Your ex sounds like mine. This is what I have had to do to keep my sanity. We (difficult child 1 and I) do not talk about x. I leave that up to the therapists. After x realized that he could fill difficult child 1's head with all sorts of ugly but it wasn't getting back to me he stopped. You see, he wasn't trying to change difficult child 1's mind. He was trying to hurt me. Of course things still come out about x and when they do we talk about them. The difference is that now it's things difficult child 1 wants to talk about. Its not the fantasy that x was trying to put in his head. After difficult child 1 turns 18 I expect a lot more will come out because then I'll be able to talk about it. Right now I can't tell difficult child 1 what the marriage was really like because of the weird courts here in the USA/Utah. Still, for my own sanity, it will have to be at pre-set times. I can't just randomly talk about what x did to me. I start shaking.
Also, I have very rarely said anything bad about x to difficult child 1. I knew that difficult child 1 would figure out what x was like by himself. And, I was right.
For your 15 year old, what testing is available in England? Here I'd take him to a neuropsychologist or developmental pediatrician for some extensive testing. Dee had a very good suggestion about the book the Explosive Child.
Good luck. I'm glad you have found us, but sorry you are going through so much.
