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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 666854" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>My heart goes out to you. I know this is a very hard thing to endure. Right now I think you need to evaluate your priorities and YOUR responsibilities.</p><p></p><p>You are a parent to adult children and to a minor child. You are also a grandparent. You are most of all a person. Each of these roles has responsibilities.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, your role as a parent to a minor child has the most important responsibilities. HIS needs must be a priority, esp above your responsibilities to your adult children and your grandchildren. In no way should your minor child be sacrificed to the drama CHOSEN by your adult children. He should also not have his needs be sacrificed to the needs of your grandkids. They are younger than he is, but they have parents. YOU are not their mother, your husband is not their father. It is up to their parent to provide for their needs, just as you provided for their mother's needs when she was a child. </p><p></p><p>Your son curled up in a fetal position after the latest round of chaos is a clear message to you. HIS needs are not being met when you permit your daughter to create this drama in your home. HE needs a peaceful home where he can learn and grow into the kind of man you want him to be. You do NOT want him to live the way your daughter does, nor do you want him to be the kind of man your daughter chooses. I would urge him to see a therapist to help him cope with all the trauma his sister creates, and with his feelings toward you and his father for allowing the trauma to exist in your home. If he isn't willing to go after a few sessions that is okay, but let him know the option is there for him.</p><p></p><p>I am NOT saying you are a bad parent. I am saying it is a bad situation and creates feelings in everyone, feelings that are really hard to cope with. </p><p></p><p>I would find the phone number for the local DV hotline and post it near the phone and where you sit to talk to people. I would also post a list of short phrases that you can use to reply to your daughter when she calls wanting to come to your home. phrases like, "I am sure that is difficult to handle. You need to see what the DV shelter can do to help you with that." There is a list of phrases in the archives that can help - another parent here can direct you to them. They can help yoou NOT get pulled into the latest crisis that your daughter creates. </p><p></p><p>Allowing your daughter and her kids to move to your home is something you have clearly done many times. By now you can see that it doesn't help anything or anyone, and just spreads her drama around to traumatize more people - you, your husband, your minor child and your neighbors. It does not change one single thing in a positive way. It is time to try something new. If nothing else, it will limit the number of people her drama inflicts pain on. </p><p></p><p>She will be very angry, but after screaming curses at you for the entire neighborhood to hear, who cares? If she insists on coming over and doing that after you tell her she cannot come back to your home, you may consider getting a TRO for HER. She needs some clear signs that her behavior will NOT get any more support from you. if she goes to the DV shelter, does what they recommend, and changes her lifestyle, maybe you could consider helping her at that point. Until she does this, and becomes a responsible person & parent, it is time to stop helping her. Let her live with the logical consequences of her actions. If CPS is involved, let them know you will take the children but not the parent, and only if it is for a long term (if you are willing and able to do that) and not for a few weeks to just send them home again. The back & forth is too harmful to them and gives their parents no reason to change - it just gives them a few weeks of 'vacation' from parenting to go and party. That is pointless and NOT the reason you should take the grandkids. </p><p></p><p>Yes, this will be hard. Yes, it will be hard on the grandkids. Hopefully you can still see them and let them know that you love them but cannot continue with the drama. If they want to testify to any abuse you will support them 100%. Other than that, they have to live with their parents and parents shouldn't live with grandparents - it doesn't work out well or change anything in a good way. The problems that the grandkids have should be handled by their parents, not you. If outright abuse is happening, CPS needs to get involved because if you try to fix it, the entire thing will just blow up in your face. </p><p></p><p>I am so sorry you have to live with this. Others may not understand, but they don't live with what you do. We understand here, and are here when you need us. Please know that we may offer ideas and advice, but you are NOT required to take any of it. We won't be offended if you don't take our advice because we know that not everyone is ready at the same time, or ever, to follow any piece of advice. </p><p></p><p>(((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 666854, member: 1233"] My heart goes out to you. I know this is a very hard thing to endure. Right now I think you need to evaluate your priorities and YOUR responsibilities. You are a parent to adult children and to a minor child. You are also a grandparent. You are most of all a person. Each of these roles has responsibilities. In my opinion, your role as a parent to a minor child has the most important responsibilities. HIS needs must be a priority, esp above your responsibilities to your adult children and your grandchildren. In no way should your minor child be sacrificed to the drama CHOSEN by your adult children. He should also not have his needs be sacrificed to the needs of your grandkids. They are younger than he is, but they have parents. YOU are not their mother, your husband is not their father. It is up to their parent to provide for their needs, just as you provided for their mother's needs when she was a child. Your son curled up in a fetal position after the latest round of chaos is a clear message to you. HIS needs are not being met when you permit your daughter to create this drama in your home. HE needs a peaceful home where he can learn and grow into the kind of man you want him to be. You do NOT want him to live the way your daughter does, nor do you want him to be the kind of man your daughter chooses. I would urge him to see a therapist to help him cope with all the trauma his sister creates, and with his feelings toward you and his father for allowing the trauma to exist in your home. If he isn't willing to go after a few sessions that is okay, but let him know the option is there for him. I am NOT saying you are a bad parent. I am saying it is a bad situation and creates feelings in everyone, feelings that are really hard to cope with. I would find the phone number for the local DV hotline and post it near the phone and where you sit to talk to people. I would also post a list of short phrases that you can use to reply to your daughter when she calls wanting to come to your home. phrases like, "I am sure that is difficult to handle. You need to see what the DV shelter can do to help you with that." There is a list of phrases in the archives that can help - another parent here can direct you to them. They can help yoou NOT get pulled into the latest crisis that your daughter creates. Allowing your daughter and her kids to move to your home is something you have clearly done many times. By now you can see that it doesn't help anything or anyone, and just spreads her drama around to traumatize more people - you, your husband, your minor child and your neighbors. It does not change one single thing in a positive way. It is time to try something new. If nothing else, it will limit the number of people her drama inflicts pain on. She will be very angry, but after screaming curses at you for the entire neighborhood to hear, who cares? If she insists on coming over and doing that after you tell her she cannot come back to your home, you may consider getting a TRO for HER. She needs some clear signs that her behavior will NOT get any more support from you. if she goes to the DV shelter, does what they recommend, and changes her lifestyle, maybe you could consider helping her at that point. Until she does this, and becomes a responsible person & parent, it is time to stop helping her. Let her live with the logical consequences of her actions. If CPS is involved, let them know you will take the children but not the parent, and only if it is for a long term (if you are willing and able to do that) and not for a few weeks to just send them home again. The back & forth is too harmful to them and gives their parents no reason to change - it just gives them a few weeks of 'vacation' from parenting to go and party. That is pointless and NOT the reason you should take the grandkids. Yes, this will be hard. Yes, it will be hard on the grandkids. Hopefully you can still see them and let them know that you love them but cannot continue with the drama. If they want to testify to any abuse you will support them 100%. Other than that, they have to live with their parents and parents shouldn't live with grandparents - it doesn't work out well or change anything in a good way. The problems that the grandkids have should be handled by their parents, not you. If outright abuse is happening, CPS needs to get involved because if you try to fix it, the entire thing will just blow up in your face. I am so sorry you have to live with this. Others may not understand, but they don't live with what you do. We understand here, and are here when you need us. Please know that we may offer ideas and advice, but you are NOT required to take any of it. We won't be offended if you don't take our advice because we know that not everyone is ready at the same time, or ever, to follow any piece of advice. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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