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<blockquote data-quote="Feeling Sad" data-source="post: 666211" data-attributes="member: 19245"><p>Pasa, I feel exactly the same way. It took me 9 years... it is not cowardice. It us our physical bodies saying, "Keep us safe from harm. Keep us safe from 24/7 stress that is literally killing us! No more!" Do you know that they have done studies on parents that have mentally ill violent children? There cortisol levels stay high all day. Most people...wake up with low levels each day. Not us! We start high and continue at very high levels that are dangerous to our health ALL day EVERYDAY! My body is falling apart because of stress. Higher levels of cortisol is literally taking away years of our life. We are actually sacrificing our lives for our sons and not just time and money...</p><p></p><p>You need to do something each and every day for you...to relax and nuture you.</p><p></p><p>I found, when I was hiding out in a hotel from my son until I could get a restraining order with a move out order in place that I was so very scared. My logical mind knew that he did not know what hotel I was in...yet my physical body was petrified.</p><p></p><p>I know exactly how you feel..all of the memories and threats come rolling back.</p><p></p><p>One night I was in my hotel room alone all night. My youngest son was staying at a friend's house. He told me....in a very loving way...that I was perseverating too much about my ill son and that he needed a break. I was alone in a new hotel room. I was watching t.v. and got up to use the restroom at about midnight. I glanced in the large mirror...and I saw what looked like my son running towards me!!! I totally freaked out. It was the reflection if the big screened t.v. in the mirror. A tall man with dark hair, like my son...was running to the left. I was hyper - ventilating and I turned on EVERY light in the room until daybreak. I did not go to sleep until the sun came up.</p><p></p><p>I stopped drinking coffee and tried to do fun things for myself. I did not feel like doing it...but I forced myself. Buy yourself a new nightgown, lotion, or purse...shopping therapy! Walk in a park. Try to breathe slowly.</p><p></p><p>Also, I only watched light-hearted comedies or romantic shows on t.v. No murder mysteries for me!!!</p><p></p><p>Surround yourself with friends that know about your son. I have only 2 that know.</p><p></p><p>I called NAMI frequently to talk on the phone to get a calm voice telling me that things were going to work out.</p><p></p><p>The unknown is what kills you. Just know that you did everything right and that it is out of your hands now.</p><p></p><p>Stay safe. Park with other cars. Carry mace. Keep your phone charged. Do not go to your normal "haunts" that he would know about...such as Starbucks etc.....you don't want to run into him.</p><p></p><p>Stay safe...my dear friend. We are warriors and STRONG.</p><p></p><p>My thoughts are always...what would my son...before he was ill want for me? He would want me to be safe. He would not want to hurt me. You don't want him feeling horrible for the rest of his life knowing that he hurt you when he is on medications and better.</p><p></p><p>Stay safe. Our thoughts and prayers....and STRENGTH are with you!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Feeling Sad, post: 666211, member: 19245"] Pasa, I feel exactly the same way. It took me 9 years... it is not cowardice. It us our physical bodies saying, "Keep us safe from harm. Keep us safe from 24/7 stress that is literally killing us! No more!" Do you know that they have done studies on parents that have mentally ill violent children? There cortisol levels stay high all day. Most people...wake up with low levels each day. Not us! We start high and continue at very high levels that are dangerous to our health ALL day EVERYDAY! My body is falling apart because of stress. Higher levels of cortisol is literally taking away years of our life. We are actually sacrificing our lives for our sons and not just time and money... You need to do something each and every day for you...to relax and nuture you. I found, when I was hiding out in a hotel from my son until I could get a restraining order with a move out order in place that I was so very scared. My logical mind knew that he did not know what hotel I was in...yet my physical body was petrified. I know exactly how you feel..all of the memories and threats come rolling back. One night I was in my hotel room alone all night. My youngest son was staying at a friend's house. He told me....in a very loving way...that I was perseverating too much about my ill son and that he needed a break. I was alone in a new hotel room. I was watching t.v. and got up to use the restroom at about midnight. I glanced in the large mirror...and I saw what looked like my son running towards me!!! I totally freaked out. It was the reflection if the big screened t.v. in the mirror. A tall man with dark hair, like my son...was running to the left. I was hyper - ventilating and I turned on EVERY light in the room until daybreak. I did not go to sleep until the sun came up. I stopped drinking coffee and tried to do fun things for myself. I did not feel like doing it...but I forced myself. Buy yourself a new nightgown, lotion, or purse...shopping therapy! Walk in a park. Try to breathe slowly. Also, I only watched light-hearted comedies or romantic shows on t.v. No murder mysteries for me!!! Surround yourself with friends that know about your son. I have only 2 that know. I called NAMI frequently to talk on the phone to get a calm voice telling me that things were going to work out. The unknown is what kills you. Just know that you did everything right and that it is out of your hands now. Stay safe. Park with other cars. Carry mace. Keep your phone charged. Do not go to your normal "haunts" that he would know about...such as Starbucks etc.....you don't want to run into him. Stay safe...my dear friend. We are warriors and STRONG. My thoughts are always...what would my son...before he was ill want for me? He would want me to be safe. He would not want to hurt me. You don't want him feeling horrible for the rest of his life knowing that he hurt you when he is on medications and better. Stay safe. Our thoughts and prayers....and STRENGTH are with you! [/QUOTE]
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