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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 345275" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We went through this with difficult child 1 first, when he went on Disability at 16, and then told people at school. It's not something to brag about, and I think some kids really found it confronting.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 did it to me last week, at his drama class. He & I were joshing around (I tend to tease him a bit, gently, to encourage him to learn a bit of conversational banter). Now, the other people at drama do understand, because all the kids are difficult children and the parents all sit and chat while the kids are in class, so we all know one another well. But difficult child 3 was mock-angry with me for something I said (it might have been, "Go put your ugly mug and the rest of you in the car...") and was trying to joke back with something like, "If you're not careful, I'll rearrange your face so you won't be able to call me ugly..." but instead he got very inappropriate and said something like, "If you call me that again, you'll have more than just cancer to worry about..." which was NOT a healthy way to tell the other kids at drama class that I have cancer.</p><p></p><p>[I know a lot of this banter sounds really bizarre - this is peculiarly Australian, this way of gently slanging off at one another. It takes skills which Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids don't have but need to learn, at least as a spectator sport, if not as participants.]</p><p></p><p>So difficult child 3 happened to have just announced very indiscreetly, that I have breast cancer. It really upset a few of the kids, because we're all good friends. while I was OK with them knowing (and difficult child 3 knew I was OK with it), I had to explain to him afterwards, that the only person allowed to make jokes about the cancer, is the person who has it. And that any humour in our banter got totally blown away by him using the news that way.</p><p></p><p>I wasn't angry with him, I was just using the situation as a teaching tool. Sometimes it feels freaky to need to teach your child this sort of stuff, but underneath it all, you discover that in there, you have a wonderful human being (for all his/her faults) who tends to be more loving, more forgiving, more honest and more loyal than the average person around.</p><p></p><p>See what she thinks about face blindness. We found with easy child 2/difficult child 2, she had no idea she had partial face blindness, she just thought everybody was like this. But with difficult child 3, he could never understand how other people could be more certain of who was who, when he had trouble. There would be problems at school with various kids hassling him, and difficult child 3 was often not sure who it was he was having trouble with. The bullies used to capitalise on this (a few of them tried it with me, tried to pretend I had mistaken their identity) and generally, because difficult child 3 could never name his bullies for certain, they generally got away with tormenting him.</p><p></p><p>What easy child 2/difficult child 2 has learned as a coping skill as a "checkout chick" - she talks to customers, chats to them about recipes or other things and generally finds something about their appearance (usually what they're wearing) to compliment them on. That way she can link their conversation to what she said, to what they bought. So if a customer forgot a bag of shopping (which does happen) she would be able to recognise them in some way, when they came back for it. But instead of "lady with blue eyes and kind smile" it would be in her mind, "lady with green blouse and cameo brooch".</p><p></p><p>The other thing with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - she says she has to force herself to make eye contact with customers. She actively works on her social skills.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 said, when he was 8, "I'm getting better at pretending to be normal."</p><p></p><p>That's important to remember - they always feel like outsiders, always trying to act normal, trying to modify their behaviour in order to blend in. They don't necessarily mind being different, they often accept that this is how they are.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1's best friend from school is Aspie. The young man had a horrible time of it with teachers, most of whom were scared of him because he's big, stony-faced and sometimes did crazy things like pouring lighter fluid over his hand and setting fire to it. When whispers got around the school that Aspie friend had brought a gun to school, nobody checked whether it was true, they just told him to drop out. "Don't come back next year," he was told, with no explanation. He never told his mother why, he just told her he wasn't going back. because he was old enough, he was able to walk away from school without truant officers getting involved. Of course, he had not brought a gun to school. </p><p>Aspie friend was best man at difficult child 1's wedding. This meant he had to give a speech - it was scary for him, he ended up recruiting the other groomsman to help him.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 1 & Aspie friend would go for long walks and talk to one another. Aspie mate would obsess to difficult child 1 about reptiles (his passion) while difficult child 1 would obsess back about birds.</p><p>"We each obsess about our favourite topics and neither of us listens to the other, but we're happy," difficult child 1 explained to me.</p><p>Aspie mate is also now engaged to be married - fiancee is very difficult child herself, but very much a mothering figure too.</p><p></p><p>Alttlgabby, be careful you don't set her up for failure. Of course she is motivated to try to overcome impulsivity, but first, that is not specific enough, and it is also something her brain is not yet mature enough (in terms of development and capability) to be able to really control. So help her set smaller and more achievable goals. Also help her put in place some management strategies. For example, difficult child 1 does a lot better if he works from a written list. If he's calmer, he can function better. If he gets anxious or stressed, his impulse control suffers badly.</p><p></p><p>When they act out of impulse, it is not the same as a kid being disobedient. You need to be aware of this distinction. If the kid falls down on the task, just give her a hug and say, "You tried. YOu've got this far, that is good. Let's pick up and keep going."</p><p>If you are in a position to support her to calm down when she needs to, and she succeeds in regaining control, congratulate her on this.</p><p></p><p>And always - if you're saying something positive to her, keep it unconditional. Try to keep information bits (and instructions) as simple as possible. One bit at a time.