Hi and welcome to our corner of the world. There are many here who will be able to share with you similar situations, sadly. I think JJJ is on to something because as I read your post, you are STILL being abused by this man. He is emotionally abusing you and using the biggest weapon ever, the love of your children, against you. Just my opinion, so if it is not comfortable to you I understand. I just always feel better when I can be around or talk to people who really understand, and sadly there are a lot of ex's who put their kids in this awful in between position and continue to abuse even after the relationship has ended.
Anyway, regarding your kids. It has to be very confusing to be in the middle like that. I am sure they love you both and right now they are not dealing well with this. Ex. is likely going to be the worst for it in the end when the dust settles and they mature to a place where they see what he did to them...putting a wedge between you and your children. How painful to go through all of this in the mean time. It is heart breaking and I am truly sorry for you.
I have a fifteen year old who is on the spectrum and his behaviors are very hard to deal with as well. He calls me names and rages against me, hitting and kicking....it is hard in those moments to feel motherly love for sure. As for your son, even if those games are not his, he is responsible and if they disappeared, I suspect his friends would not loan them to him anymore??? Just a thought. He broke the rules, he would have to figure out a way to pay them back. Can you get rid of the gaming system itself? I dont have one in my house. You wont be able to control what he does out of your home but you could do that.
If he is bullying your younger kids is there any support you can get for him? Has he been evaluated to see if he really does have Asperger's? What other symptoms does he have. Does he take medicine at all? Some kids benefit from medications, others do not. Most, even on medications need some kind of accommodations/therapies etc. to help learn how to do better socially and inter-personally. The high obsessions can be a good thing unless they trigger violence as it seems yours might (we have some of that with my son wanting to copy hockey fights--so he had to stop watching all hockey videos too, ugg it is hard to do that because there are such power struggles until he settles in). Kids with Asperger's often need a really different kind of parenting approach (as do many of our differently wired kids). Typical strategies can increase overall stress and behaviors and get us stuck in power struggle after power struggle. It is exhausting.
Have you ever read "the Explosive Child" by Ross Greene? It gives another way to look at parenting and discipline. For me it really does make a difference. Of course there are still issues, nothing is a miracle, but this kind of parenting helped reduce stress in our home immensely.
Glad you found us, and I agree sometimes just having a place to say what is going on can be a huge relief. So keep on checking in and venting as much as you need to. you have a lot on your plate!
HUGS, Dee
