like to be treated. To include all that has gone on these years would be a novel, so I will try to be brief. The latest episode of homecoming unfortunately, albeit predictably, started and ended on much the same note. My daughter filed and was granted a TRO against her boyfriend for herself and her children and moved back home. She began to contact him shortly thereafter (unbeknownst to me). Eventually he snuck over (invited by my daughter) and they ended up arguing in the early hours one morning. I awoke to my riled up grandchildren running and playing about the house. My daughter ended up walking off and her boyfriend went looking for her. I tried to calm the children down and ready them for school as I readied for work. The phone rang and their father wanted to take them to school. I told him that they were shaken up and that I would take them. He was insistent, as was I. I did not want them to go with him. After hanging up, I called the police. Moments later, both my daughter and her boyfriend showed up. I locked the screen doors and told him I called 911- he took off. My daughter proceeded to go into a tirade, swearing, shouting hurtful things, blaming me for her troubles. The words my crying grandchildren heard as she ranted included "You are nothing but a F*#&ing B!*&%! She circled around the house screaming this at the top of her lungs repeatedly. She yelled for the children to come out of the house, that I had no right to keep them there. They eventually went out to her, the oldest was the last, reluctant and teary eyed- whispered to me "I don't want to go, but I have to look out for my brother and sister." Heartbreaking. The Police finally came and intercepted them walking down the road. After speaking with my daughter, they allowed her to continue on with the children, after all, she is their mother. I explained what had happened to the Officer and he was very kind. He told me that this sort of thing was 90% of their calls. He said there was not much I could do, but call agencies and ask for help. Shaken, I went back into my house to find my teenaged son curled up on my bed crying. He has had more than he can take. I have kept that vision in my mind. It has driven me to make some very difficult decisions and come to the hard, cold reality that I cannot continue to sacrifice his last few years and the peace in our household for the craziness that has been ongoing. That afternoon, after all of the frenzy of the morning, my grandchildren's father called and nonchalantly said "I've picked up the kids from school" long pause. I heard myself say "And where is their mother?" To which he replied "In the car." I thought for a second and said "That is good you picked them up, they are YOUR children, you and their mother need to figure things out and take care of your responsibility. I LOVE my grandchildren, but as far as having them live here, we are done." Have we been helping, or have we been enabling? Each time we have opened up our home, we have taken on a responsibility that belongs to their parents. There is a vast difference between asking for and receiving help, appreciating it, being a contributor, and using and abusing kindness. Each time they have come back home, our daughter has taken advantage of the situation, left them in our care, and gone out partying with her friends. Our grandchildren have been dangled before us, and we have "bit the bait" every time. We have helped too much. We have stunted their parents opportunity for growth and change. My youngest daughter, upon learning of the latest crisis, said " But Mom, it's not fair to the kids, why should they continue to suffer the bad choices of their parents? You and Dad HAVE to take care of them!" No, we do not have to take care of them. They have parents. Yes, their parents have NOT shown responsibility for their children. They have been reckless, thoughtless and abusive. Yes, this is a difficult position to take, some may say it is selfish, but I say it is self-preservation. If I continue this cycle, and keep on this path, I am not only sacrificing my own son, but my and my husbands health and the peace in our home. It is HARD, I am heartbroken. I pray everyday that God watches over my grandchildren and enters the hearts and minds of their parents, to see the blessing they have been gifted with. I am hoping that this time, they will turn over a new leaf, accept their responsibilities as parents, and make good choices. In the event that this does not happen I am strengthening my resolve to reply to the "Mom can me and the kids come home?" with this answer. "You need to go to a Domestic Violence Shelter." There, my daughter and her children will get the help and counseling they need. There, she will have to follow rules. There, she and her children have more of a chance to move on. I am trying everyday to learn from this experience, to push past the hurt, to put my sons well being and future in the forefront. This is all really too much for me to bare, so I give it over to God, and rely on Him for help. I will continue to pray for healing, peace, love and a bright future for all of us, especially my grandchildren. I pray that we all can turn over a new leaf.