</p><p></p><p>Take notes. Keep a good diary on her and how she is going. It helps you keep track on her progress.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 345275, member: 1991"] We went through this with difficult child 1 first, when he went on Disability at 16, and then told people at school. It's not something to brag about, and I think some kids really found it confronting. difficult child 3 did it to me last week, at his drama class. He & I were joshing around (I tend to tease him a bit, gently, to encourage him to learn a bit of conversational banter). Now, the other people at drama do understand, because all the kids are difficult children and the parents all sit and chat while the kids are in class, so we all know one another well. But difficult child 3 was mock-angry with me for something I said (it might have been, "Go put your ugly mug and the rest of you in the car...") and was trying to joke back with something like, "If you're not careful, I'll rearrange your face so you won't be able to call me ugly..." but instead he got very inappropriate and said something like, "If you call me that again, you'll have more than just cancer to worry about..." which was NOT a healthy way to tell the other kids at drama class that I have cancer. [I know a lot of this banter sounds really bizarre - this is peculiarly Australian, this way of gently slanging off at one another. It takes skills which Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids don't have but need to learn, at least as a spectator sport, if not as participants.] So difficult child 3 happened to have just announced very indiscreetly, that I have breast cancer. It really upset a few of the kids, because we're all good friends. while I was OK with them knowing (and difficult child 3 knew I was OK with it), I had to explain to him afterwards, that the only person allowed to make jokes about the cancer, is the person who has it. And that any humour in our banter got totally blown away by him using the news that way. I wasn't angry with him, I was just using the situation as a teaching tool. Sometimes it feels freaky to need to teach your child this sort of stuff, but underneath it all, you discover that in there, you have a wonderful human being (for all his/her faults) who tends to be more loving, more forgiving, more honest and more loyal than the average person around. See what she thinks about face blindness. We found with easy child 2/difficult child 2, she had no idea she had partial face blindness, she just thought everybody was like this. But with difficult child 3, he could never understand how other people could be more certain of who was who, when he had trouble. There would be problems at school with various kids hassling him, and difficult child 3 was often not sure who it was he was having trouble with. The bullies used to capitalise on this (a few of them tried it with me, tried to pretend I had mistaken their identity) and generally, because difficult child 3 could never name his bullies for certain, they generally got away with tormenting him. What easy child 2/difficult child 2 has learned as a coping skill as a "checkout chick" - she talks to customers, chats to them about recipes or other things and generally finds something about their appearance (usually what they're wearing) to compliment them on. That way she can link their conversation to what she said, to what they bought. So if a customer forgot a bag of shopping (which does happen) she would be able to recognise them in some way, when they came back for it. But instead of "lady with blue eyes and kind smile" it would be in her mind, "lady with green blouse and cameo brooch". The other thing with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - she says she has to force herself to make eye contact with customers. She actively works on her social skills. difficult child 3 said, when he was 8, "I'm getting better at pretending to be normal." That's important to remember - they always feel like outsiders, always trying to act normal, trying to modify their behaviour in order to blend in. They don't necessarily mind being different, they often accept that this is how they are. difficult child 1's best friend from school is Aspie. The young man had a horrible time of it with teachers, most of whom were scared of him because he's big, stony-faced and sometimes did crazy things like pouring lighter fluid over his hand and setting fire to it. When whispers got around the school that Aspie friend had brought a gun to school, nobody checked whether it was true, they just told him to drop out. "Don't come back next year," he was told, with no explanation. He never told his mother why, he just told her he wasn't going back. because he was old enough, he was able to walk away from school without truant officers getting involved. Of course, he had not brought a gun to school. Aspie friend was best man at difficult child 1's wedding. This meant he had to give a speech - it was scary for him, he ended up recruiting the other groomsman to help him. difficult child 1 & Aspie friend would go for long walks and talk to one another. Aspie mate would obsess to difficult child 1 about reptiles (his passion) while difficult child 1 would obsess back about birds. "We each obsess about our favourite topics and neither of us listens to the other, but we're happy," difficult child 1 explained to me. Aspie mate is also now engaged to be married - fiancee is very difficult child herself, but very much a mothering figure too. Alttlgabby, be careful you don't set her up for failure. Of course she is motivated to try to overcome impulsivity, but first, that is not specific enough, and it is also something her brain is not yet mature enough (in terms of development and capability) to be able to really control. So help her set smaller and more achievable goals. Also help her put in place some management strategies. For example, difficult child 1 does a lot better if he works from a written list. If he's calmer, he can function better. If he gets anxious or stressed, his impulse control suffers badly. When they act out of impulse, it is not the same as a kid being disobedient. You need to be aware of this distinction. If the kid falls down on the task, just give her a hug and say, "You tried. YOu've got this far, that is good. Let's pick up and keep going." If you are in a position to support her to calm down when she needs to, and she succeeds in regaining control, congratulate her on this. And always - if you're saying something positive to her, keep it unconditional. Try to keep information bits (and instructions) as simple as possible. One bit at a time. Take notes. Keep a good diary on her and how she is going. It helps you keep track on her progress. Marg [/QUOTE]
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