Having a very hard time tonight

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Payla, Mar 9, 2013.

  1. Payla

    Payla New Member

    difficult child has been in sober house less than two weeks. We have given him LOTS of help with gas, doctor, car repair food on and on since he got there after not helping him for a long time which helped him end up in detox and i found him this sober house. Tonight I get a call that he got a jog but won't be able to go unless we give home enough money to get through week til Friday paycheck . I was so mad after giving in to him so many times during this two week period, hoping and believing this help was different from before. I said I'll give you gas money that's it and he said no forget it I want enough for the week! I know people reading this must think I'm an idiot. I am just so distraught that he will blow this chance to get a better life and be back to harassing us and back to homelessness and calling me at work constantly . I just can't stand the the thought that this will never end. I am in therapy and had been doing pretty well but tonight I feel truly beaten.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I happen to be up late (unusualfor me), but I got to see your post.

    I think you are being manipulated. He either wants the job or he doesn't want the job. He doesn't need a whole week's worth of your money to go to work next week. It's not your responsibility to keep him sober or to make him work and if he isn't motivated enough to go to his job unless you pay him to, he probably won't keep the job anyway. He's not ten years old getting a reward for a good report card. He's a man and should not get a bribe to act grown up. If this is your 33 year old, it's well past the time he needs to grow up without your money, BUT it is his choice and only his choice. You don't have to make any decision now though. Just rest and see how you feel tomorrow. Maybe the best thing to do is to work on your own life and detachment :) I'm sorry he is making you feel responsible for whether or not he walks straight or not...as you probably know in your heart, giving him money isn't going to make him do the right things. It has to come from deep within him and when he is ready, if he is ever ready (some people never are) he will do the right things and make the right choices on his own, without your help. Have you ever gone to Narc-Anon? Lots of good face-to-face help and support there. Try to sleep.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Not an idiot. Just a mom who loves her kid and is trying to learn to detach. It takes a while to get good at........and even then sometimes we stumble.
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    are u absolutely sure there is even a job? sometimes I am not completely adverse to helping a tad bit if I know mine wont get a paycheck for the first two weeks because they hold back a week. Like right now he is back in el paso he found out they hold a week in the hole. He had a bit of money but I gave him a little more just to get by so he wouldnt be too hard off while trying to work out of town. Of course he isnt living in a sober house.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning Payla. You've gotten really good advice and support from other Mom's. You are certainly NOT an idiot, geez, we love our kids, we want them to succeed, no one but you will know where that cut off point is, so first of all, stop being so hard on yourself. This is a horrific landscape we find ourselves on, there is no rule book of right and wrong where if we do something perfectly all ends well. We do our best. If we knew better we'd do better. I've read all your posts, you've ALWAYS done your best, you've ALWAYS shown up for your son and given him the benefit of the doubt.

    I have no idea whether he really has a job or not, or whether if you help him or not any of that will make a difference. What I do know is that YOU must find the place in your heart which tells you it is time to stop giving him any money, OR give him the money for the gas for the week, or give him all the money. And, if you give him all the money, you know he may blow this chance anyway. Being stuck in the middle of having to make that choice is absolutely crazy-making. I understand that really well. Your son, like my daughter, is not a child, they are not only adults, but OLDER adults AND they have serious issues too. I know exactly where you are standing right now and it is such a difficult, frightening place to be, feeling as if YOU hold the responsibility for HIS life and what will happen to him.

    At some point, and this may be that point for you, it is enough, you will make a decision to just stop and wherever he goes with that is it. The bottom line is he really may blow it, he may NOT take this chance for a better life and go back to being homeless and calling you constantly. That's the hard, horrible truth of it and there isn't anything you can do. All you really can do is decide when to stop helping him. I was faced with that exact same truth and there came a point where I just stopped. My difficult child kept manipulating me and I stopped responding. And I still don't know if she will pull herself out of the hole she's in. Last year I helped her get to what I considered to be level ground where I believed she could then start fresh with all the resources she needed and all her bills paid. She didn't take that chance the way I thought she should, she managed to go back to some degree and the bills pile up once again. The big difference for me is that I have just stopped responding, no more money, no more help. After a while, she stopped asking. And now we are in this new place, I hardly hear from her, I don't know what she is doing, but she is really on her own. She may or may not change, I don't know, but I have changed.

    This detachment is really hard on us parents and it moves slowly as we get used to letting go of helping and enabling them. "I just can't stand the thought that this will never end" that is the crux of it, and I'm sorry to say that it may not end. He may be homeless and be exactly the way he is forever..............all you can do is respond differently and choose not to be a part of the drama. And, believe me, I know how hard that is. If gas money is all you're willing to do, then so be it. Whatever happens will happen, that is all his choice, he may blow it, but it won't be because of anything you did or didn't do. What you do or don't do is your choice, the rest is all his. I'm sorry you are feeling beaten, I hope today brings you more peace. Many, many gentle hugs for you...........
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    You are doing the absolute right thing. Gas is enough of a help to get him through the week till he gets paid. You're doing great! Hugs to you...it takes time, but hang in there.
  7. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    You are not an idiot! You are doing great with offering gas money but nothing else. Stay strong and positive thoughts being sent your way.
  8. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    It's hard!! My difficult child is 34 and I just became absolutely bone tired of all of the lies, drama, constant requests for money. He actually went NC with me after I refused to give him money and he threatented suicide.

    That threat and a few nasty sentences really set everything in perspective for me. I drew the line in the sand, until he gets his act together and gets help I would rather not hear from him.

    I have no clue where he is and no way to contact him - but the peace has been wonderful. They are adults and really need to learn to be self sufficient. There's help out there if the want it.

    I spend some days tuning it over to my HP, but overall PEACE!!
  9. Payla

    Payla New Member

    difficult child got thrown out of sober house for missing two meetings. He had just gotten a job. I did feel sorry for him but this isso typical. He never seems to be able to follow rules and it is never his fault. Now he is at his brothers house and that will most likely end badly. He is clean from drugs but that is a shaky situation without support. He was going to NA meetings and a counselor for first time in his life and that won't continue now if its not mandatory. I felt so disappointed and sad for just a bit; my detachment is stronger than it was a year ago, but it is still such a distraction and weight!
  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    I hope things are a bit easier for you today. It's a balancing act when it comes to when we decide to help and when we decide that helping isn't helping. His choice as to whether or not to recover is his alone. I hope and pray he decides to do the hard work towards sobriety. Keep taking care of yourself and remember that you cannot change him, you can love him, but only he can choose sobriety.
    Many hugs,
  11. Payla

    Payla New Member

    Thank you Dash, your reply gives me comfort!