He doesn't get it

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by TerryJ2, Oct 11, 2007.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    The other day, I took difficult child and a friend to a movie, because they had the day off for Columbus Day. They were allowed to play 2 video games in the theater arcade b4, and one afterward. I should have cleaned out his friend's pockets, because while my back was turned, they spent it ALL on more games. Now I know to take everyone's $ upfront, even if it's not my kid.
    Like an idiot, I spent my own $ on popcorn and drinks. I should have told them, no food and drinks ... you spent it all. But I was worried their blood sugar would get low.
    After the movie, not only did they not say thank you, but difficult child, being a difficult child, wanted more video games. "You promised!"
    I told him he broke his promise and that was that.
    He ragged on me all the way through the pkng lot, all the way home... I hate that nagging. Even his friend made a comment about it.
    I was really upset. Nothing like having something fun turn into h*ll.
    So we get home, I send him to his room, let him cool down for a bit, then go to talk to him.
    His big line is, "It's not that big of a deal."
    "You needed to say thank you."
    "It's not a big deal. I don't care."
    "You shouldn't have yelled at me; it's disrespectful."
    "It's not a big deal. I don't care."
    "You're grounded off video games now."
    "It's not a big deal. I don't care."

    Do husband goes upstairs and tries his hand at it. He comes back down and says,
    "He said he thanked you for something already yesterday so he doesn't have to thank you for the movie again today."


    Excuse me while I find a hammer to smash my head with. (Oh, look, here's one ...)

  2. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Terry, I feel for you. been there done that, too many times to count. It really gets under your skin, doesn't it?That sense of entitlement, and the defiance. It's a bad combination.

    This is by no means a medical theory...just my own observations. I have noticed that with a lot of people who have ADHD, they almost need to pick arguments, or to have confrontations. It's almost as though they're seeking the stimulation...the rush of adrenaline etc. that comes when you're in the heat of an argument. I think that the stimulant medications are a medical way of providing the same chemical reaction in the brain.

    I've been surrounded by a lot of people with ADHD for many years, and they all seem to do this.

    I know it doesn't help with your frustration, but just a thought.
    When my difficult child starts to wind me up this way, I try my best to talk in a whisper and walk away quickly. He doesn't get the stimulation or the confrontation, I don't get the stress.

  3. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    According to difficult child's psychiatrist, this is exactly right. The example he gave was a boy with ADHD needs to stimulate the dopamine in his brain, so he stabs a kid with a pencil. The stimulants work on the dopamine so the child doesn't have to find another way.

    I have had many fun outings ruined by that kind of thing. It is always harder for me when a friend is along to say we can't get any popcorn because they spent their money. At least the friend noticed that difficult child's behaviour was over the top with the nagging. Maybe a little peer pressure will help.

    Since you are working on the girlfriend/CF diet, I will add that we don't get the movie popcorn anymore because there is something in it that makes my former difficult child turn back into the real difficult child. She gets candy instead. Just a thought for next time, if you are still doing the diet.
  4. Mrs Smith

    Mrs Smith New Member

    LOL - yes this is my experience too. I watched my father-in-law have a heated confrontation with another hotel guest over claiming pool chairs one time. When he came back to the room, he was all charged up and excited. I pointed out to him that most people avoid confrontation like the plague but he seemed to enjoy it. He just laughed. He's a classic case of ADHD, as is my husband and son. They all share this trait. It makes family gatherings pretty interesting.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like as much as it's a difficult child thing, it's also a spoiled little brat thing. I think that at that age, even with his complications, he's old enough to understand that his ODD/ADHD reactions can be tamed to an extent if he tries. It's not an excuse to act badly whenever he wants, and if anything it's a reason to apologize when he is out of line. Maybe he's got difficult problems, but he needs to hear that you are on the other end of them and you don't have to set yourself up over and over again to have him treat you badly. You need to start hearing thank you, or you will be doing less for him. Even difficult children have hindsight, and can apologize for an earlier transgression or say thank you for an earlier gift. Acting out in the moment is one thing. Not giving in is something else entirely.

    With M, we could talk until we were blue in the face about saying "I'm sorry" for destroying our property, for example. As he got older (14-15) he went with "You know that I have never apologized for anything I have done, and I never will." OK, fine. Maybe that's why we won't bother forgiving you.
  6. nlg319

    nlg319 New Member

    Oh Lord, I have been there so many times with my kids. I have wondered over and over why I do things for them when they turn it into a mightmare and meanwhile, I've spent my last $20.00 trying to be a nice mom and have a little fun with my children....
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... hadn't thought about the stimulation/argumentative angle. That's really interesting.

    One of us ought to do a thesis on that ...

    Still, he nees to learn manners.