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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 639734" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Oh Stress Bunny, I am so sorry. I would feel pretty bad too if all of that happened to me. Family dramas happen to many of us, particularly around the holidays which we all have so much invested in, so many expectations which can so easily go awry.......holidays seem to bring out all the underground feelings we can usually keep at bay during the year, but can come tearing out around the holidays in full force.</p><p></p><p>Your sister acted inappropriately, however, it sounds as if that behavior is somewhat normal for her. It's unnecessarily hurtful and could have easily been avoided. But, as we all know, family dynamics begin when we are children and we play them out almost unconsciously throughout our lives. I recall one Thanksgiving dinner where I realized we all still sat in the exact same place at the table as we had as children.........I sat in another seat and everyone was disoriented and bothered. We are creatures of habit and when the family gets together we assume our "roles" for better or for worse.</p><p></p><p>Here's my take on it SB, take what you want and throw the rest away. You sound like an earnest, thoughtful, sincere, kind, compassionate person whose had to deal with a very troubled son. You didn't get the accolades and benefits many get from parenting a healthy kid, so, often we beat ourselves up about that, thinking we must have done something to cause this...........even though we know in our minds we didn't, deep down many of us harbor a secret thought that we could somehow have made this different. After all, we are MOTHERS, we have super powers! Well, we don't. You don't. You did your best and this is what you got. You don't have to prove anything to anyone about anything. Guilt will keep you tied to the very scene you want to get away from. Do your best to let it go.</p><p></p><p>As far as your sister is concerned, for whatever reason, jealously, envy, competition between siblings, it doesn't even matter, you needn't try to get her approval or to get her "to like you." It doesn't appear that she has your back, the jealousy of you clouds her ability to empathize which is not in your best interest. You seem to understand that the relationship is not an equal one where everyone wins, in fact, you lose. It may be time for you to stop going after the approval of someone who is likely not going to give it to you. It causes you hurt. What she thinks of you isn't important, it is what YOU think of you that is the most important.</p><p></p><p>You've done your very best with your son and now, in as far as you've indicated here, you are gearing up to let go. I have found that once I did that with my daughter, the hardest person in the world to let go of, our child........then I began seeing others whom I needed to let go of too. Perhaps not have no contact with, but to let go of the part of the relationship which was hurting me. It became a lot clearer. And, it wasn't easy to see it or to do something about it.</p><p></p><p>It sounds as if you are taking a good look at those around you and seeing who loves you the way you want to be loved and who doesn't. Then you have choices. You can certainly hang out and seek out approval or try to make someone like you, or you can move on. None of this is easy. I've had to do this many times in my life........these realizations take our breath away...........it isn't what we want, but it is what it is. That sounds so simple, and it is, but it takes us humans some time to accept what is.</p><p></p><p>These things are really hard SB, give yourself some time and space to think about what you can do that will take care of YOU. Your sister and your son will continue doing what they've been doing, but YOU can change your responses to them.</p><p></p><p>Sending warm hugs........and thoughts of peace for your wounded heart...........as Buddha said SB, "<em>YOU yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." You.</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 639734, member: 13542"] Oh Stress Bunny, I am so sorry. I would feel pretty bad too if all of that happened to me. Family dramas happen to many of us, particularly around the holidays which we all have so much invested in, so many expectations which can so easily go awry.......holidays seem to bring out all the underground feelings we can usually keep at bay during the year, but can come tearing out around the holidays in full force. Your sister acted inappropriately, however, it sounds as if that behavior is somewhat normal for her. It's unnecessarily hurtful and could have easily been avoided. But, as we all know, family dynamics begin when we are children and we play them out almost unconsciously throughout our lives. I recall one Thanksgiving dinner where I realized we all still sat in the exact same place at the table as we had as children.........I sat in another seat and everyone was disoriented and bothered. We are creatures of habit and when the family gets together we assume our "roles" for better or for worse. Here's my take on it SB, take what you want and throw the rest away. You sound like an earnest, thoughtful, sincere, kind, compassionate person whose had to deal with a very troubled son. You didn't get the accolades and benefits many get from parenting a healthy kid, so, often we beat ourselves up about that, thinking we must have done something to cause this...........even though we know in our minds we didn't, deep down many of us harbor a secret thought that we could somehow have made this different. After all, we are MOTHERS, we have super powers! Well, we don't. You don't. You did your best and this is what you got. You don't have to prove anything to anyone about anything. Guilt will keep you tied to the very scene you want to get away from. Do your best to let it go. As far as your sister is concerned, for whatever reason, jealously, envy, competition between siblings, it doesn't even matter, you needn't try to get her approval or to get her "to like you." It doesn't appear that she has your back, the jealousy of you clouds her ability to empathize which is not in your best interest. You seem to understand that the relationship is not an equal one where everyone wins, in fact, you lose. It may be time for you to stop going after the approval of someone who is likely not going to give it to you. It causes you hurt. What she thinks of you isn't important, it is what YOU think of you that is the most important. You've done your very best with your son and now, in as far as you've indicated here, you are gearing up to let go. I have found that once I did that with my daughter, the hardest person in the world to let go of, our child........then I began seeing others whom I needed to let go of too. Perhaps not have no contact with, but to let go of the part of the relationship which was hurting me. It became a lot clearer. And, it wasn't easy to see it or to do something about it. It sounds as if you are taking a good look at those around you and seeing who loves you the way you want to be loved and who doesn't. Then you have choices. You can certainly hang out and seek out approval or try to make someone like you, or you can move on. None of this is easy. I've had to do this many times in my life........these realizations take our breath away...........it isn't what we want, but it is what it is. That sounds so simple, and it is, but it takes us humans some time to accept what is. These things are really hard SB, give yourself some time and space to think about what you can do that will take care of YOU. Your sister and your son will continue doing what they've been doing, but YOU can change your responses to them. Sending warm hugs........and thoughts of peace for your wounded heart...........as Buddha said SB, "[I]YOU yourself, as much as anyone in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." You.[/I] [/QUOTE]
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