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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 164132" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>You've already gotten some good advice on how to deal with this situation, so I'm going to go a different direction. Please understand I am not trying to criticize with some of the things I am asking and saying. I understand your plight better than most (barring MWM and Timer Lady). </p><p> </p><p>I had the opportunity to adopt my daughter's brother as well. I absolutely refused. There is no way those two children could be together. He had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). He was also a sexual predator. They had been in two foster homes together -- in both homes he tried to rape her and he was only 5 and 6 at the time. Even so, we kept light contact with him, seeing him about twice a year. My daughter blocked the bad incidents with her brother and I decided it was important to her well being to see that he was okay even if they couldn't be together. I felt bad for him but my priority was my daughter and what was best for her. Living with him was not good for her, nor was it good for him. So, I can understand your anger, pain, frustration.</p><p> </p><p>Are you having any contact with him? Is there any chance he is calling just to hear a voice that loved him? I do wonder if he is feeling the pain of rejection when you refuse to talk to him and tell him he can't call. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids can feel -- they're just very good at hiding it. I hope this is being addressed at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (both the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and his feelings when you don't talk to him).</p><p> </p><p>Don't get me wrong, I so understand your anger. I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I think you're doing the right thing for your daughter. However, he is still a hurt child. Whether he can ever be even remotely fixed is questionable but I'm one of those who can't give up. </p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry he is not really changing. I'm wondering if this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the right fit for him. There are few that will even accept a child who sexually assaults another, let alone does it on a continual basis. I'm not even sure what the treatment plan would be in a case like that. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be working here. You may have to do more research and see if you can find a place that is more proactive (if one even exists).</p><p> </p><p>I hate how ill-prepared adoption agencies and services leave us parents. They give us no clue what can happen and then try to force us to fix the problem with little to no help. There is no training for a truly hurt child before placement occurs. There is no warning what can happen and no suggestions what you can do to help your beloved children. There is, of course, blame, accusations and if you dare to mention disruption threats of prison for child abandonment.</p><p> </p><p>I had to beg and threaten to even get the names of therapists, etc. that could help my daughter. It took three years of battles just to get a real history of what all happened to her pre-adoption and I'm know I didn't get all the facts. I was lucky that I had some idea of what I was getting into. I was reading anything I could find before she even moved into my home. But reading didn't prepare me for some of her behaviors and they certainly didn't prepare me for her early teens. I don't think anything could have prepared me for that.</p><p> </p><p>Sorry for the vent but there is a point. You've been through hell and back. You have a long and hard battle in store for you for your daughter. For your son, it may be time to either totally disrupt the adoption and let the state do as they will with him or you may have to start having more contact with him (obviously not your daughter but you and your husband). You also need some therapy for you to help you understand what happened, that you did do the best you could, to help you let go of some of your anger, to help you be able to forgive him and find whatever good is in him.</p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry. I wish there were some easy answers. Oh, I wish so many things for our children. They don't deserve the beginning they got. We don't deserve to have to deal with this hurt, especially when we're so ill-prepared to do so.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 164132, member: 3626"] You've already gotten some good advice on how to deal with this situation, so I'm going to go a different direction. Please understand I am not trying to criticize with some of the things I am asking and saying. I understand your plight better than most (barring MWM and Timer Lady). I had the opportunity to adopt my daughter's brother as well. I absolutely refused. There is no way those two children could be together. He had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). He was also a sexual predator. They had been in two foster homes together -- in both homes he tried to rape her and he was only 5 and 6 at the time. Even so, we kept light contact with him, seeing him about twice a year. My daughter blocked the bad incidents with her brother and I decided it was important to her well being to see that he was okay even if they couldn't be together. I felt bad for him but my priority was my daughter and what was best for her. Living with him was not good for her, nor was it good for him. So, I can understand your anger, pain, frustration. Are you having any contact with him? Is there any chance he is calling just to hear a voice that loved him? I do wonder if he is feeling the pain of rejection when you refuse to talk to him and tell him he can't call. Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids can feel -- they're just very good at hiding it. I hope this is being addressed at his Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (both the Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and his feelings when you don't talk to him). Don't get me wrong, I so understand your anger. I'm not trying to make you feel bad and I think you're doing the right thing for your daughter. However, he is still a hurt child. Whether he can ever be even remotely fixed is questionable but I'm one of those who can't give up. I'm sorry he is not really changing. I'm wondering if this Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is the right fit for him. There are few that will even accept a child who sexually assaults another, let alone does it on a continual basis. I'm not even sure what the treatment plan would be in a case like that. Whatever it is, it doesn't seem to be working here. You may have to do more research and see if you can find a place that is more proactive (if one even exists). I hate how ill-prepared adoption agencies and services leave us parents. They give us no clue what can happen and then try to force us to fix the problem with little to no help. There is no training for a truly hurt child before placement occurs. There is no warning what can happen and no suggestions what you can do to help your beloved children. There is, of course, blame, accusations and if you dare to mention disruption threats of prison for child abandonment. I had to beg and threaten to even get the names of therapists, etc. that could help my daughter. It took three years of battles just to get a real history of what all happened to her pre-adoption and I'm know I didn't get all the facts. I was lucky that I had some idea of what I was getting into. I was reading anything I could find before she even moved into my home. But reading didn't prepare me for some of her behaviors and they certainly didn't prepare me for her early teens. I don't think anything could have prepared me for that. Sorry for the vent but there is a point. You've been through hell and back. You have a long and hard battle in store for you for your daughter. For your son, it may be time to either totally disrupt the adoption and let the state do as they will with him or you may have to start having more contact with him (obviously not your daughter but you and your husband). You also need some therapy for you to help you understand what happened, that you did do the best you could, to help you let go of some of your anger, to help you be able to forgive him and find whatever good is in him. I'm sorry. I wish there were some easy answers. Oh, I wish so many things for our children. They don't deserve the beginning they got. We don't deserve to have to deal with this hurt, especially when we're so ill-prepared to do so. [/QUOTE]
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