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Heart Broken Nightmare
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<blockquote data-quote="JayPee" data-source="post: 750997" data-attributes="member: 23405"><p>Heart Broken,</p><p></p><p>I have taken the advice of these women (and others) on this forum and quite literally over the last three weeks I have made advancements in setting boundaries. I have been of course, going to Al anon and seeing a therapist for almost 2 yrs. which has helped enormously too. The good thing about this forum is that you may read a response from someone and go back and re-read it at a later time and all of a sudden a light bulb goes on. It's sometimes a lot to take in all at once and quite honestly some of us are feeling pretty vulnerable when we first come to this site. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes their advice seemed "harsh" to me but I'm going to tell you this..IT WAS SPOT ON! It's only because I didn't want to hear what they were saying because I didn't think "I" would ever have the courage and strength to do it. I thought that advice probably only worked on them because they were different from me.</p><p></p><p>I have often taken "nuggets" of advice and written them in my "emergency journal" where I can refer to it at any time and any place to gain strength when in the heat of the moment of a struggle. </p><p></p><p>I have two adult sons who are homeless. The 30 yr. old has been a big challenge lately. When I finally listened to the multitude of people who told me that my enabling and my putting myself out there for verbal abuse will only stop when I stop it, is when things changed. I kept doing yet one more thing he demanded of me in his verbally abusive entitled way thinking this was the final thing that was going to help him get back on his feet. I've paid, security deposits, rent, utility bills, food bills ...the list goes on. Did he love me and respect me any more for doing this? In the 30 seconds while I was doing it yeah-maybe, he appreciated it. BUT the minute I couldn't or wouldn't do for him, the verbal knives came out!</p><p></p><p>My final straw recently was a battle over gas money I had given him plenty of. I had purchased a gas station gift card but he used up most of it for food then came calling to me for more. When I flipped out and said NO, he then sent a slurry of e-mails to me (cuz I have him blocked on my phone) telling me that if he ever saw me again and I opened my mouth he'd slap me so hard across the face that I'd never get up. He has never hit me but honestly his anger in this e-mail, for me was "my bottom". He has sent e-mails over the last few weeks which have also been horrible but in comparison to this one are mild and they are tapering off because I don't reply. He doesn't have an audience I suppose.</p><p></p><p>I guess what I'm trying to prepare you for is that setting the boundaries with your daughter are necessary but put a support system in place and be prepared for a lot of lash back. She will not like it one bit. My son has used, fear, guilt, pity, anger, and blatent lies about things that never happened in his childhood. Whatever kind of manipulation to get me to do what he wants me to do. </p><p></p><p>I pray to God every day to continue staying strong and have not replied to any of his e-mails. I have resolved to myself that I may never have a healthy, loving relationship with him or my other son. But I also have realized that he will love me no less when I say no than if I have complied to his wishes. That was an illusion I created for myself, probably something I needed to survive at the time.</p><p></p><p>The other important thing about setting boundaries if they are going to work is that "you" have to start taking care of you. Put yourself first, read, pray, do things that will uplift you, whatever they may be. If you are still in a vulnerable state of being, broken, sad, exhausted etc., you will not be strong enough to stick with your boundaries. I've been there so I know. </p><p></p><p>There is an awesome book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend which address these issues and intertwines Christianity and what God would want for us. It has been one of the tools, that has set me free.</p><p></p><p>I will keep you in my prayers -stay strong!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="JayPee, post: 750997, member: 23405"] Heart Broken, I have taken the advice of these women (and others) on this forum and quite literally over the last three weeks I have made advancements in setting boundaries. I have been of course, going to Al anon and seeing a therapist for almost 2 yrs. which has helped enormously too. The good thing about this forum is that you may read a response from someone and go back and re-read it at a later time and all of a sudden a light bulb goes on. It's sometimes a lot to take in all at once and quite honestly some of us are feeling pretty vulnerable when we first come to this site. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes their advice seemed "harsh" to me but I'm going to tell you this..IT WAS SPOT ON! It's only because I didn't want to hear what they were saying because I didn't think "I" would ever have the courage and strength to do it. I thought that advice probably only worked on them because they were different from me. I have often taken "nuggets" of advice and written them in my "emergency journal" where I can refer to it at any time and any place to gain strength when in the heat of the moment of a struggle. I have two adult sons who are homeless. The 30 yr. old has been a big challenge lately. When I finally listened to the multitude of people who told me that my enabling and my putting myself out there for verbal abuse will only stop when I stop it, is when things changed. I kept doing yet one more thing he demanded of me in his verbally abusive entitled way thinking this was the final thing that was going to help him get back on his feet. I've paid, security deposits, rent, utility bills, food bills ...the list goes on. Did he love me and respect me any more for doing this? In the 30 seconds while I was doing it yeah-maybe, he appreciated it. BUT the minute I couldn't or wouldn't do for him, the verbal knives came out! My final straw recently was a battle over gas money I had given him plenty of. I had purchased a gas station gift card but he used up most of it for food then came calling to me for more. When I flipped out and said NO, he then sent a slurry of e-mails to me (cuz I have him blocked on my phone) telling me that if he ever saw me again and I opened my mouth he'd slap me so hard across the face that I'd never get up. He has never hit me but honestly his anger in this e-mail, for me was "my bottom". He has sent e-mails over the last few weeks which have also been horrible but in comparison to this one are mild and they are tapering off because I don't reply. He doesn't have an audience I suppose. I guess what I'm trying to prepare you for is that setting the boundaries with your daughter are necessary but put a support system in place and be prepared for a lot of lash back. She will not like it one bit. My son has used, fear, guilt, pity, anger, and blatent lies about things that never happened in his childhood. Whatever kind of manipulation to get me to do what he wants me to do. I pray to God every day to continue staying strong and have not replied to any of his e-mails. I have resolved to myself that I may never have a healthy, loving relationship with him or my other son. But I also have realized that he will love me no less when I say no than if I have complied to his wishes. That was an illusion I created for myself, probably something I needed to survive at the time. The other important thing about setting boundaries if they are going to work is that "you" have to start taking care of you. Put yourself first, read, pray, do things that will uplift you, whatever they may be. If you are still in a vulnerable state of being, broken, sad, exhausted etc., you will not be strong enough to stick with your boundaries. I've been there so I know. There is an awesome book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend which address these issues and intertwines Christianity and what God would want for us. It has been one of the tools, that has set me free. I will keep you in my prayers -stay strong! [/QUOTE]
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