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Healing from Narcissistic Relationship: Very good article
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 675077" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>The things I am remembering and thinking of Cedar, I feel<em> bad, for feeling what I am feeling.</em> BAD. </p><p>Like I am dishonoring my FOO. </p><p>BAD.</p><p>Like I am over dramatizing, projecting things which didn't happen, but deep down, I <em>know they did</em>.</p><p></p><p>It is not molestation, or violence, or anything like that. </p><p>But my soul was violated......</p><p>I could not be myself, I did not have a self........</p><p></p><p>And, I am supposed to "Just get over it, Leafy, you have to get over it....it was the past, get your head out of the past...."</p><p></p><p>So, when I speak with my FOO, interact with them, it has become this rote feeling. A feeling of going through the motions......</p><p></p><p>Why do I have to be the one? Why? </p><p>Why do I have to be the one to NAME this? </p><p></p><p>My brother is messed up Cedar, all he ever yearned for from my Dad was validation, a pat on the back "Good job son, I am proud of you." </p><p>Dad died, never giving that to my poor brother.</p><p>Now he is just <em>lost.</em> He is a great father to his daughters, but his wife only complains of him not being able to emote, just distant. </p><p>So, I see my brother mimicking my father, in his non-relationship with his wife. But, he is terrific with his kids.</p><p>My lil sis, fared much better. She lived the better part of her life, with just my parents, doted on. Did all the right things, went to business college. </p><p></p><p></p><p>My Dad, who we all loved and respected, became this silent <em>enigma.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>It is so weird. </p><p> </p><p>Opening up this book is so weird....</p><p></p><p>Thank you Cedar, I will think about seeing someone again, to try to help me walk through this.</p><p></p><p>My FOO filters everything. I think I have learned to filter things the same way, with them. Put the blinders on. I have to be careful what I share with them.</p><p> It is a weird cross between reality and looking at <em>everything through rose colored glasses. </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I feel as if I am betraying them. I am at war with my memories and the picture that has been painted.</p><p></p><p>I know Attilla is using that against me, now with Mom. </p><p>So, when she calls I <em>speak with the rose colored filter</em>, because I have to. </p><p></p><p>"Yes, the Kings robe is beautiful, oh my, look at the delicate weaving, the bejeweled hem." </p><p></p><p>In my head screaming all the while, HE IS NAKED!!!!! </p><p></p><p>"I am fine, everything is wonderful...."</p><p></p><p>Well, I am not fine, it is not wonderful, I am struggling, dammit! </p><p>My people do not have to struggle with me, just be empathetic, compassionate, understanding.</p><p> </p><p>Empathetic, turned around to <em>pathetic</em>-- Isn't her life <em>PATHETIC?</em> </p><p>I do not want them to feel sorry for me, Cedar.</p><p></p><p>A bit of understanding would do.</p><p></p><p>UGH.</p><p></p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 675077, member: 19522"] The things I am remembering and thinking of Cedar, I feel[I] bad, for feeling what I am feeling.[/I] BAD. Like I am dishonoring my FOO. BAD. Like I am over dramatizing, projecting things which didn't happen, but deep down, I [I]know they did[/I]. It is not molestation, or violence, or anything like that. But my soul was violated...... I could not be myself, I did not have a self........ And, I am supposed to "Just get over it, Leafy, you have to get over it....it was the past, get your head out of the past...." So, when I speak with my FOO, interact with them, it has become this rote feeling. A feeling of going through the motions...... Why do I have to be the one? Why? Why do I have to be the one to NAME this? My brother is messed up Cedar, all he ever yearned for from my Dad was validation, a pat on the back "Good job son, I am proud of you." Dad died, never giving that to my poor brother. Now he is just [I]lost.[/I] He is a great father to his daughters, but his wife only complains of him not being able to emote, just distant. So, I see my brother mimicking my father, in his non-relationship with his wife. But, he is terrific with his kids. My lil sis, fared much better. She lived the better part of her life, with just my parents, doted on. Did all the right things, went to business college. My Dad, who we all loved and respected, became this silent [I]enigma. [/I] It is so weird. [I] [/I] Opening up this book is so weird.... Thank you Cedar, I will think about seeing someone again, to try to help me walk through this. My FOO filters everything. I think I have learned to filter things the same way, with them. Put the blinders on. I have to be careful what I share with them. It is a weird cross between reality and looking at [I]everything through rose colored glasses. [/I] I feel as if I am betraying them. I am at war with my memories and the picture that has been painted. I know Attilla is using that against me, now with Mom. So, when she calls I [I]speak with the rose colored filter[/I], because I have to. "Yes, the Kings robe is beautiful, oh my, look at the delicate weaving, the bejeweled hem." In my head screaming all the while, HE IS NAKED!!!!! "I am fine, everything is wonderful...." Well, I am not fine, it is not wonderful, I am struggling, dammit! My people do not have to struggle with me, just be empathetic, compassionate, understanding. Empathetic, turned around to [I]pathetic[/I]-- Isn't her life [I]PATHETIC?[/I] I do not want them to feel sorry for me, Cedar. A bit of understanding would do. UGH. leafy [I][/I] [/QUOTE]
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Healing from Narcissistic Relationship: Very good article
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