SB, I am the oldest and the former people pleaser and over achiever, it comes with the birth order I think. 'Deep insecurities and fear of failure' are what happens when we set our own expectations higher then we can meet. It is a common occurrence with us. Take it from me, way up here in senior land, drop that right now.........drop all those unrealistic expectations of the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, the one who takes the higher road. Screw that. Take whatever road feels best to you! I have a younger sister too. She doesn't speak to me. I would LOVE to have a relationship with her, but..........I don't. I've had to let it go, there is nothing I can do. She has numerous mental illness' and I have no power to make it any different.
It's hard to feel good about yourself when you feel you are not worthy of the care, love, understanding, compassion........etc............because you can't live up to an unrealistic, self imposed expectation of who you think you SHOULD be. None of what you are saying is unusual nor is it a life sentence......it comes from our own perfectionistic expectations, our own shame and self cruelty.........I've been looking at those issues within myself for what feels like centuries. I know that feeling of aloneness and isolation. Make an intention to change this SB, you can. You're young and can make a difference in how you feel about yourself now, don't wait until you're older, do it now. It will give you many years of a lot more joy and a lot more peace.
And, I agree with an easy exit and having something fun planned for the holidays. Do whatever you need to to make it a good day for YOU. Be creative. You don't have to put up with bad behavior from your son and your sister...........minimize the time spent with them and make the holiday about what YOU want (with your husband and younger son) You will feel a lot better about yourself if you do that.
MWM and I have been at this longer then you, she and I have worked through a lot of the family stuff (thank God) as it sounds like Tanya has.......take it from us, start doing what makes you happy.........make yourself the priority............put yourself first.............love yourself, accept yourself, honor yourself.........don't wait until you're in your 60's, do it now!
