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Hello to all -- Introduction
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 641977" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi sleepymom and welcome. </p><p></p><p>Your story has many similarities to my story with my difficult child. </p><p></p><p>He was hard even as a baby (colic and formula intolerance) and then as a little boy he was precociously cute (red hair and freckles, smiled all the time), toed the line in elementary school, except was a Mama's boy and shy and didn't like new situations then in middle school started getting into trouble with grades, not doing homework, "just holding" a classmate's ipod, etc. In high school he played soccer for four years and really wanted to do it, so toed the line again. In college, first semester, completely flunked out and lost his lottery scholarship. It really went downhill from there (you can read my signature). The past five years have been a living H___. He is now 25.</p><p></p><p>A few thoughts:</p><p></p><p>1. People are still responsible for their behavior even though they are mentally ill. </p><p></p><p>I first heard that thought at my therapist's office during an appointment. She was referring to my husband (now ex) who had depression, anxiety and alcoholism. Three mental illnesses. I was continuing to make excuses, feel guilty, modify my behavior drastically because I thought it was not fair of me not to do that---because after all, he was sick. She set me straight right quick. She said people always have choices and they are responsible for their choices. Now maybe she and you and I would make an exception for somebody who has completely lost touch with reality and never "comes back" into the here and now, but that's not your son. And it's not my son.</p><p></p><p>2. You can't fix him or rescue him or make him all better or protect him from real life. He's a full grown adult in the eyes of society. He will have all of the rights and responsibilities thereof. Whether he's ready for them or not. </p><p></p><p>3. If people won't help themselves, they will stay the same or get worse. </p><p></p><p>Today, my son has been out of jail for six months and is now living in an apartment (since the end of October) and is working two jobs. That is progress for him and I celebrate that. on the other hand, he broke his hand last week hitting a wall because he was mad at his girlfriend, who is now pregnant (as she told me in a FB message Saturday night). </p><p></p><p>My son insists he doesn't need the help that comes with a true recovery program. As long as he does not have a "day of reckoning" with himself, which by that I mean getting honest and humble, and getting help and actively using the help on an ongoing basis, I believe his life will continue to be filled with chaos. </p><p></p><p>4. Like someone here said so memorably: Not my monkey. Not my circus. That phrase has been echoing in my brain for the past three or four days. I believe at some point we have to let them go. We have to release them to the Universe, to a Higher Power, to the world. We can't be their Mommy anymore. Not really for us, because as mothers, we will give beyond sanity. For them. It doesn't work. It really doesnt, and you already know that, and so do I.</p><p></p><p>5. We have to accept what is. We have to work on ourselves relentlessly, we have to have that "day of reckoning" with ourselves, getting honest and humble and getting help and actively using that help on an ongoing basis. Otherwise, our lives will be filled with chaos because we love a mentally ill person and we believe our love (surely it will) will save them. But it won't.</p><p></p><p>I know how hard your path is right now. By your post you have tried it all. You now are dealing with it full time in your face and you see no way out. </p><p></p><p>Here is my best thought for you: When you believe you can, give him a deadline to move out. Make it reasonable. When the day comes, stick to it, even if it means he is standing on the front porch with a suitcase and has to start walking down the street.</p><p></p><p>I have done that, and it requires a huge cost. I cried the entire time as I watched him walk up the street but I didn't go out and call after him. I was past done. </p><p></p><p>I love my son, and I know you love yours. The only person we can save is ourselves in this life. Warm hugs to you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 641977, member: 17542"] Hi sleepymom and welcome. Your story has many similarities to my story with my difficult child. He was hard even as a baby (colic and formula intolerance) and then as a little boy he was precociously cute (red hair and freckles, smiled all the time), toed the line in elementary school, except was a Mama's boy and shy and didn't like new situations then in middle school started getting into trouble with grades, not doing homework, "just holding" a classmate's ipod, etc. In high school he played soccer for four years and really wanted to do it, so toed the line again. In college, first semester, completely flunked out and lost his lottery scholarship. It really went downhill from there (you can read my signature). The past five years have been a living H___. He is now 25. A few thoughts: 1. People are still responsible for their behavior even though they are mentally ill. I first heard that thought at my therapist's office during an appointment. She was referring to my husband (now ex) who had depression, anxiety and alcoholism. Three mental illnesses. I was continuing to make excuses, feel guilty, modify my behavior drastically because I thought it was not fair of me not to do that---because after all, he was sick. She set me straight right quick. She said people always have choices and they are responsible for their choices. Now maybe she and you and I would make an exception for somebody who has completely lost touch with reality and never "comes back" into the here and now, but that's not your son. And it's not my son. 2. You can't fix him or rescue him or make him all better or protect him from real life. He's a full grown adult in the eyes of society. He will have all of the rights and responsibilities thereof. Whether he's ready for them or not. 3. If people won't help themselves, they will stay the same or get worse. Today, my son has been out of jail for six months and is now living in an apartment (since the end of October) and is working two jobs. That is progress for him and I celebrate that. on the other hand, he broke his hand last week hitting a wall because he was mad at his girlfriend, who is now pregnant (as she told me in a FB message Saturday night). My son insists he doesn't need the help that comes with a true recovery program. As long as he does not have a "day of reckoning" with himself, which by that I mean getting honest and humble, and getting help and actively using the help on an ongoing basis, I believe his life will continue to be filled with chaos. 4. Like someone here said so memorably: Not my monkey. Not my circus. That phrase has been echoing in my brain for the past three or four days. I believe at some point we have to let them go. We have to release them to the Universe, to a Higher Power, to the world. We can't be their Mommy anymore. Not really for us, because as mothers, we will give beyond sanity. For them. It doesn't work. It really doesnt, and you already know that, and so do I. 5. We have to accept what is. We have to work on ourselves relentlessly, we have to have that "day of reckoning" with ourselves, getting honest and humble and getting help and actively using that help on an ongoing basis. Otherwise, our lives will be filled with chaos because we love a mentally ill person and we believe our love (surely it will) will save them. But it won't. I know how hard your path is right now. By your post you have tried it all. You now are dealing with it full time in your face and you see no way out. Here is my best thought for you: When you believe you can, give him a deadline to move out. Make it reasonable. When the day comes, stick to it, even if it means he is standing on the front porch with a suitcase and has to start walking down the street. I have done that, and it requires a huge cost. I cried the entire time as I watched him walk up the street but I didn't go out and call after him. I was past done. I love my son, and I know you love yours. The only person we can save is ourselves in this life. Warm hugs to you. [/QUOTE]
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