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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 639751" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I get this.</p><p></p><p>It isn't that anyone needs to dress formally, but it is part of Thanksgiving to honor and to remember gratitude, right? It isn't just another reason to party. And I get the thing about the girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner, too. Maybe for him to bring her for dessert, after she has had dinner with her own family.</p><p></p><p>None of this happened for me, either.</p><p></p><p>One time, just as we were getting into all this? We had Thanksgiving upstairs in the dining room for extended family. difficult child daughter, who was only about fourteen then, had done well through dinner, and had some friends over after dinner. They were downstairs, in the family room...and one of them, a male, began barking and howling like a wolf. </p><p></p><p>It was one of our weirdest Thanksgivings.</p><p></p><p>You can imagine.</p><p></p><p>We still had something like 20 people upstairs.</p><p></p><p>I felt like I was in Christmas Vacation.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry he twists the knife like that.</p><p></p><p>What do you do, how do you talk to and take care of yourself, when he says something so tailored to hurt?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ha! I get this one, too. Everyone in our family and most people in our neighborhood too, given that I had been such a snooty, know it all kind of mom, believed themselves ten thousand times better, smarter, kinder, and more patient than way too formal me.</p><p></p><p>After all, their kids were fine.</p><p></p><p>But I was so broken when it all began to crash and burn that, like you, I had no defense. </p><p></p><p>The dream was broken, and it would be a desperate twenty years until I admitted it was gone.</p><p></p><p>It would be years and years until I understood that I was not responsible, that there wasn't some essential missing piece to my mothering that made it impossible for my kids to walk the paths husband and I had cleared for them.</p><p></p><p>By that time, by the time I knew that?</p><p></p><p>Each of the members of our extended families had taken their shot at straightening first difficult child daughter and then, difficult child son, out. They had failed too, of course. As we finally do learn, here on the site, the kids are the ones making the choices. We can tell them not to do that until we are blue in the face.</p><p></p><p>And all we get for that is blue in the face.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think siblings sometimes have us on such a pedestal that they can't help but take us down. I think they never understand, until we have finally turned away, that the pedestal was of their own making.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>She does. Where you or I feel tender or protective toward a younger sibling, the younger sibling, I think, needs to knock you off that pedestal she put you on before she can even see who you are.</p><p></p><p>This may take a lifetime.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>ouch.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think you are not overreacting. These things happen, just as you've described, to so many of us, here on the site. The issue, for you and for us, is how to respond, how to see it for what it is and not make that the real reality. I don't mean to sound like a goofball here, but can you see the hurt underneath the sister's actions?</p><p></p><p>You have come a far way, in that you can admit to yourself that <em>you</em> have been hurt.</p><p></p><p>There can be compassion for how impossibly hard it is to be human. If you look for it, you will see that.</p><p></p><p>Your sister will only see it if she looks for it. Right now, she will not look there, because she is needing to knock you off that pedestal she put you on in the first place.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard thing, to be human.</p><p></p><p>Told you I would sound like a goofball.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is very true. It is hard to keep that perspective when it hurts.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing, to be able to do what we all do. We need to acknowledge that, and hold ourselves with compassion, and trust ourselves to know we will try to do what is right. </p><p></p><p>That is a very lonely place to be.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like this advice, very much. A time away from time for you and husband will be so good for both of you. Duty first, do your best, and a time away, a time to recuperate.</p><p></p><p>That was very good advice, Nomad.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Bless and cherish yourself and husband. These are very hard things. And once Thanksgiving has come and gone?</p><p></p><p><strong><span style="font-size: 22px"><span style="color: #ff0000">OH GOOD LORD, CHRISTMAS.</span></span></strong></p><p></p><p>But how good it would be to know you were doing a getaway with husband after the holidays.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 639751, member: 17461"] I get this. It isn't that anyone needs to dress formally, but it is part of Thanksgiving to honor and to remember gratitude, right? It isn't just another reason to party. And I get the thing about the girlfriend at Thanksgiving dinner, too. Maybe for him to bring her for dessert, after she has had dinner with her own family. None of this happened for me, either. One time, just as we were getting into all this? We had Thanksgiving upstairs in the dining room for extended family. difficult child daughter, who was only about fourteen then, had done well through dinner, and had some friends over after dinner. They were downstairs, in the family room...and one of them, a male, began barking and howling like a wolf. It was one of our weirdest Thanksgivings. You can imagine. We still had something like 20 people upstairs. I felt like I was in Christmas Vacation. Ouch. I'm sorry he twists the knife like that. What do you do, how do you talk to and take care of yourself, when he says something so tailored to hurt? Ha! I get this one, too. Everyone in our family and most people in our neighborhood too, given that I had been such a snooty, know it all kind of mom, believed themselves ten thousand times better, smarter, kinder, and more patient than way too formal me. After all, their kids were fine. But I was so broken when it all began to crash and burn that, like you, I had no defense. The dream was broken, and it would be a desperate twenty years until I admitted it was gone. It would be years and years until I understood that I was not responsible, that there wasn't some essential missing piece to my mothering that made it impossible for my kids to walk the paths husband and I had cleared for them. By that time, by the time I knew that? Each of the members of our extended families had taken their shot at straightening first difficult child daughter and then, difficult child son, out. They had failed too, of course. As we finally do learn, here on the site, the kids are the ones making the choices. We can tell them not to do that until we are blue in the face. And all we get for that is blue in the face. I'm sorry, I forgot where I was going with this. I think siblings sometimes have us on such a pedestal that they can't help but take us down. I think they never understand, until we have finally turned away, that the pedestal was of their own making. She does. Where you or I feel tender or protective toward a younger sibling, the younger sibling, I think, needs to knock you off that pedestal she put you on before she can even see who you are. This may take a lifetime. ouch. I think you are not overreacting. These things happen, just as you've described, to so many of us, here on the site. The issue, for you and for us, is how to respond, how to see it for what it is and not make that the real reality. I don't mean to sound like a goofball here, but can you see the hurt underneath the sister's actions? You have come a far way, in that you can admit to yourself that [I]you[/I] have been hurt. There can be compassion for how impossibly hard it is to be human. If you look for it, you will see that. Your sister will only see it if she looks for it. Right now, she will not look there, because she is needing to knock you off that pedestal she put you on in the first place. It is a hard thing, to be human. Told you I would sound like a goofball. :O) This is very true. It is hard to keep that perspective when it hurts. It is a very hard thing, to be able to do what we all do. We need to acknowledge that, and hold ourselves with compassion, and trust ourselves to know we will try to do what is right. That is a very lonely place to be. I like this advice, very much. A time away from time for you and husband will be so good for both of you. Duty first, do your best, and a time away, a time to recuperate. That was very good advice, Nomad. Yes. Bless and cherish yourself and husband. These are very hard things. And once Thanksgiving has come and gone? [B][SIZE=6][COLOR=#ff0000]OH GOOD LORD, CHRISTMAS.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/B] But how good it would be to know you were doing a getaway with husband after the holidays. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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