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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 746438" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Thank you everybody. Thank you Deni and SWOT, Eliza, Albatross, Nomad, Caretoomuch, OZ, KT'smom, Newstart, Kalahou and Everybody.</p><p>No. M is not back living with me, but he does visit nearly everyday (he's been here today for coffee, and I make dinner for him nearly everyday) and I go visit him. It<em> is</em> hard to be alone.</p><p></p><p>Today M and I had a conversation about hard drugs. I stated that I feared J had turned to hard drugs. Because I am seeing from him exactly the kinds of behaviors the mothers here describe of their addicted children. (I am thinking specifically of New Leaf, here. Sadly and unfortunately, for both of us.) And M said he had long feared this, primarily because of the way J runs through money. M said there is no way he could run through money the way he does, absent more expensive drugs. M thinks that there is a greater than fifty percent chance J has been using hard drugs for some time.</p><p></p><p>We also revisited the idea of J's coming home without conditions. M's way of looking at it was that J would live with him and that he could determine just what is going on. So my reply:<em> And then what am I going to do?</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>Because as M says, <em>J coming home would likely put me in an early grave. </em>As the train approached the station yesterday (even before I knew he wasn't coming) I began to feel the horrible pain in my stomach that had become chronic when dealing with him up close.</p><p></p><p>So the way it was left this morning, is that <em>I will not think about it.</em></p><p></p><p>But I seem unable to stop myself. I agree with all of this:</p><p>I am wondering if what J does not want me to see is that he is addicted to hard drugs.</p><p></p><p>Where I am right now is here: I am seeing this as a spiritual process for me. That yesterday I fell into a tunnel of despair, but within it I found the light at the end. I just have to keep doing this. Finding the light.</p><p></p><p>Until (and if) my son decides to ask for help I do not think I can reach back to him.</p><p></p><p>I have some regret that I did not let him come home last month when he wanted to. (When I said I'd call the cops if he showed up on my doorstep.) I keep insisting that he accept that I have some boundaries, and some right to voice about my life and space. That is how these attempted visits come about--so that I could have some consent, some acknowledgement by him of responsibilities.</p><p></p><p>I am seeing that the operative word here is that <u>I ACCEPT and OWN that I have a right to boundaries and voice. That this right HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS assent or his doing anything or saying anything at all.</u></p><p></p><p>I go to a place where I feel that my protection, even my bodily integrity is contingent upon somebody else. I do not think that my son is the original transgressor. But he steps into it.</p><p></p><p>Until I can get a handle on this, there is no space for my son in this conversation. That is clear. I cannot help somebody if my own house is not in order.</p><p></p><p>This is complicated stuff, this quicksand. Thank you all very, very much.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 746438, member: 18958"] Thank you everybody. Thank you Deni and SWOT, Eliza, Albatross, Nomad, Caretoomuch, OZ, KT'smom, Newstart, Kalahou and Everybody. No. M is not back living with me, but he does visit nearly everyday (he's been here today for coffee, and I make dinner for him nearly everyday) and I go visit him. It[I] is[/I] hard to be alone. Today M and I had a conversation about hard drugs. I stated that I feared J had turned to hard drugs. Because I am seeing from him exactly the kinds of behaviors the mothers here describe of their addicted children. (I am thinking specifically of New Leaf, here. Sadly and unfortunately, for both of us.) And M said he had long feared this, primarily because of the way J runs through money. M said there is no way he could run through money the way he does, absent more expensive drugs. M thinks that there is a greater than fifty percent chance J has been using hard drugs for some time. We also revisited the idea of J's coming home without conditions. M's way of looking at it was that J would live with him and that he could determine just what is going on. So my reply:[I] And then what am I going to do? [/I] Because as M says, [I]J coming home would likely put me in an early grave. [/I]As the train approached the station yesterday (even before I knew he wasn't coming) I began to feel the horrible pain in my stomach that had become chronic when dealing with him up close. So the way it was left this morning, is that [I]I will not think about it.[/I] But I seem unable to stop myself. I agree with all of this: I am wondering if what J does not want me to see is that he is addicted to hard drugs. Where I am right now is here: I am seeing this as a spiritual process for me. That yesterday I fell into a tunnel of despair, but within it I found the light at the end. I just have to keep doing this. Finding the light. Until (and if) my son decides to ask for help I do not think I can reach back to him. I have some regret that I did not let him come home last month when he wanted to. (When I said I'd call the cops if he showed up on my doorstep.) I keep insisting that he accept that I have some boundaries, and some right to voice about my life and space. That is how these attempted visits come about--so that I could have some consent, some acknowledgement by him of responsibilities. I am seeing that the operative word here is that [U]I ACCEPT and OWN that I have a right to boundaries and voice. That this right HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS assent or his doing anything or saying anything at all.[/U] I go to a place where I feel that my protection, even my bodily integrity is contingent upon somebody else. I do not think that my son is the original transgressor. But he steps into it. Until I can get a handle on this, there is no space for my son in this conversation. That is clear. I cannot help somebody if my own house is not in order. This is complicated stuff, this quicksand. Thank you all very, very much. [/QUOTE]
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