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Having a very hard time tonight
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 583712" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Payla. You've gotten really good advice and support from other Mom's. You are certainly NOT an idiot, geez, we love our kids, we want them to succeed, no one but you will know where that cut off point is, so first of all, stop being so hard on yourself. This is a horrific landscape we find ourselves on, there is no rule book of right and wrong where if we do something perfectly all ends well. We do our best. If we knew better we'd do better. I've read all your posts, you've ALWAYS done your best, you've ALWAYS shown up for your son and given him the benefit of the doubt. </p><p></p><p>I have no idea whether he really has a job or not, or whether if you help him or not any of that will make a difference. What I do know is that YOU must find the place in your heart which tells you it is time to stop giving him any money, OR give him the money for the gas for the week, or give him all the money. And, if you give him all the money, you know he may blow this chance anyway. Being stuck in the middle of having to make that choice is absolutely crazy-making. I understand that really well. Your son, like my daughter, is not a child, they are not only adults, but OLDER adults AND they have serious issues too. I know exactly where you are standing right now and it is such a difficult, frightening place to be, feeling as if YOU hold the responsibility for HIS life and what will happen to him. </p><p></p><p>At some point, and this may be that point for you, it is <u>enough</u>, you will make a decision to just stop and wherever he goes with that is it. The bottom line is he really may blow it, he may NOT take this chance for a better life and go back to being homeless and calling you constantly. That's the hard, horrible truth of it and there isn't anything you can do. All you really can do is decide when to stop helping him. I was faced with that exact same truth and there came a point where I just stopped. My difficult child kept manipulating me and I stopped responding. And I still don't know if she will pull herself out of the hole she's in. Last year I helped her get to what I considered to be level ground where I believed she could then start fresh with all the resources she needed and all her bills paid. She didn't take that chance the way I thought she should, she managed to go back to some degree and the bills pile up once again. The big difference for me is that I have just stopped responding, no more money, no more help. After a while, she stopped asking. And now we are in this new place, I hardly hear from her, I don't know what she is doing, but she is really on her own. She may or may not change, I don't know, <em>but I have changed.</em></p><p></p><p>This detachment is really hard on us parents and it moves slowly as we get used to letting go of helping and enabling them. "<em>I just can't stand the thought that this will never end"</em> that is the crux of it, and I'm sorry to say that it may not end. He may be homeless and be exactly the way he is forever..............all you can do is respond differently and choose not to be a part of the drama. And, believe me, I know how hard that is. If gas money is all you're willing to do, then so be it. Whatever happens will happen, that is all <strong>his</strong> choice, he may blow it, but it won't be because of anything you did or didn't do. What you do or don't do is your choice, the rest is all his. I'm sorry you are feeling beaten, I hope today brings you more peace. Many, many gentle hugs for you...........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 583712, member: 13542"] Good morning Payla. You've gotten really good advice and support from other Mom's. You are certainly NOT an idiot, geez, we love our kids, we want them to succeed, no one but you will know where that cut off point is, so first of all, stop being so hard on yourself. This is a horrific landscape we find ourselves on, there is no rule book of right and wrong where if we do something perfectly all ends well. We do our best. If we knew better we'd do better. I've read all your posts, you've ALWAYS done your best, you've ALWAYS shown up for your son and given him the benefit of the doubt. I have no idea whether he really has a job or not, or whether if you help him or not any of that will make a difference. What I do know is that YOU must find the place in your heart which tells you it is time to stop giving him any money, OR give him the money for the gas for the week, or give him all the money. And, if you give him all the money, you know he may blow this chance anyway. Being stuck in the middle of having to make that choice is absolutely crazy-making. I understand that really well. Your son, like my daughter, is not a child, they are not only adults, but OLDER adults AND they have serious issues too. I know exactly where you are standing right now and it is such a difficult, frightening place to be, feeling as if YOU hold the responsibility for HIS life and what will happen to him. At some point, and this may be that point for you, it is [U]enough[/U], you will make a decision to just stop and wherever he goes with that is it. The bottom line is he really may blow it, he may NOT take this chance for a better life and go back to being homeless and calling you constantly. That's the hard, horrible truth of it and there isn't anything you can do. All you really can do is decide when to stop helping him. I was faced with that exact same truth and there came a point where I just stopped. My difficult child kept manipulating me and I stopped responding. And I still don't know if she will pull herself out of the hole she's in. Last year I helped her get to what I considered to be level ground where I believed she could then start fresh with all the resources she needed and all her bills paid. She didn't take that chance the way I thought she should, she managed to go back to some degree and the bills pile up once again. The big difference for me is that I have just stopped responding, no more money, no more help. After a while, she stopped asking. And now we are in this new place, I hardly hear from her, I don't know what she is doing, but she is really on her own. She may or may not change, I don't know, [I]but I have changed.[/I] This detachment is really hard on us parents and it moves slowly as we get used to letting go of helping and enabling them. "[I]I just can't stand the thought that this will never end"[/I] that is the crux of it, and I'm sorry to say that it may not end. He may be homeless and be exactly the way he is forever..............all you can do is respond differently and choose not to be a part of the drama. And, believe me, I know how hard that is. If gas money is all you're willing to do, then so be it. Whatever happens will happen, that is all [B]his[/B] choice, he may blow it, but it won't be because of anything you did or didn't do. What you do or don't do is your choice, the rest is all his. I'm sorry you are feeling beaten, I hope today brings you more peace. Many, many gentle hugs for you........... [/QUOTE]
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