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<blockquote data-quote="Nomad" data-source="post: 746521" data-attributes="member: 4152"><p>Husband and I have had the complicated and confusing conversation many times regarding our mentally ill daughter and what she may or may not be able to do.</p><p></p><p>I tend to say that we need to “tease” out what is real and what is not real. Sometimes she truly just doesn’t seem capable of simple things. It’s a call that requires biblical wisdom or something. Because she also can be lazy or apply zero effort. If we set no boundaries when she is applying zero effort, her behaviors worsen.</p><p></p><p>So, we do find it necessary to observe and analyze a bit. In our case, I think she could work about ten hours a week (max) in some sort of ideal job. A boss who is almost absurdly understanding. Such a job doesn’t exist. Only in my dreams. It’s not realistic.</p><p></p><p>If my husband wasn’t designated payee, I think it is highly big time unlikely she could pay rent or survive . No cause and effect reasoning. It doesn’t make sense because she doesn’t have a low IQ. It just is. It wouldn’t be against me. Maybe your son has something akin to this? I don't know. Our daughter just wouldn’t be able to do this particular thing. Too impulsive. No ability to think more than perhaps a few minutes ahead in time.</p><p></p><p>We have set other boundaries. For example, she can’t call us before 9 am. She can text if it’s a true emergency. We don’t answer the phone if she calls before 9. And if she breaks this rule often...there are consequences. This rule/boundary IS within her ability.</p><p></p><p>It is a hard call ...what is within their ability and what isn’t. Where to set boundaries and where to let some things go.</p><p></p><p>But it all seems so sad. For me, a loss. What in the world? Hours upon hours of thought, extra care, time...money etc. With seemingly little impact. A thirty year old who struggles to use the phone appropriately ...or screams the F word repeatedly in her Condo living room (for example) and wonders why she has gotten in trouble with the HOA. So, we set a boundary on the F word.</p><p></p><p>Well, these problems aren’t as concerning as what you experience with J ...but I do recognize that you likely need to go through that arduous task of sorting /teasing out what your adult special needs child can do and can not do while at the same time setting boundaries in areas that he has ability...because otherwise they might not make little strides forward...something positive in an otherwise very painful and seemingly hopeless situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nomad, post: 746521, member: 4152"] Husband and I have had the complicated and confusing conversation many times regarding our mentally ill daughter and what she may or may not be able to do. I tend to say that we need to “tease” out what is real and what is not real. Sometimes she truly just doesn’t seem capable of simple things. It’s a call that requires biblical wisdom or something. Because she also can be lazy or apply zero effort. If we set no boundaries when she is applying zero effort, her behaviors worsen. So, we do find it necessary to observe and analyze a bit. In our case, I think she could work about ten hours a week (max) in some sort of ideal job. A boss who is almost absurdly understanding. Such a job doesn’t exist. Only in my dreams. It’s not realistic. If my husband wasn’t designated payee, I think it is highly big time unlikely she could pay rent or survive . No cause and effect reasoning. It doesn’t make sense because she doesn’t have a low IQ. It just is. It wouldn’t be against me. Maybe your son has something akin to this? I don't know. Our daughter just wouldn’t be able to do this particular thing. Too impulsive. No ability to think more than perhaps a few minutes ahead in time. We have set other boundaries. For example, she can’t call us before 9 am. She can text if it’s a true emergency. We don’t answer the phone if she calls before 9. And if she breaks this rule often...there are consequences. This rule/boundary IS within her ability. It is a hard call ...what is within their ability and what isn’t. Where to set boundaries and where to let some things go. But it all seems so sad. For me, a loss. What in the world? Hours upon hours of thought, extra care, time...money etc. With seemingly little impact. A thirty year old who struggles to use the phone appropriately ...or screams the F word repeatedly in her Condo living room (for example) and wonders why she has gotten in trouble with the HOA. So, we set a boundary on the F word. Well, these problems aren’t as concerning as what you experience with J ...but I do recognize that you likely need to go through that arduous task of sorting /teasing out what your adult special needs child can do and can not do while at the same time setting boundaries in areas that he has ability...because otherwise they might not make little strides forward...something positive in an otherwise very painful and seemingly hopeless situation. [/QUOTE]
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