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<blockquote data-quote="cakewalk" data-source="post: 256420" data-attributes="member: 7060"><p>Thank you, everyone, for your advice and input. It is so helpful to read posts from people that understand what goes on behind closed doors.</p><p> </p><p>To answer a few questions, my difficult child is very gifted athletically. He is amazing at his sport. His GPA is a 3.5. He's a good looking kid with many, many friends. He holds two part time jobs in addition to his sport and his schooling. The problem? He hates living in our home. </p><p> </p><p>Most people never see the side of him we see. Most of my friends couldn't believe it when I told them what I was going through. He can turn on the charm. But when he blows, he blows. He never remembers most of his actions or words (or he refuses to admit it and tells me I make the stuff up.) </p><p> </p><p>Not one time has anyone called me and said, "difficult child said.... and we would like to hear your version of the story." With each story he told, the more attention he got. The more attention he got, the more the stories changed. The police and CPS have seen through his stories. My family refuses to. They do not like me and I do not like them. My sister is angry that I walked away from her family and all of her children. I have no regrets in doing that. My counselor agrees that it was the best thing for me to do at the time.</p><p> </p><p>When I told my sister that CPS saw through his made up story, she said it was because he was the last person they had spoken to and we had manipulated them to believing us. The poor child never stood a chance being the last to speak. (He refused to speak to them at first, it was only after pleading with difficult child, did he come down and speak.) When I told her that our family counselor fined him for bad behavior (since money is the only motivator to this kid), my sister said that was reprehensible and did we give the money back when he behaved? (Um... no.) She said how fair is it that your family counselor makes decisions for you to parent your child when difficult child hasn't spoken to her? difficult child refuses to meet with her and refuses family counseling. Our family is hurting daily and we all need and welcome her advice. When I told my son that I sacrificed everything to make his athletic dreams come true, my sister told him to tell me that I'm selfish and perfect and refuse to give him any credit for anything. That yes, while I did sacrifice, it was difficult child that played hard and developed skills and why can't I give him any credit FOR ANYTHING? My point being that anything that he tells them gets turned against my husband and I. There are so many unresolved issues between me and my siblings, the war continues through our children. My sister is playing the martyr and will be the saving grace and "fix" what she thinks I broke. That is the ulterior motive of having my son in her house. My son isn't the problem here, it's me, and she's going to prove it. </p><p> </p><p>When I said that my sister is teaching my son to punch walls, throw fits, and run away from his problems, I didn't mean that they do that in their house. I meant by their allowing him to stay against my wishes, and taking care of him the way they have been coddling him, they are teaching him that the way he behaved is acceptable behavior. He's now living in a gated community. My sister drives him to work and his sporting practices and games. She has made his lunches, bought him things, made a room for him, calls for counseling appointments, helps him with his busy schedule. He's a runaway! He's living the life of dreams right now. So he learned what?? Swear, curse, bully, break things, call names, defy rules, slip out a back door and wah-lah country club living. Oh, they belong to the country club and have a cottage on a lake. And, he doesn't have to lift a finger and he gets all the benefits.</p><p> </p><p>I loved the post about KT. I can't hang on to that because expectations lead to disappointments, and I've had enough of those. But, it sure is wonderful to hear that happy ending!</p><p> </p><p>My son will have no part of counseling with me. My sister has said that will never happen. She said she'll get my son counseling but I'll have NO part in it.</p><p> </p><p>If I force the kid home, he'll leave in a second. Or, yes, he will become violent eventually . Is it worth the risk to get him in residential treatment? I don't know. My son tells me that he's only this way around us. We're the only people that bother him and make him so angry. </p><p> </p><p>The other dynamic is my easy child. The family has completely ignored him for two years. They have set up a private email account for my difficult child, with password, telling him not to tell me. They all sent him "you can come and live here" emails. difficult child left the email and password in his dirty clothes, which I found. easy child never got a private email from the family. easy child is angry with his brother for the behavior, for the damage, for the F-Bombs, the police, counseling, my tears, etc. He is frustrated with my family for not seeing through difficult child's ****. What I didn't tell you is when CPS closed our file and said, "There is no abuse in this house." easy child said, "Yes, there is. The three of us are abused by difficult child." He is the only one in the house that dared to say it outloud.