Help...need some ideas!

[beachbeanb]

Hey everybody

I need some ideas! We now know that we need to get difficult child out of our current environment and onto a TBS. He is on the waiting list and it will be up to 2 months. I am almost positive he has drugs in his backpack at school today and found evidence that he has taken alcohol to school in the past and drank it with other kids.

Any ideas on how to set up his room and routine so we can do our best to avoid him being able to do this going forward? I will take his backpack today and keep it everyday so he can't store stuff there. I will strip his room, lock the rest of the unused rooms. But short of frisking him everyday, which I may have to do, am I not thinking of another good way? Should I tell school officials?

Any ideas on how to give this our best shot would be greatly appreciated!

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Do you give him random drug tests?

 

[beachbeanb]

Yes but I think he might be doing inhalents and drinking alcohol.....

 

[Zardo]

I have been there and know the panic and frustration of this situation. The hard-to-live-with reality is - you cannot stop him from using if he is this motivated to use. I traied and failed. We also ended up sending ours away to Wilderness for 90 days. Things are much better now, but I sitll worry about him slipping back. I will tell you that we were very aggressive in confronting the use and contesting it. I went through his phone to find out the REAL facts. When he would freak about something like that and try to run, I would call the police to stop him. Whatever "card" he pulled, we pulled a card with an appropriate response. It didn't stop him, but showed him we were serious and eventually brought things to a head. I do remember helpful suggestions from a book called "Parenting Your Out of control Teenager". It talks about the seven aces teens use and how to respond in kind. I did use some strategies from that book like providing our own "24 hours survelience" by staying with him and sleeping outside his room because we did not feel we could trust him. I know it's a very hard time. I pray for you that he gets into his program and begins to see a light at the end of his dark tunnel.

 

[Zardo]

One other thought for you - one of the turning points for us was when our son got caught with pot at school, arrested and expelled. I was suddenly no longer the enemy. He was saying things to me like "why didn't I listen to you". It still took a long time after that to make a lasting change (for now), but it was that one event that gave us as parents power and credibility in his eyes. We now could confront the issue as a problem whereas before is was just war - us versus his desire to use. So - with this in mind - telling the school officials may be a good idea. If he is using at school and you have the strength to hope he gets caught so that you are no longer the bad guy - it may not work out as horrible as you think. And above - when I mention 24 hour surveillance - I mean even sleeping in his room - got that I dea from a counselor and the book. Man did my son HATE the 24 hours surveillence thing, but at least I knew he was safe for the night and it sent a strong message - "we love you too much to take any chances - until I can trust you - here I am". I only did it for 2 nights - but again - I thought it had a big impact. Good luck.

 

[toughlovin]

I have also been there done that and I am sorry to say I don't have a lot of ideas because we were not successful in keeping our son away from drugs.... he did go to a TBS for 16 months and it did help for a year or so. I think our mistake was letting him come home BUT I am not sure it would have made much difference. The good news is at least we kept him away from drugs for some of his teenage years which hopefully will help in the long run.

BUT one of the things I have come to understand is that one of the reasons some kids (I hesitate to generalize to all)
is to cover up pain... either caused by other events, or other forms of mental illness. So given that my suggestion is to focus on ways to find him real help rather than focusing so much on policing him. Of course it is hard to force a 16 year old into therapy etc.... and so that is hard... but if you can figure out where his need for getting high comes from that may help.

My son is now 20 and is in rehab again... this time by his own decision.

Good luck with this.

TL

 

[exhausted]

Well this is all too familiar. We did the 24 hour supervision thing for about 9 months before we wore out and sent her to first Residential Treatment Center (RTC).. She figured how to use at school. Never got caught. This Aug. when she was home from horrible second Residential Treatment Center (RTC) experience-she began running. We told her she was on supervision until she earned trust. She would get the basics only. She didn't make it 3 days. She ran all the time. She didn't go to school. Her drug of choice isn't a "drug", though she has used marijuana in the past (who knows maybe again), doesn't matter, they will get what they want.

I don't regret anything-I think sending the message is important. I would search his backpack, room, locker and pockets every day. I told mine that bringing pot into the home could get us in trouble so I wanted to check every time she came in. She's so sick of it she doesn't carry a purse anymore. Check her room several times a week (its been pretty stripped for over 2 years). I want her to know it's our home, our rules, and I care. Though we have had a few good weeks (relative good weeks), she still tries to control things.

There is no way you will know all he is doing-but I do think you should stand firm. I also think you tell him he goes no where until he agrees to see a counselor.
Telling the school could go either way. It all depends on the outcome, the judge (if charges are filed). My guess is that being on a waiting list for the TBS will be a bonus. With our daughter we put her in first Residential Treatment Center (RTC) 2 weeks before she saw the commissioner. He court ordered that she stay and finish. Trust me, this a good thing. The kids who were ordered finished the program.
I had great hopes for both RTCs and she has just gotten worse in some ways. In other ways she has an awareness of her issues that she never had. She can at times use good coping skills which she was totally unable to do before. I don't think anything is a cure- all for some of our kids. I do maintain that as they mature, they are more likely to use the things they learn in these places.

Most of all, I think you have to do what you need to do. Each of us have our own definition of good parenting. I want to be able to look back and say," I did everything I could,stayed within my value system, and did what I knew to do at the time." That is how I ulimately make the many hard decisions that come with raising these tough kids. 20/20 is hindsight.

I greatly value the input from others hear and it helps me think about all the angles and which one I can live with.
Hugs to you, and hope your 2 months goes by fast!

 

[beachbeanb]

Thanks so much for all your help and suggestions....I know y'all know how much it means in times of such stress and crisis. What would I do without other caring and sympathetic parents! We have hammered out a new contract and are hoping for the best!