Help please help!!!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by tish919, May 19, 2008.

  1. tish919

    tish919 New Member

    Hi I am new here and need advice. I have been married for 4 years and am raising my two step children. My step-son has always caused grief in our family but it seems to be getting worse. He has no emotion, thinks that death is funny, says off the wall things to try to hurt me, lies, steals, does not want to listen to anyone who has authority. My husband works between 160-180 hours every two weeks and is never home and even left them with me when he was deployed for 16 months. There mother never even wanted him and plays favorites between the two. Just Saturday night he told me he didn't care if I was here or not. He said that if my husband and I had a baby together that he might hurt it if he got mad at me. I am in nursing school and had a child die three weeks ago. He thought it was funny and taunted me in front of his dad. I have tried everything. Nothing means anything to him. He has also talked about hurting animals and has busted my lip in one of his rages. He says he does not remember it. I feel like I am going crazy and that he is going to ruin my marriage. Please help me!!!!
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Welcome!! How old is this child? I think you need appointments with a psychiatrist and a psychologist ASAP for evaluations. Get those lined up- if it is going to take several weeks for them to happen, keep those appts., but ask if there is a therapist/counselor who can see you, your husband, and the child in the meantime. This is just my opinion, but I think you need a little help and someone to vent too right away and still, get some evaluations for this child underway.

    Keep us posted- several others will have more ideas, too!
  3. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Welcome. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you needed to.

    I have a few more questions for you:

    Has the child ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist or neuropsychologist?
    Does he have a diagnosis?
    Is he taking any medications? If so, what?
    Any speech or developmental delays?
    Any sensory issues (for example, sensitivity to clothing tags, loud noises, food textures)?
    Any mental health issues or substance abuse in the family tree?

    Once you answer our question, we hope to be able to point you in the right direction. In the meantime, I recommend getting your hands on a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. It has helped many of us on this board parent our extra-challenging children.

    When you get a chance, please go to the "User CP" at the top of this page and complete a signature that will appear at the end of every post you write. It helps us keep everyone on the board straight.

    Again, welcome.
  4. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in my welcome-glad you found us, sorry you needed to.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Okay no, you are not crazy. YES from what you describe it is NOT normal behavior. It IS behavior of someone who has issues with divorce, or feeling like he was abandoned, adopted or absent parent.

    IT's not a fault - if we could figure out the what or why of our kids we'd be able to help them more than we do. Mental and emotional disorders are frustrating, tiring, they wear a marriage to the nub and you both are going to have HAVE to be on the same page with his treatment and discipline plan. HE isn't going to be on the same page and THAT is the fun of raising a child like this.

    You need to re-read Smallworlds post and follow what she has suggested you do. Your son needs to be seen by someone, and he needs to be in therapy. He's hurting more than you'll ever know and more than he may ever admit. Just from the little you've told (Mom not wanting him and telling him so)- IMAGINE what that must have been like for him and at such a young age WHAT SKILLS did he know in order to cope?" HE did the best he could and the behavior you are seeing is some of the result.

    Did she drink or do drugs when pregnant with him? Has anyone ever diagnosed (diagnosis) him for emotional or mental disorders? Do mental disorders run in his fathers or biomother's side of the family -like BiPolar (BP), schizophrenia, anti-social (some of the ones you may have heard of)? Start gathering this information and get him to a psychologist that can do a series of tests on him and observe him. Some times our kids are put into psychiatric hospitals for a medications evaluation or tweak to get the dosage correct so they can come back home and try to get therapy and learn how to cope. You too should consider therapy for yourself if you are the caregiver. 180 hours a week is a little extreme when you have 2 boys at home with a step=mother.

    Some of the things you've said here are red flags for emotional disturbances. Which one? That's going to be up to your psychiatrist and even then - read and educate yourself as much as possible. This isnt' going to go away ever. It will and can become less severe as he gets therapy or possibly medication or placed outside the home for periods of time. Depending on his age - from what I lived through - I would say he has maladjusted coping skills and possibly PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) possibly from his biomom/divorce and new Mom. Do you know what if anything she did or was there a lot of yelling between her and your husband? Some kids don't recover from that without intense therapy.

    Just fishing really - no solid answers - sorry, gonna need some more information to really help, but it's a beginning that you are here and recognize you all need help. Yes you ALL because YOU are going to need to go to therapy also to learn how to help yourself help him - and probably not a bad idea for brother to go also - it's hard being the sibling of a difficult child.

  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome here.
    This is one sick young man and he needs to see a neuropsychologist for an evaluation or a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD after his name). In no way is this normal. Was he like this before you married your husband? Are there any mood disorders or substance abuse on either side of the family tree? This is not a "bad" child, this is a mentally ill or neurologically different child who needs help yesterday. Please make sure her gets it before he gets even more out of control. I wouldn't plan on having any children until/unless this one is diagnosed and stabilized. Good luck.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Hi and welcome also. Violence is never OK... he needs to learn how to control his behaviors(whatever that takes) and you and your family need to learn how to protect yourselves. I agree with everyone prior to me, he needs help. The fact that you are searching for help for him says a lot about you! It is difficult to have a child like this. Does his Father offer any support at all?
    Please read up and keep asking questions. Please seek the help this boy needs.
    Sending you hugs
  8. tish919

    tish919 New Member

    He is 9 and has no medical diagnosis. He does not take any medications. At one time he was on Adderrall for ADHD but his mother took him off when he saw her on weekends and over the summer and he had horrible withdrawal symptoms because she stopped it so rapidly. He does not currently see a doctor although I think he needs one and his dad is very much around just not physically because of work.