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Hello to all -- Introduction
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<blockquote data-quote="Hope_Floats" data-source="post: 642483" data-attributes="member: 18310"><p>You're quite welcome. After spending years of going from crisis to crisis, always waiting for the next one and always wondering what the hell was wrong with him (it always seemed more complicated than simple depression or a drug addiction), I wish I had found that information sooner.</p><p></p><p>I have another couple of books that I will recommend to you, that have completely changed the way I perceive the interactions that we have, and helped me learn to be more validating so that I don't feed the meltdown flames. They ALSO helped me to more fully realize how "helping" too much was actually enabling him to stay unwell, and that if I didn't change something, I would be one of those 80 year old women who take care of their 60 year old useless sons. And that by doing things for him that he should be doing himself that I was actually reinforcing his self-defeating idea that he was incapable (I think that, based on prior history, I really did believe that he was not capable - but he WAS). I found different ways of structuring the conversations so that he was able to come up with his own solutions and be given responsibility to follow-through on them (or suffer the natural consequences of not doing so).</p><p></p><p>Another thing that helped me was that for about six months I took advantage of my company's EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that offered, in addition to the normal 6 free annual counseling visits, an unlimited number of phone consultations. I had a counselor that I had twice weekly, and then weekly calls with on the phone, so I could talk in the evenings away from work, who held me accountable for taking care of MYSELF and for not enabling HIM. That was helpful because, for a while there, any time someone who knew me well asked how I was doing, the answer would depend on how HE was doing. A good day for him with no meltdowns or crises, was a good day for me. A bad day for him, in which his latest crisis had become MY emergency, was a bad day for me. I had to STOP that. It was driving me crazy, and straining my relationship with my SO because he was SOOO tired of my only talking about whatever was going on with difficult child that day, and SOOO tired of having to work around whether I could or couldn't be available for him instead of difficult child.</p><p></p><p>Here are the two books. They are available as kindle versions as well, if you'd rather download them and have instant access. <u>Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship</u> by Shari Manning, PhD and <u>The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with Borderline (BPD)</u> by Alexander Chapman, Phd and Kim Gratz, PhD There's another popular one called Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I haven't read it. I sincerely hope that this helps. I started highlighting the texts that resonated with me, explained things to me, and that I thought would be helpful, but then I found that I was just coloring the whole book, lol!!!</p><p></p><p>On another note, the marijuana issue is such a difficult one to deal with as well, because they THINK it helps them. They THINK it helps them calm down and numb some of the out of control emotion that they feel. The problem is, that is very deceptive because in the long run, the marijuana actually makes it WORSE. It actually CAUSES depression and anxiety symptoms, and can trigger other psychiatric problems as well, such as schizophrenia, especially in young males. AND, as you've probably seen mentioned here many times, it is a MAJOR de-motivator. They more they smoke, the more they just want to lay around and smoke. Making something legal doesn't make it good for you. Just ask any recovering (or non-recovering, for that matter) alcoholic or their family members.</p><p></p><p>May I gently ask, if he's still smoking weed, and not working, where is he getting the money from to buy it?</p><p></p><p>Many hugs. We're here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hope_Floats, post: 642483, member: 18310"] You're quite welcome. After spending years of going from crisis to crisis, always waiting for the next one and always wondering what the hell was wrong with him (it always seemed more complicated than simple depression or a drug addiction), I wish I had found that information sooner. I have another couple of books that I will recommend to you, that have completely changed the way I perceive the interactions that we have, and helped me learn to be more validating so that I don't feed the meltdown flames. They ALSO helped me to more fully realize how "helping" too much was actually enabling him to stay unwell, and that if I didn't change something, I would be one of those 80 year old women who take care of their 60 year old useless sons. And that by doing things for him that he should be doing himself that I was actually reinforcing his self-defeating idea that he was incapable (I think that, based on prior history, I really did believe that he was not capable - but he WAS). I found different ways of structuring the conversations so that he was able to come up with his own solutions and be given responsibility to follow-through on them (or suffer the natural consequences of not doing so). Another thing that helped me was that for about six months I took advantage of my company's EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that offered, in addition to the normal 6 free annual counseling visits, an unlimited number of phone consultations. I had a counselor that I had twice weekly, and then weekly calls with on the phone, so I could talk in the evenings away from work, who held me accountable for taking care of MYSELF and for not enabling HIM. That was helpful because, for a while there, any time someone who knew me well asked how I was doing, the answer would depend on how HE was doing. A good day for him with no meltdowns or crises, was a good day for me. A bad day for him, in which his latest crisis had become MY emergency, was a bad day for me. I had to STOP that. It was driving me crazy, and straining my relationship with my SO because he was SOOO tired of my only talking about whatever was going on with difficult child that day, and SOOO tired of having to work around whether I could or couldn't be available for him instead of difficult child. Here are the two books. They are available as kindle versions as well, if you'd rather download them and have instant access. [U]Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship[/U] by Shari Manning, PhD and [U]The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide: Everything You Need to Know About Living with Borderline (BPD)[/U] by Alexander Chapman, Phd and Kim Gratz, PhD There's another popular one called Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I haven't read it. I sincerely hope that this helps. I started highlighting the texts that resonated with me, explained things to me, and that I thought would be helpful, but then I found that I was just coloring the whole book, lol!!! On another note, the marijuana issue is such a difficult one to deal with as well, because they THINK it helps them. They THINK it helps them calm down and numb some of the out of control emotion that they feel. The problem is, that is very deceptive because in the long run, the marijuana actually makes it WORSE. It actually CAUSES depression and anxiety symptoms, and can trigger other psychiatric problems as well, such as schizophrenia, especially in young males. AND, as you've probably seen mentioned here many times, it is a MAJOR de-motivator. They more they smoke, the more they just want to lay around and smoke. Making something legal doesn't make it good for you. Just ask any recovering (or non-recovering, for that matter) alcoholic or their family members. May I gently ask, if he's still smoking weed, and not working, where is he getting the money from to buy it? Many hugs. We're here. [/QUOTE]
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