Heart Broken Nightmare

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Heart Broken Mom, Aug 23, 2019.

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How to deal with a disrepectul adult child 30yrs old living with you

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  1. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Hello to everyone,

    I'm going through a very difficult time right now, my daughter, who is now 30 yrs old has been living with us for 3yrs now, along with her 2 daughters, (our grandchildren). During this time she has only paid us a 100.00 a month and most of the time I would have to ask her about it and she would become very hostile towards me, she is disrespectful, hostile, belligerent toward me and my husband. We decided it is time to raise the amount to 250.00 starting sept 1st 2019 and she went off on us! Telling us we are rotten, hateful parents, we are not worth her f****** breath, time are energy, we are to blame for everything wrong I her life and she refuses to pay it and she will pay her August rent when she fills like it ( still has not paid us). She completely ignores us, lies to our grandchildren about us. We have given her a 45 days notice that she needs to move, once again more disrespect, hostility and name calling. While my husband and I were on a recent trip she went into our room and went through our belongings and she stole 2 necklaces from me ( she had given them to me as a gift for mother's day). I can not understand her behavior towards us, I'm hurt, confused and don't know what to do anymore, most of all I'm concerned about our granddaughters.

    So sorry this is so long
     
  2. WiseChoices

    WiseChoices Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Your daughter's behavior is consistent with substance abuse . She is verbally abusing you in order to keep her addiction going for as long as she can. You did not mention whether she works.

    I belong to A.A. and Al-Anon and the AAs would tell you that when someone steals from you in YOUR home, they need to leave now. She is behind on rent as it is, is not agreeing to the increase, and is verbally abusive. This is not a situation that you can let go on - it is time to show yourself self respect. You wouldn't accept this from a stranger living in your home.

    The rent is ridiculously low as it is and I suspect it was set low so your daughter can get on her feet .But that has not happened . Instead, her behavior has been enabled and reinforced.
     
  3. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Thank you so much, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me some feed back. You are absolutely right! I have just had a hard time doing what I know I need to do. I will also be going to therapy/counseling because I'm a nervous wreck!

    And yes she does work, part time.
     
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome.

    I think you are doing the right thing giving her notice. She will only rise to the occasion when she is forced to. The reality is that your granddaughters are her children and she (not you) is responsible for them, however this hurts. She will either take responsibility as their mother, or not, and there is not one thing you or anybody else can do.

    Her abuse of you will continue as long as you permit it. And as you no longer permit it, she will step it up. Rest assured, you are doing the correct thing, for everybody concerned. I agree with Wise, she is sealing the deal with her behavior, her unwillingness to accept responsibility, and her retaliation to you.

    As far as her theft of the necklaces, we have seen this before, this "theft" of things that they had given us. This exact thing happened with another set of parents. The adult child had gifted his dad a rifle and some other things, and sure enough he "stole" them back. My own son gave me rent money, left it in a drawer, and then when he came to my house, stole part of it. In their minds, I think what they "give" is theirs.

    This behavior seems to stem from poor boundaries on their part, or a fundamentally skewed way of seeing things: That we (not they) are responsible for them. And they are not even responsible for their behavior. We are. We are the ones who are responsible for their misdeeds around us.

    I want to tell you again that I believe you are doing the correct thing, regardless of how your daughter is responding. In my mind, her response only confirms the correctness of your decisions.

    She has seen your generosity as weakness. And she has responded with entitlement and disrespect. Let her now take responsibility for herself and her children. I believe there is a very good chance that she will rise to the occasion. Her daughters are NOT your children. They are hers. She is showing that your help and support have not helped her. They have hurt her.

    I hope you keep posting here, on your own and others' threads. Believe me. It really does help.
     
  5. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    I can not thank you enough for your reply, I really needed to hear that and I will keep posting and I hope to be of help to others as well.
     
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  6. JayPee

    JayPee Sending good vibes...

    Heart Broken,

    I have taken the advice of these women (and others) on this forum and quite literally over the last three weeks I have made advancements in setting boundaries. I have been of course, going to Al anon and seeing a therapist for almost 2 yrs. which has helped enormously too. The good thing about this forum is that you may read a response from someone and go back and re-read it at a later time and all of a sudden a light bulb goes on. It's sometimes a lot to take in all at once and quite honestly some of us are feeling pretty vulnerable when we first come to this site. Don't take this the wrong way, but sometimes their advice seemed "harsh" to me but I'm going to tell you this..IT WAS SPOT ON! It's only because I didn't want to hear what they were saying because I didn't think "I" would ever have the courage and strength to do it. I thought that advice probably only worked on them because they were different from me.

