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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 746409" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>I only have a moment right now, and I can only comment from my own understanding of my own experience.</p><p></p><p>There is a reason …. The reason my son does not show up in similar circumstances is because HE DOES NOT WANT TO. He really does not want to see me or talk to me. ( If he really did WANT to, he would.) …. <em>I don’t think of this as anything personal against me …. Just that he does not want to.</em> He may plan to do it with me ahead of time – (<em>just to momentarily appease or humor me or think maybe he could </em>) … but at the moment of truth … <u>HIS truth wins out</u> …. <u>he will do what he wants</u> - No Show. He is his own person.</p><p></p><p>As for blaming you, when I think of this in relation to my son - what I think my son blames are my expectations (or what he<strong> <u>perceives</u></strong> as my expectations. ) He knows very well what I would like to see happen with and for him (<em>even though I have given up expectations , he still thinks I have them.</em>) ---- He knows himself that he will not meet those <em>perceived</em> expectations.</p><p>His being uncomfortable and pressured in the face of feeling he is not meeting those expectations is not what he wants to experience ---- and he does not want to feel whatever he anticipates may come across in my tone of voice or actions, as any criticism or disapproval or blame etc. This pushes him away more. He would rather struggle and suffer with the companions he feels comfortable with and who accept him as he is, than to feel pressured into associating with our family, where I think he feels he does not measure up.</p><p></p><p>I’m not sure if I expressed this the way I wanted to, as I’m still grappling with understanding these dynamics myself. It’s hard stuff, as we get through each new day.</p><p> Agree.</p><p>Take care Copa. We understand and you are not alone.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 746409, member: 19617"] I only have a moment right now, and I can only comment from my own understanding of my own experience. There is a reason …. The reason my son does not show up in similar circumstances is because HE DOES NOT WANT TO. He really does not want to see me or talk to me. ( If he really did WANT to, he would.) …. [I]I don’t think of this as anything personal against me …. Just that he does not want to.[/I] He may plan to do it with me ahead of time – ([I]just to momentarily appease or humor me or think maybe he could [/I]) … but at the moment of truth … [U]HIS truth wins out[/U] …. [U]he will do what he wants[/U] - No Show. He is his own person. As for blaming you, when I think of this in relation to my son - what I think my son blames are my expectations (or what he[B] [U]perceives[/U][/B] as my expectations. ) He knows very well what I would like to see happen with and for him ([I]even though I have given up expectations , he still thinks I have them.[/I]) ---- He knows himself that he will not meet those [I]perceived[/I] expectations. His being uncomfortable and pressured in the face of feeling he is not meeting those expectations is not what he wants to experience ---- and he does not want to feel whatever he anticipates may come across in my tone of voice or actions, as any criticism or disapproval or blame etc. This pushes him away more. He would rather struggle and suffer with the companions he feels comfortable with and who accept him as he is, than to feel pressured into associating with our family, where I think he feels he does not measure up. I’m not sure if I expressed this the way I wanted to, as I’m still grappling with understanding these dynamics myself. It’s hard stuff, as we get through each new day. Agree. Take care Copa. We understand and you are not alone. [/QUOTE]
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