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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 338067" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You indicated that your son is remorseful. IN which case - he gets it. The purpose of punishment is to teach, to try to prevent a recurrence of tat behaviour. </p><p></p><p>Now, it seems he knows he did the wrong thing. That's one learning outcome dealt with. Either he knew before anyone told him (in which case he knew not to do this before he did it - but he still did it) and he deliberately chose to do it, or he was unable to stop himself doing it. I vote for the latter. If he knew it was wrong but was unable to stop himself, what more can punishment achieve towards preventing a recurrence? Nothing.</p><p></p><p>Now let's look at consequences. There are always consequences. Newton's Third Law - "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Newton was talking about physics but it applies here too.</p><p>difficult child has done some damage. To the girl, to the bus driver, to his reputation. The reputation - that will take time for people to forget this and see him in a better light. It will take time, and a long period of good behaviour from difficult child. Sounds like a tall order.</p><p></p><p>Reparation - he needs to make restitution in some form. THis will hurt him to do. I would also recommend you get a full story as best you can, so you can help him get this right. But reparation should begin with (and maybe end?) with difficult child writing a letter of apology to whoever he hurt in this. Unconditional apology. None of the "I'm sorry I hit you, but you aggravated me," or "I'm sorry I hurt you but I didn't know what I was doing." Because if you don't know what you were doing, then of what value is your apology? No, he needs to write a straight-up apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for physical attack."</p><p></p><p>That is not punishment, it is restitution. Consider it restoration (in part) of his reputation. It also should be hand-written, in his hand-writing. If he can't spell well, then you can write it out for him to copy. But make sure he "owns" the words. Then he has to deliver these. If he is not permitted to approach these people then find out how far he can take these - their letterbox? Or maybe post them through the mail. Or deliver to a third party (the police, perhaps).</p><p></p><p>I would also find out what has been going on with this girl - kids can be really horrible to one another, and with difficult child 3, the majority of the time he was the victim of bullying and his lashing out was triggered by bullying or teasing. In some cases the school knew of incidents that they simply ignored; I was told about them by independent witnesses. But when difficult child 3 hit the kid(s) who we had been independently told had been hassling him, it was difficult child 3 who was punished and not these other kids. A number of these other kids are now older and serious behaviour problems in our streets here. Luckily our home is not a target, but I hear these same kids' names mentioned by neighbours frustrated over frequent and repeated attacks on their houses. Windows broken, kids attacking, yelling abuse. The same kids.</p><p></p><p>So keep your son close, maybe consider taking him off the bus as an investment in difficult child's safety. And yes, evaluation should come before counselling. But if you can get an evaluation done more affordably, then do so. However, make as much noise as you can, see if the police will help you push the urgency button, and try to get your son properly diagnosed before too much water flows under the bridge.</p><p></p><p>Counselling can't help if they treat medical problems as social problems. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 338067, member: 1991"] You indicated that your son is remorseful. IN which case - he gets it. The purpose of punishment is to teach, to try to prevent a recurrence of tat behaviour. Now, it seems he knows he did the wrong thing. That's one learning outcome dealt with. Either he knew before anyone told him (in which case he knew not to do this before he did it - but he still did it) and he deliberately chose to do it, or he was unable to stop himself doing it. I vote for the latter. If he knew it was wrong but was unable to stop himself, what more can punishment achieve towards preventing a recurrence? Nothing. Now let's look at consequences. There are always consequences. Newton's Third Law - "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Newton was talking about physics but it applies here too. difficult child has done some damage. To the girl, to the bus driver, to his reputation. The reputation - that will take time for people to forget this and see him in a better light. It will take time, and a long period of good behaviour from difficult child. Sounds like a tall order. Reparation - he needs to make restitution in some form. THis will hurt him to do. I would also recommend you get a full story as best you can, so you can help him get this right. But reparation should begin with (and maybe end?) with difficult child writing a letter of apology to whoever he hurt in this. Unconditional apology. None of the "I'm sorry I hit you, but you aggravated me," or "I'm sorry I hurt you but I didn't know what I was doing." Because if you don't know what you were doing, then of what value is your apology? No, he needs to write a straight-up apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you. There is no excuse for physical attack." That is not punishment, it is restitution. Consider it restoration (in part) of his reputation. It also should be hand-written, in his hand-writing. If he can't spell well, then you can write it out for him to copy. But make sure he "owns" the words. Then he has to deliver these. If he is not permitted to approach these people then find out how far he can take these - their letterbox? Or maybe post them through the mail. Or deliver to a third party (the police, perhaps). I would also find out what has been going on with this girl - kids can be really horrible to one another, and with difficult child 3, the majority of the time he was the victim of bullying and his lashing out was triggered by bullying or teasing. In some cases the school knew of incidents that they simply ignored; I was told about them by independent witnesses. But when difficult child 3 hit the kid(s) who we had been independently told had been hassling him, it was difficult child 3 who was punished and not these other kids. A number of these other kids are now older and serious behaviour problems in our streets here. Luckily our home is not a target, but I hear these same kids' names mentioned by neighbours frustrated over frequent and repeated attacks on their houses. Windows broken, kids attacking, yelling abuse. The same kids. So keep your son close, maybe consider taking him off the bus as an investment in difficult child's safety. And yes, evaluation should come before counselling. But if you can get an evaluation done more affordably, then do so. However, make as much noise as you can, see if the police will help you push the urgency button, and try to get your son properly diagnosed before too much water flows under the bridge. Counselling can't help if they treat medical problems as social problems. Marg [/QUOTE]
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