    I have often taken "nuggets" of advice and written them in my "emergency journal" where I can refer to it at any time and any place to gain strength when in the heat of the moment of a struggle.

    I have two adult sons who are homeless. The 30 yr. old has been a big challenge lately. When I finally listened to the multitude of people who told me that my enabling and my putting myself out there for verbal abuse will only stop when I stop it, is when things changed. I kept doing yet one more thing he demanded of me in his verbally abusive entitled way thinking this was the final thing that was going to help him get back on his feet. I've paid, security deposits, rent, utility bills, food bills ...the list goes on. Did he love me and respect me any more for doing this? In the 30 seconds while I was doing it yeah-maybe, he appreciated it. BUT the minute I couldn't or wouldn't do for him, the verbal knives came out!

    My final straw recently was a battle over gas money I had given him plenty of. I had purchased a gas station gift card but he used up most of it for food then came calling to me for more. When I flipped out and said NO, he then sent a slurry of e-mails to me (cuz I have him blocked on my phone) telling me that if he ever saw me again and I opened my mouth he'd slap me so hard across the face that I'd never get up. He has never hit me but honestly his anger in this e-mail, for me was "my bottom". He has sent e-mails over the last few weeks which have also been horrible but in comparison to this one are mild and they are tapering off because I don't reply. He doesn't have an audience I suppose.

    I guess what I'm trying to prepare you for is that setting the boundaries with your daughter are necessary but put a support system in place and be prepared for a lot of lash back. She will not like it one bit. My son has used, fear, guilt, pity, anger, and blatent lies about things that never happened in his childhood. Whatever kind of manipulation to get me to do what he wants me to do.

    I pray to God every day to continue staying strong and have not replied to any of his e-mails. I have resolved to myself that I may never have a healthy, loving relationship with him or my other son. But I also have realized that he will love me no less when I say no than if I have complied to his wishes. That was an illusion I created for myself, probably something I needed to survive at the time.

    The other important thing about setting boundaries if they are going to work is that "you" have to start taking care of you. Put yourself first, read, pray, do things that will uplift you, whatever they may be. If you are still in a vulnerable state of being, broken, sad, exhausted etc., you will not be strong enough to stick with your boundaries. I've been there so I know.

    There is an awesome book called Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend which address these issues and intertwines Christianity and what God would want for us. It has been one of the tools, that has set me free.

    I will keep you in my prayers -stay strong!
     
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  7. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    $250 a month for rent is a bargain. The theft is troubling. It's also concerning that she doesn't want to pay rent. Is her money tied up in something?
     
  8. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Thank you so much, JayPee! I really needed that! It is so very hard, she is my only daughter and I love her so much. You have given me some great ideas, like journaling things that I can fall back on when needed. I appreciate your wisdom and advise. I'm so very sorry that your sons are treating you that way, I will keep you in prayers as well. Take care.
     
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2019
  9. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Hi Crayola13,

    Yes, it is a bargain! I have an idea of what she does with her money, gym membership, Jujitsu classes, massage membership, shops a lot, order's a lot from on-line , spending over 200.00 at a Nike shop, she also shops for her girls. She recently filed bankruptcy, so no car payment anymore! she gets child support also.
     
  10. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    So, it sounds like we have some expensive hobbies! I was alarmed when you said she was stealing because I thought her money was going to drugs. Sounds like more of a shopping addiction, thank goodness.
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome Heart Broken:

    We all love our kids to the moon and back here. This isn't about not loving them. It's about loving ourselves too.

    Is your granddaughter's father in the picture? Either way her treatment of you and her dad is very abusive and since she will not change, YOU have to change.

    The first step is by coming to this site and getting your story down on paper. Then it becomes real. We all can see that you are a kind and loving mother but your help is not helping your daughter at all.

    You don't say if you suspect drug or alcohol abuse but I do agree that her behavior seems very harsh and typical of either.

    I am not sure if you ever had a good relationship with her but I for one feel she is best out on her own. She needs to work full time and support HER children. You won't live forever so she needs to learn how to be independent. She is a grown woman.

    Keep posting and reading. It will help give you strength. Take what you want and leave the rest. I thought people were harsh at first and that "we" were different but I quickly realized that "we" were like everyone else. Every story is different but their is a ribbon that runs through them all of our adult children mistreating us or themselves and our desire to save them.

    Please see a therapist that can help you set firm boundaries with your daughter. She needs them as much as you do for her own growth!
     
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  12. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Yes, thank goodness! What she has stolen was 2 necklaces that she had given to me as a gift for Mother's Day and she just went into my room and took them. Her hatred for me and her father is unimaginable and I think that is why she did it, she does not want me to have them anymore.
     
