When I met my S/O, he was on seasonal layoff and visiting his sister here (a friend of mine) but technically lived about 6 hours away. he had a great position but he was tired of the level of physical labor and toll it was taking on his body. Then we met, and he decided to stay living here (yay me!). There is no work here in the field he was in, so he needed to change careers. So he moved here, and returned to college to take a machinist course. He graduated with honors, was released early to start a job he was head hunted for with a mining company. He finished his 3 year apprenticeship and became fully licensed. Only to be hit with the massive layoffs in the mining industry this past February due to the economy. It was a permanent lay off. I can't imagine for a man in his late 30's having to start over AGAIN for a third time. After ALOT of talking, we concentrated on finding something that interested him, challenged him, and would offer some actual security. He cannot go through all of this AGAIN after this one last time. So he applied to the Air Force. He is now back in school for 2 years studying aviation. It is exciting for him. I actually wish he'd followed this dream back when he was much younger. He wanted this for himself all along but got caught up in life and didn't pursue it. So it's his dream career and in spite of the fall backs in all his previous positions, he's finally going the way he wanted to all along. Please don't get me wrong. I totally support this second return to school in 5 years. I'm very happy his dreams are coming true. And I am proud as all get out. He's a driven man who works hard (even when he loathes his job) and a great role model for my kids, especially difficult child. Yet, I'm feeling jealous. When we went through him going back to school first time, it was with the understanding that once he graduated and was working again, I would return to University and pursue the degree I never got. It didn't happen. Not his fault, it was finances, getting my MS diagnosis after a years long period of debilitation, etc. But I'm feeling better, and learning how to cope when I'm not feeling well. I was to return to school this fall. Then his lay off. Plans change. Life happens. But again?? I've been putting off what I need for my dreams forever it seems (far before he came into my life). Something just always happens. With him in school for the next 2 years, no way can we afford for me to return to University. When he graduates, we will be posted to a military base about 5 hours south of here for him to do further military training, weapons systems stuff, etc. that will be only for just under a year. Then we'll get a 4 year posting wherever they want to send us. So we are looking at 3-4 years before we settled somewhere. This puts any chance of me attending school a minimum of 4 years away. But when we post in 2 years for initial posting, difficult child will be remaining here to begin University. No way can we pay for difficult child to attend for 4 years, as well as me. So tack on another 4 years til he graduates. 7-8 years away. By that point, easy child will be a year away from University. Paying for her for 4 years. I'll be what, 45-50? Before I can pay for my schooling??? Umm, I highly doubt it being worthwhile. I can't even work enough years after that to get a proper pension from a job. So my dreams go poof. On top of that, I'm spoiled. I have had S/O to myself for 5 years. First time he went to school, he breezed through it. His job was 8:30-4:30 Mon-Fri. We had all that time together. His job wasn't a take it home with him kind of job. We have become so used to spending that time together. This aviation program is brutal. He is constantly needing to study in order to pass. Let alone his need to excel. Already his program since September has lost 12 students who couldn't keep up. More are due to go following a exam this morning. He needs to put that time in to his studies. I respect him for it and want his dreams to come true. Truly. But i guess I'm jealous. And a bit angry and bitter that I have to remain on the sidelines while I support his dreams, difficult child's dreams, easy child's dreams. Meanwhile, I can't do the type of jobs I could get right now. Not physically. I really needed to study at school and get into something that I could do even if I wind up in a wheelchair. I feel kind of hopeless. I don't have to work. But I NEED to work. I feel so wasted. I feel stagnant and unfulfilled. I feel unchallenged and sad and like I've got to give up dreaming at all. Last night I had a horrible dream. It was actually stupid, but the focal point was me turning on S/O for all of his studying. For giving up time with him. For being the supportive one while he soars into his world of making his dreams come true. Stupid I know. He's doing this out of necessity. He's doing it for ALL OF US. That it is his dream is beside the point. If something else came up opportunity wise, that he hated but would offer security and a good pay etc, he'd jump on it even if he worked his whole life hating what he does. He's that kind of guy. Where do I get off being resentful or jealous or petty and whining about my desires for myself? I can't believe its even entering into my dreams at night. I don't want to volunteer. I know its all altruistic etc. But i want a pay cheque of my own. I want to climb a ladder. I want to make a name for myself. i want to have a degree on my wall. I can't return to work as a correctional worker which I went to college for. My health won't allow it. If I want to work, am I to flip burgers? Can't even do that with my health (not that I'd want to at my age). UGH! I know it's time for me to let go of all of this incessant waiting for my turn, it isn't coming. I chose to have my children and one is very soon needing the support to get a post secondary education. Then it will be the other one. I want that for them. Badly. They WILL be given the opportunity and all they need to succeed. I don't know how though. How do I give up something that I waited for and waited for, that was always "just around the corner"? I don't know how. I feel completely sucker punched. I kept waiting to Be what I wanted to Be. And now I have to settle for being what I "AM". But I don't feel I "AM" anything> I feel like I"m merely the person who has been waiting to Be something. No need to even respond, and MAJOR apologies for the length of this. I just really needed to get this out. I know I have to deal with this emotionally. having nightmares like I had last night means that even at rest, this is hurting me. Self torture isn't my style, so I know I have to get with the program. And realize the program is NOT having my dreams come true.