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Heard from Gfg32 after a month of silence
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622539" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It seems to me Strength, that families have repeating events. Generation after generation, the same issues surface. It makes sense that they would, I suppose, in that we are taught to perceive and behave in a certain way and so, all of us do and the situation is never resolved. In a way, I think that is what we work our ways through here, on the site, as we share our stories and our pain and work our ways toward learning how to detach from the guilt and the shame while learning to love ourselves and our children in a different, more honest, more respectful way.</p><p></p><p>That is what I think I see in the changed way I see my own children. I had built up this false persona over the times of failure. Like, to cover that, I invented this perfect martyr, this perfect mother...whose children were jerks.</p><p></p><p>Whose children, in spite of all my wonderfulness, were not treating me very wonderfully, at all. There were so many ways to keep myself in that mindset. I believe it began honestly enough...I think it may have been how I dealt with the rawness, with the repetitive shock of what happened. </p><p></p><p>But somewhere in there, I lost me. Lost my strength and resiliency. Lost me capacity to see badness when it happened. I leapt into denial at the speed of light, and never even knew anything was wrong. I still remember reading MWM's posting about 36 being abusive. Until then? I never got it that my son was the same way, with me!</p><p> </p><p>I never let myself see what was happening, what was real.</p><p></p><p>If we can figure out a way of relating to ourselves honestly, I think we can see a healthier way to think about and to relate to our difficult child kids. On another post, I said something about the kids having been different, even as children. Probably, we were such good moms, such good parents, that we gutted them through it, somehow. But, when they were old enough to leave the house without us, the trouble began.</p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why we feel so protective, allow so much inappropriate behavior from our difficult children. Perhaps, we have nurtured and protected and believed for them in this special way since they were little.</p><p></p><p>I don't know so much about that. I do know I am learning to love my kids (and myself and even husband) in a radically different way. I mean, what I felt before was familiarity. This is blazing, open, honest...pretty joyful stuff, actually.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622539, member: 17461"] It seems to me Strength, that families have repeating events. Generation after generation, the same issues surface. It makes sense that they would, I suppose, in that we are taught to perceive and behave in a certain way and so, all of us do and the situation is never resolved. In a way, I think that is what we work our ways through here, on the site, as we share our stories and our pain and work our ways toward learning how to detach from the guilt and the shame while learning to love ourselves and our children in a different, more honest, more respectful way. That is what I think I see in the changed way I see my own children. I had built up this false persona over the times of failure. Like, to cover that, I invented this perfect martyr, this perfect mother...whose children were jerks. Whose children, in spite of all my wonderfulness, were not treating me very wonderfully, at all. There were so many ways to keep myself in that mindset. I believe it began honestly enough...I think it may have been how I dealt with the rawness, with the repetitive shock of what happened. But somewhere in there, I lost me. Lost my strength and resiliency. Lost me capacity to see badness when it happened. I leapt into denial at the speed of light, and never even knew anything was wrong. I still remember reading MWM's posting about 36 being abusive. Until then? I never got it that my son was the same way, with me! I never let myself see what was happening, what was real. If we can figure out a way of relating to ourselves honestly, I think we can see a healthier way to think about and to relate to our difficult child kids. On another post, I said something about the kids having been different, even as children. Probably, we were such good moms, such good parents, that we gutted them through it, somehow. But, when they were old enough to leave the house without us, the trouble began. Maybe that is why we feel so protective, allow so much inappropriate behavior from our difficult children. Perhaps, we have nurtured and protected and believed for them in this special way since they were little. I don't know so much about that. I do know I am learning to love my kids (and myself and even husband) in a radically different way. I mean, what I felt before was familiarity. This is blazing, open, honest...pretty joyful stuff, actually. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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