Thanks again for your thoughtful replies. I think I was somewhat in a panic after his tirade the other night, as it just brought back a lot of memories of the "bad old days" when his tantrums were very frequent. He hasn't acted out like that in probably 9 months, so I really didn't want to go back to those days. He has since assured me that it won't become a regular thing again. (we'll see)
He and his wife had been dating only 5 months when they decided to get married. She had been practically living with us (over almost every day), and I thought they were joking when they said they were getting married. When it was clear they were serious, I told my son, "You know, it might be better for you to wait until you've known each other longer. There's no need to rush into it." He said, "I'm 19 and you can't stop me." Husband and I decided to be supportive since there was no talking them out of it. We were that age when we got married, but I feel like we were better prepared as had jobs, a car, an apartment, etc. already. We'll celebrate our 36th anniversary next week!
All your suggestions about setting boundaries are so helpful.
I'm kind-of struggling with the move out date idea. I've mentioned it before without a specific deadline, and my son reminded me that I let his brother live with us for 18 months when he was on house arrest. He says, "So if I become addicted to heroin and get arrested, I can stay?" He's been talking about joining the Army, but can't do so until after his court case is resolved (after June). If he does, that would take care of a lot. I want to give them enough time to get him into a job and save for rent, but I don't want it to be too open-ended. I'll have to think about this.
They are willing to do chores when I ask, but I haven't been very specific or consistent with this. They have been cleaning their bedroom and bathroom regularly and taking out trash.
We had been giving my son spending money since he quit his job. The idea originally was so he could buy gas for his car so he could look for jobs. Then he lost the car and now has a suspended license, so doesn't drive. He'll still ask for money for fast food, coffee, and cigarettes, and it does add up. I've never smoked a day in my life, yet I've spent hundreds of dollars on his cigarettes. This was mostly done to stop his begging and whining when he was out of them. (I know, enabling at it's best.) Then I got to the point where I would say "no," and my husband would give in because he didn't want to hear the complaining. Ugh, double enabling.
Well, yay me, I did tell him that I wasn't buying fast food or cigarettes for him anymore, case closed. He looked at me like I was a space alien and said, "OK????" It hasn't come up again since his wife's paycheck hasn't run out.
Good point, susiestar. He's been floating so long, ever since he dropped out of high school, and only had structure for the few months he was working.
I probably have been trying too hard to appease him and calm him down when he gets mouthy and critical. I'll keep your food for thought in mind and try to stop worrying about his delicate feelings all the time when he's being unreasonable.
I think he's really been upset that I mostly cook only for myself and my husband. If I'm making a bigger dinner, I'll tell them there's food they can have, or if I'm actually making a sit-down dinner I'll invite them to join us. They generally eat in their room, though. Sometimes his wife will come out and eat with us without him, though, which is interesting. She seems so normal compared to him, and I kind-of don't get the attraction!
Just writing these things and thinking through them is making me feel better about the situation and that I can exert some control over my surroundings again.
