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Hello to all -- Introduction
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 641949" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. A warning.</p><p></p><p>You have earned a happy life from here on out. If this were me (and I know it's not) I would not let grown son, who refuses to help himself or get a job and who uses drugs, ruin my marriage. My take on it is he knows what to do that is RIGHT and is choosing not to get help, not to quit drugs, and not to try to get better by living life. I have many mental health issues too and going home, laying around, and refusing help never crossed my mind. Everything he is doing is his choice. I felt suicidal at times too, but I pushed myself and got past it or sought different types of help and I'm doing well now. This is his own battle. However, I am guessing a huge part of it is his substance abuse. I didn't use substances.</p><p></p><p>Since your son won't help himself, he probably won't get better. You have a new hubby and a sweet daughter. Don't neglect any of them for your son. That's my advice, at least. Don't live in chaos if you find yourself doing so. I personally think it's ridiculous to pay for his own apartment, although it is painful for him to become homeless. Try making him apply for Disability (after all, your house/your rules). That way he can get Section 8 housing. That's one step you can take. Another is to insist he work at least part time and get mental health help and comply with the doctor or else he has three months to find a place to stay and put the onus on him. That way, he has a choice. He can stay, if he follows your rules in your castle.</p><p></p><p>I'd say the vast majority of our adult kids have personality disorders which looks like bipolar because of the emotional ups and downs and many do have bipolar with it, but what most of us (maybe not you) are dealing with is borderline, narcissism and in some cases even antisocial personality disorder. Without extreme intervention and hard work on their parts, personality disordered people don't get better and usually they won't even admit they have a problem. They are nearly impossible to live with and keeping them happy requires us to support them as if they were little kids rather then men and women. Example: Bet you were paying for that cell phone that he broke, as if he were a two year old having a tantrum. He isn't working or in college...why pay for a cell phone? Are you funding his driving escapades? Does he have any responsibility at all? Is he coming between you and your husband? Is he taking precious time away from you and your daughter who is living the right way?</p><p></p><p>Your son knows right from wrong. You taught him that. His choices are his own. Nobody can live his life for him and you can't save another person, even your own grown child. This is all just food for thought. You do not have to answer here. It is for your own thinking. Although we can't change another person, we can change how we react to that person or the boundaries we set, if we don't like the way things are going. We do have THAT power.</p><p></p><p>Have you ever gone to a Twelve Step meeting for loved ones of substance abusers, like Al-Anon? I will humbly recommend you be good to YOU and get help for YOU. YOU matter as much as him. YOU need to take care of yourself and get some help in coping with this overgrown Peter Pan. (Most of them are Peter Pans).</p><p></p><p>I am sorry you felt the need to post, but very happy you found us. Try to have a peaceful night and count your blessings...and don't neglect those blessings either <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 641949, member: 1550"] Hi there. A warning. You have earned a happy life from here on out. If this were me (and I know it's not) I would not let grown son, who refuses to help himself or get a job and who uses drugs, ruin my marriage. My take on it is he knows what to do that is RIGHT and is choosing not to get help, not to quit drugs, and not to try to get better by living life. I have many mental health issues too and going home, laying around, and refusing help never crossed my mind. Everything he is doing is his choice. I felt suicidal at times too, but I pushed myself and got past it or sought different types of help and I'm doing well now. This is his own battle. However, I am guessing a huge part of it is his substance abuse. I didn't use substances. Since your son won't help himself, he probably won't get better. You have a new hubby and a sweet daughter. Don't neglect any of them for your son. That's my advice, at least. Don't live in chaos if you find yourself doing so. I personally think it's ridiculous to pay for his own apartment, although it is painful for him to become homeless. Try making him apply for Disability (after all, your house/your rules). That way he can get Section 8 housing. That's one step you can take. Another is to insist he work at least part time and get mental health help and comply with the doctor or else he has three months to find a place to stay and put the onus on him. That way, he has a choice. He can stay, if he follows your rules in your castle. I'd say the vast majority of our adult kids have personality disorders which looks like bipolar because of the emotional ups and downs and many do have bipolar with it, but what most of us (maybe not you) are dealing with is borderline, narcissism and in some cases even antisocial personality disorder. Without extreme intervention and hard work on their parts, personality disordered people don't get better and usually they won't even admit they have a problem. They are nearly impossible to live with and keeping them happy requires us to support them as if they were little kids rather then men and women. Example: Bet you were paying for that cell phone that he broke, as if he were a two year old having a tantrum. He isn't working or in college...why pay for a cell phone? Are you funding his driving escapades? Does he have any responsibility at all? Is he coming between you and your husband? Is he taking precious time away from you and your daughter who is living the right way? Your son knows right from wrong. You taught him that. His choices are his own. Nobody can live his life for him and you can't save another person, even your own grown child. This is all just food for thought. You do not have to answer here. It is for your own thinking. Although we can't change another person, we can change how we react to that person or the boundaries we set, if we don't like the way things are going. We do have THAT power. Have you ever gone to a Twelve Step meeting for loved ones of substance abusers, like Al-Anon? I will humbly recommend you be good to YOU and get help for YOU. YOU matter as much as him. YOU need to take care of yourself and get some help in coping with this overgrown Peter Pan. (Most of them are Peter Pans). I am sorry you felt the need to post, but very happy you found us. Try to have a peaceful night and count your blessings...and don't neglect those blessings either ;) [/QUOTE]
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