  13. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I would bet she is using drugs whether you know it or she hides it.

    Stealing and being abusive is unacceptable. I am finally learning. I don't let my daughter in my house. Many family members will take my grandson, but nobody will house her or her worthless husband.

    If you are concerned about your granddaughters in her care call CPS. Maybe another more stable family member can get legal custody. Contact a family law attorney. Ask about options.

    Kay would steal from us and we never called the police. I feel we encouraged her to do it again by not calling the police.

    To me most of the kids who bring us here should never live with us. They steal, abuse us and some hurt us. These things should never be tolerated. We didn't even tolerate it. Kay is not allowed inside our house ever, even for a visit. Things disappear when she visits. She has threatened violence and I believe she could do it.

    Even if you believe your daughter is clean, go to Al Anon. This is still good help for anyone dealing with impossible loved ones, addict or not. The advice works.

    God bless.
     
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  14. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member


    Thank you so much, RNO441, I really appreciate your input, Father is involved but lives in AZ and she refuses to let them live with their father. You have been so very helpful and if I need to I will contact CPS.
     
  15. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Thank you BusyNMember, I really appreciate you sharing your story with me and your input has been very helpful. If needed, I will contact CPS in a heartbeat!
     
  16. ChickPea

    ChickPea Member

    Totally agree with this.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with it. It is heart-wrenching. Setting boundaries (for me) often feels unnatural, honestly. It's going against your instinct as a parent (or what your heart tells you to do). I think that's because most people don't have to draw some of these heart-wrenching lines. But, it must be done, and it doesn't seem to end, they just morph into a new boundary that needs to be set. At least that's my experience.

    Most of my friends don't have to kick their kids out because they are toxic.
    Most of my friends don't care full-time for their grandchild because their own child can't.
    Most of my friends don't have to hide their purse from their child.
    Most of my friends don't silence their phone because they get too many 2:30 AM phone calls.
    Most of my friends can easily take vacations without worrying about what will happen when I'm gone.

    Not pity-partying, just... it is what life is for us.
     
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  17. Heart Broken Mom

    Heart Broken Mom New Member

    Hi ChickPea,

    I really appreciate your feedback and find it very helpful. You're absolutely right! I do not have any friends or family members going through anything like this! It really makes me wonder where we went wrong as parents, we also have 2 sons and they are nothing like this! I'm so very sorry for what you have been going through, it is absolutely heart breaking and I just want the nightmare to stop.
     
  18. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    You didn't do anything wrong. Its hard for ME to believe what I just told you. But it must be true because I also have two kids who have done everything right and are terrific young adults. Its not like we raised them differently, I don't think.

    I think maybe some people are born with certain personality traits that are harder. Honestly, this is not something I thought about before, but Kay is adopted and from very young her personality was different from the rest of us. Her personality traits make her life more difficult for everyone, especially herself. We (the rest of us) tend to be very good problem solvers, calm and thoughtful, and we think before we act. Kay was born hyperactive, loud, quick to explode and very impulsive. She has not changed.

    I tried hard to close my ears when our therapists told us this. We wanted to think that our good influence and values would override the other stuff. But she has never been like us. And she blasts us with venom for being boring and goody two shoes, just a few of her words for us.

    I don't think we cause our troubled kids to be troubled. I think we just make everything worse when we enable their bad behavior. I don't believe that we caused that behavior in the first place, even though our kids relentlessly tell us its our fault.
     
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  19. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    You might try posting in the parent emeritus forum, as it is usually for adult children. But the best thing about PE forum is the article on detachment. You will find it in the first 4 posts of that forum.

    Read it every day for a week. It will build courage to do the right thing. But in a loving manner.

    Ksm
     
  20. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    You did nothing wrong. No matter your choices in life, she also has choices to make. My father is an alcoholic, has been my entire life. I had a choice, my sister had a choice. We could have easily become alcoholics as well witnessing everything we did growing up. Watching as he used alcohol to cope. We didn’t. That was our choice, our consequences to bare.
    Someone once told me I can not control B, no matter how much I want to. He is his own person. I can encourage, I can put strategies in place, I can model for him the things I want to see. But in the end, it’s his choice. And they’re his consequences to deal with when he makes those choices.

    My children are still young so I cannot add much to your story. I do feel like the emotional abuse she is putting you through is not ok. It’s never ok and I believe you’re doing the right thing. I pray that I have that courage one day (if it ever comes to that) to do what you’re doing.

    I cannot imagine this is easy for you, especially since their are children involved. You can only help someone so much though, they need to be willing to help themselves.

    We are here for you.