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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 609854" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am glad you found meaning in my post. Of course daughter in law is not totally sane. She chose 35 and married him, didn't she? difficult children do find each other almost inevitably. Sad as it is, esp for grandson who is missing out on an amazing pair of grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, it probably is easier in the long run for you to not call her or have contact. Both of J's parents seem the type to use him as a hostage negotiation tool.</p><p></p><p>I think your response was <span style="color: #0000ff"><strong>BRILLIANT</strong></span>. I think it will take a few repetitions, but eventually he won't call because you are not giving him what he wants. </p><p></p><p>As to the holiday question about leaving a difficult child alone or having the difficult child there to make everyone miserable, why does it have to be all or nothing? My inlaws have some strange thing about mixing us with stepmil's family (she and father in law both had grown families when they married - in fact I was in the hospital with labor pains that fizzled out after six hours DURING their wedding. husband barely made it to the ceremony and he was best man. I knew it wasn't going to happen so I made him leave for the ceremony, lol.) We generally are with them only when the other side is not there. No clue why, and from what I have seen, the other side doesn't really know either. </p><p></p><p>This does not mean we are 'left out'. It means we do one time, they do another. Schedule a time and activity to do with difficult child, and then have others over at another time iwthout her. It makes ZERO sense to sacrifice the enjoyable time if having difficult child there makes it miserable. She can either learn to fit in and behave appropriately, or celebrate with some of you at another time. If you have her there to make everyone miserable, how will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? it does NOT mean to cut her off entirely, just to have a separate time so that she gets to celebrate with you without punishing the rest of the family.</p><p></p><p>Yes, she won't like it and will be unhappy to not be welcome atthe other times. As soon as she gets her behavior and choices into something approximating appropriate adult behavior, she will be welcome. HER choices make her unwelcome. Maybe a holiday season where it is clear that her actions dictate the separation will help her hit bottom and accept help and use the tools she has been given/taught. If she doesn't turn her life around, why should the rest of you sacrifice yourselves and your close knit holiday times on the altar of her gfgness? </p><p></p><p>No difficult child is more important than other family members. Her loneliness is NOT more important to the family than the misery of the family at times when you celebrate with her. If she is tired of being desperately lonely on holidays, she can reach out for help and she can change her behavior and choices so that she is not making family gatherings miserable. You have clearly provided her with decades of support, love, and tools to use to change her life to a more positive one. difficult child CHOOSES to not use these tools, and in my opinion the consequence of these choices is to not be at those gatherings. If it was a sudden acute crisis, like a car accident, then you drop everything to help and you give up the little league game, the weekend trip to the bookstore, etc... to support the person. But if it is a long term chronic condition, it does not make sense to give up the day to day things to focus all attention and energies on one person. Especially if that person is choosing not to help herself. (I hope this is clear, it is clear in my head but not sure I am communicating it clearly.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 609854, member: 1233"] I am glad you found meaning in my post. Of course daughter in law is not totally sane. She chose 35 and married him, didn't she? difficult children do find each other almost inevitably. Sad as it is, esp for grandson who is missing out on an amazing pair of grandparents and aunts/uncles/cousins, it probably is easier in the long run for you to not call her or have contact. Both of J's parents seem the type to use him as a hostage negotiation tool. I think your response was [COLOR=#0000ff][B]BRILLIANT[/B][/COLOR]. I think it will take a few repetitions, but eventually he won't call because you are not giving him what he wants. As to the holiday question about leaving a difficult child alone or having the difficult child there to make everyone miserable, why does it have to be all or nothing? My inlaws have some strange thing about mixing us with stepmil's family (she and father in law both had grown families when they married - in fact I was in the hospital with labor pains that fizzled out after six hours DURING their wedding. husband barely made it to the ceremony and he was best man. I knew it wasn't going to happen so I made him leave for the ceremony, lol.) We generally are with them only when the other side is not there. No clue why, and from what I have seen, the other side doesn't really know either. This does not mean we are 'left out'. It means we do one time, they do another. Schedule a time and activity to do with difficult child, and then have others over at another time iwthout her. It makes ZERO sense to sacrifice the enjoyable time if having difficult child there makes it miserable. She can either learn to fit in and behave appropriately, or celebrate with some of you at another time. If you have her there to make everyone miserable, how will she EVER learn that her actions have consequences? it does NOT mean to cut her off entirely, just to have a separate time so that she gets to celebrate with you without punishing the rest of the family. Yes, she won't like it and will be unhappy to not be welcome atthe other times. As soon as she gets her behavior and choices into something approximating appropriate adult behavior, she will be welcome. HER choices make her unwelcome. Maybe a holiday season where it is clear that her actions dictate the separation will help her hit bottom and accept help and use the tools she has been given/taught. If she doesn't turn her life around, why should the rest of you sacrifice yourselves and your close knit holiday times on the altar of her gfgness? No difficult child is more important than other family members. Her loneliness is NOT more important to the family than the misery of the family at times when you celebrate with her. If she is tired of being desperately lonely on holidays, she can reach out for help and she can change her behavior and choices so that she is not making family gatherings miserable. You have clearly provided her with decades of support, love, and tools to use to change her life to a more positive one. difficult child CHOOSES to not use these tools, and in my opinion the consequence of these choices is to not be at those gatherings. If it was a sudden acute crisis, like a car accident, then you drop everything to help and you give up the little league game, the weekend trip to the bookstore, etc... to support the person. But if it is a long term chronic condition, it does not make sense to give up the day to day things to focus all attention and energies on one person. Especially if that person is choosing not to help herself. (I hope this is clear, it is clear in my head but not sure I am communicating it clearly.) [/QUOTE]
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Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
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