Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 609895" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Recovering, we have to stop running. That's the answer. We need to retake the territory of the heart, stake our flag and reclaim our capacities for joy (or sadness). Since (at least in my own case) I have never managed to be everything my difficult child needs, then I need to learn to accept and cherish her on the outside, where that pain that attends her cannot really touch my heart. Our difficult child's are adult women, Recovering. They have no business in our true, secret hearts. That is sacred territory, and we need to reclaim it for our own.</p><p></p><p></p><p>*********************</p><p></p><p></p><p>As to your daughter's Christmas call? That was salvo #1. The declaration of battle. Truly, Recovering ~ if difficult child daughter meant to celebrate Christmas with you, she would have been in on the joy of the planning for weeks ahead of time. There would have been an immediate response to your initial email. It's like that FB post she made, about what a child is entitled to from a parent. You never even saw the bullet that hit you ~ but your mate did. He was able to explain it, because your difficult child does not hold claim over the territory of his heart like she does, yours. </p><p></p><p>And like my difficult child does, mine.</p><p></p><p>You had already invited her. In other words Recovering, you had already suffered through what you hoped and what you needed and what your family needed and...what your difficult child needed. You weighed in on the side of difficult child. So, that was torture #1, really. The Christmas email was actually salvo #2.</p><p></p><p>And then, after torturing you with whether she was going to show up, in what condition and with whom (essentially, ruining the anticipation of Christmas for you ON PURPOSE), your difficult child makes certain that you will know how she suffered because you had not made her feel welcome on her FAVORITE holiday.</p><p></p><p>We really are in a war, Recovering.</p><p></p><p>Maybe it will help if you sit with the dread of it, let it wash over you, and realize that you can and will survive it, whatever it is. </p><p></p><p>The battle is beginning to seem less about surviving the details of what is horrible this time, and more about how we can continue to cherish children who are so dangerous to us. I don't know the answer to that one. I do know that, while I can so easily see the manipulation in your difficult child's behaviors, and in MWM's difficult child...I am blind as a bat when it comes to the territory of my own heart. Remember when you posted to me about the heart-stopping horror I feel at my own difficult child's bruises and at the danger she seems to want to be certain I know she lives in?</p><p></p><p>Same thing.</p><p></p><p>We freeze, I think, when we are horrified. We are powerless, then.</p><p></p><p>And interestingly enough, for you and me and MWM...that is when (and where) our difficult child's strike. </p><p></p><p>I don't know how we are going to do this. But I am thinking that, now that we see it, in our own stories and in the stories of the other parents here on the Board...we can make things better.</p><p></p><p>Maybe not perfect, but we sure don't have to be sitting ducks, anymore.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 609895, member: 1721"] Recovering, we have to stop running. That's the answer. We need to retake the territory of the heart, stake our flag and reclaim our capacities for joy (or sadness). Since (at least in my own case) I have never managed to be everything my difficult child needs, then I need to learn to accept and cherish her on the outside, where that pain that attends her cannot really touch my heart. Our difficult child's are adult women, Recovering. They have no business in our true, secret hearts. That is sacred territory, and we need to reclaim it for our own. ********************* As to your daughter's Christmas call? That was salvo #1. The declaration of battle. Truly, Recovering ~ if difficult child daughter meant to celebrate Christmas with you, she would have been in on the joy of the planning for weeks ahead of time. There would have been an immediate response to your initial email. It's like that FB post she made, about what a child is entitled to from a parent. You never even saw the bullet that hit you ~ but your mate did. He was able to explain it, because your difficult child does not hold claim over the territory of his heart like she does, yours. And like my difficult child does, mine. You had already invited her. In other words Recovering, you had already suffered through what you hoped and what you needed and what your family needed and...what your difficult child needed. You weighed in on the side of difficult child. So, that was torture #1, really. The Christmas email was actually salvo #2. And then, after torturing you with whether she was going to show up, in what condition and with whom (essentially, ruining the anticipation of Christmas for you ON PURPOSE), your difficult child makes certain that you will know how she suffered because you had not made her feel welcome on her FAVORITE holiday. We really are in a war, Recovering. Maybe it will help if you sit with the dread of it, let it wash over you, and realize that you can and will survive it, whatever it is. The battle is beginning to seem less about surviving the details of what is horrible this time, and more about how we can continue to cherish children who are so dangerous to us. I don't know the answer to that one. I do know that, while I can so easily see the manipulation in your difficult child's behaviors, and in MWM's difficult child...I am blind as a bat when it comes to the territory of my own heart. Remember when you posted to me about the heart-stopping horror I feel at my own difficult child's bruises and at the danger she seems to want to be certain I know she lives in? Same thing. We freeze, I think, when we are horrified. We are powerless, then. And interestingly enough, for you and me and MWM...that is when (and where) our difficult child's strike. I don't know how we are going to do this. But I am thinking that, now that we see it, in our own stories and in the stories of the other parents here on the Board...we can make things better. Maybe not perfect, but we sure don't have to be sitting ducks, anymore. Cedar [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Help please! I need to ask if I was a bad mother. Feel like one.
Top