</p><p> </p><p>Thank you all for your advice. It is very helpful to hear from people who understand.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="cakewalk, post: 256420, member: 7060"] Thank you, everyone, for your advice and input. It is so helpful to read posts from people that understand what goes on behind closed doors. To answer a few questions, my difficult child is very gifted athletically. He is amazing at his sport. His GPA is a 3.5. He's a good looking kid with many, many friends. He holds two part time jobs in addition to his sport and his schooling. The problem? He hates living in our home. Most people never see the side of him we see. Most of my friends couldn't believe it when I told them what I was going through. He can turn on the charm. But when he blows, he blows. He never remembers most of his actions or words (or he refuses to admit it and tells me I make the stuff up.) Not one time has anyone called me and said, "difficult child said.... and we would like to hear your version of the story." With each story he told, the more attention he got. The more attention he got, the more the stories changed. The police and CPS have seen through his stories. My family refuses to. They do not like me and I do not like them. My sister is angry that I walked away from her family and all of her children. I have no regrets in doing that. My counselor agrees that it was the best thing for me to do at the time. When I told my sister that CPS saw through his made up story, she said it was because he was the last person they had spoken to and we had manipulated them to believing us. The poor child never stood a chance being the last to speak. (He refused to speak to them at first, it was only after pleading with difficult child, did he come down and speak.) When I told her that our family counselor fined him for bad behavior (since money is the only motivator to this kid), my sister said that was reprehensible and did we give the money back when he behaved? (Um... no.) She said how fair is it that your family counselor makes decisions for you to parent your child when difficult child hasn't spoken to her? difficult child refuses to meet with her and refuses family counseling. Our family is hurting daily and we all need and welcome her advice. When I told my son that I sacrificed everything to make his athletic dreams come true, my sister told him to tell me that I'm selfish and perfect and refuse to give him any credit for anything. That yes, while I did sacrifice, it was difficult child that played hard and developed skills and why can't I give him any credit FOR ANYTHING? My point being that anything that he tells them gets turned against my husband and I. There are so many unresolved issues between me and my siblings, the war continues through our children. My sister is playing the martyr and will be the saving grace and "fix" what she thinks I broke. That is the ulterior motive of having my son in her house. My son isn't the problem here, it's me, and she's going to prove it. When I said that my sister is teaching my son to punch walls, throw fits, and run away from his problems, I didn't mean that they do that in their house. I meant by their allowing him to stay against my wishes, and taking care of him the way they have been coddling him, they are teaching him that the way he behaved is acceptable behavior. He's now living in a gated community. My sister drives him to work and his sporting practices and games. She has made his lunches, bought him things, made a room for him, calls for counseling appointments, helps him with his busy schedule. He's a runaway! He's living the life of dreams right now. So he learned what?? Swear, curse, bully, break things, call names, defy rules, slip out a back door and wah-lah country club living. Oh, they belong to the country club and have a cottage on a lake. And, he doesn't have to lift a finger and he gets all the benefits. I loved the post about KT. I can't hang on to that because expectations lead to disappointments, and I've had enough of those. But, it sure is wonderful to hear that happy ending! My son will have no part of counseling with me. My sister has said that will never happen. She said she'll get my son counseling but I'll have NO part in it. If I force the kid home, he'll leave in a second. Or, yes, he will become violent eventually . Is it worth the risk to get him in residential treatment? I don't know. My son tells me that he's only this way around us. We're the only people that bother him and make him so angry. The other dynamic is my easy child. The family has completely ignored him for two years. They have set up a private email account for my difficult child, with password, telling him not to tell me. They all sent him "you can come and live here" emails. difficult child left the email and password in his dirty clothes, which I found. easy child never got a private email from the family. easy child is angry with his brother for the behavior, for the damage, for the F-Bombs, the police, counseling, my tears, etc. He is frustrated with my family for not seeing through difficult child's ****. What I didn't tell you is when CPS closed our file and said, "There is no abuse in this house." easy child said, "Yes, there is. The three of us are abused by difficult child." He is the only one in the house that dared to say it outloud. Thank you all for your advice. It is very helpful to hear from people who understand. [/QUOTE]
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