Hello everyone!

Estherfromjerusalem

Well-Known Member
How wonderful that the board is up and running again. I just wanted to say hello to you all, and to let you know that I and all my family are OK.

My son Oriel, who was the reason I originally joined this wonderful site (it must have been about 25 years ago), has been living back here with us for about six years after about eight years in Australia. At first it was really rough with him here, but over several years he has sorted himself out. At first he lived with us for a couple of years. He now is completely independent, he rents a small one-room apartment, he is working supervising the workers on a building site. He recently enrolled to study two afternoons a week in a course run by the Ministry of Employment to get qualifications for doing the work he already does. He earns a decent salary and has a car from his employer. He has a girlfriend.

Our relationship has improved. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to know that I'm not dreaming. All those years ago, I never thought we would reach anything like this. However, it's not all good. He is still very volatile and I have to be so very very careful what I say to him. I'm a bit scared that I will upset the apple-cart!

The rest of my family are all OK. We are at the stage where great grandchildren are coming along. I am so very old!!!

Love, Esther
 
How wonderful that the board is up and running again. I just wanted to say hello to you all, and to let you know that I and all my family are OK.

My son Oriel, who was the reason I originally joined this wonderful site (it must have been about 25 years ago), has been living back here with us for about six years after about eight years in Australia. At first it was really rough with him here, but over several years he has sorted himself out. At first he lived with us for a couple of years. He now is completely independent, he rents a small one-room apartment, he is working supervising the workers on a building site. He recently enrolled to study two afternoons a week in a course run by the Ministry of Employment to get qualifications for doing the work he already does. He earns a decent salary and has a car from his employer. He has a girlfriend.

Our relationship has improved. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to know that I'm not dreaming. All those years ago, I never thought we would reach anything like this. However, it's not all good. He is still very volatile and I have to be so very very careful what I say to him. I'm a bit scared that I will upset the apple-cart!

The rest of my family are all OK. We are at the stage where great grandchildren are coming along. I am so very old!!!

Love, Esther
Esther, This is amazing news for all of us moms that seem so far away from this goal. So happy for you that things settled down and into place for your family and your son is doing better. That’s all any of us can hope and pray for in this world. It helps to hear success and progress stories. Thank you!
 

Sunlight

Active Member
Esther,
What a great outcome for a situation that seemed so difficult! You remember me as Antsmom. My son was 16 when I joined here. He’s now over 40. He’s doing very well. He’s sober, has four kids, is active in his church, and owns his own business. My time here carried me through those difficult days of his substance abuse, running away, oppositional defiant disorder etc etc. Hard to believe how different he is now.

What helped?

Detachment with love helped, making him responsible for his own life choices, being firm with tough love and not enabling. My faith helped me cope, learning boundaries, going to counseling and being able to get supportive help from others on the path ahead of me.

My son was a great challenge from age 13-25 but he eventually grew a brain. The pain of the consequences of his lifestyle taught him.

Esther, be safe! 💕
 
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Sunlight

Active Member
By the way, we old timers all have the same start date of June 4, 2003, even though we all started long before that. We had a major crash of the board which changed us all to the same start date. 😉
 

Sunlight

Active Member
I have saved this bookmark all these years and read it as needed to reinforce myself. It was posted in 2013 by “recovering enabler” and it’s a major lesson to be learned!

Her post:

For some reason this article has disappeared off of my posts so I've posted it in it's entirety here.

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.
 

Estherfromjerusalem

Well-Known Member
Oh my goodness!! Antsmom!!! How wonderful to "see" you again. And I'm so pleased to read about your son. It sounds quite similar to mine, with oppositional defiance disorder, and substance abuse, and all the rest. I remember that our greatest problem from age four and a half to thirteen and a half was the encopresis. And how I at some stage realised that I just had to love him as much as I could, even though things were so complicated. Over the years we have had a complicated relationship because how can a person NOT be damaged emotionally if no one wants to be near him because he simply smells awful. But somehow he and I have remained close, and to this day there is a lot of love being expressed between us. I realise now that I have been his anchor, his "safe place." And amazingly, his relationship with his father, my husband, is not bad now, and even quite good.

I'll have to remember that "Sunlight" is "Antsmom."

Love, Esther
 

Sunlight

Active Member
Oh my goodness!! Antsmom!!! How wonderful to "see" you again. And I'm so pleased to read about your son. It sounds quite similar to mine, with oppositional defiance disorder, and substance abuse, and all the rest. I remember that our greatest problem from age four and a half to thirteen and a half was the encopresis. And how I at some stage realised that I just had to love him as much as I could, even though things were so complicated. Over the years we have had a complicated relationship because how can a person NOT be damaged emotionally if no one wants to be near him because he simply smells awful. But somehow he and I have remained close, and to this day there is a lot of love being expressed between us. I realise now that I have been his anchor, his "safe place." And amazingly, his relationship with his father, my husband, is not bad now, and even quite good.

I'll have to remember that "Sunlight" is "Antsmom."

Love, Esther
Esther, Do you still communicate with Allen-Matlem? If so tell him hi for me. His daughters must’ve made him a grandad by now.
 
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