New here, wishing I had found this site earlier, reading every post looking for similarities and guidance from all of your every day struggles.
I was a single parent to two boys for 9 years after my ex husband left (no contact since.) Three years ago I married a wonderful man who accepted my children as his own. Both kids said they were excited about the marriage, but looking back, that's when the problems with my difficult child started.
My relationship with my siblings and mother has always been toxic, but it was all I had. After marrying my husband and experiencing his "normal" family unit, I decided to set boundaries and sever contact with my family. My children were allowed to see the family since we live close.
My difficult child and husband began to clash shortly after our marriage. The defiance grew stronger and 1 1/2 years ago, my son showed his first signs of rage toward my husband and me.
There are so many things that have happened since, but whenever my son is unhappy or angry, he runs to my sister or brother, who welcome him with open arms. They have a common bond with my son, they don't like me either.
Each time I pick up my son, he tells me that if I make him come home, he'll make my life hell. And, he does. My walls are destroyed. My doors have holes. The F-word is used as an adjective. He calls us names. He laughs and mocks us constantly. He refuses to be a part of our family. My sister and brother have given him options, therefore my rules are a joke to him.
The police have seen through his self injury (initally blamed on my husband, of course) and recommended boot camp. The bogus abuse stories have led my family to call CPS. CPS has come and determined there is no abuse, just anger and defiance of an out of control teen, and offered family counseling and coping strategies.
The counselor determined my son needs testing and therapy (that he's alittle off in the head). My son said no way to any testing or counseling. He'll run away. He'll refuse to speak. He'll make the cops pick him up and phyically take him to each and every appointment. (Another should have... I never made him go.) As the behavior worsened, the counselor instilled strict rules. I, of course, was berated by my son that I need help parenting, because I a terrible mom. The rules got tougher, and my son got more defiant. When he'd run out of options or his being in control of us, he'd run to my sister's. I'd pick him up and bring him home, he'd be more angry... the cycle continues.
He ran away three weeks ago. He had been told this is the last time we pick him up. The counselor said a couple of days in detention would do him good. I filed a runaway report. The cops said at this close to 17 they won't look for him. So he's now in a big house, with a lot of kids, with everyone jumping through hoops for "this poor child" that has gone through hell because I manipulate the cops and CPS to believe what I want them to believe. My sister thinks the counselors rules were terrible and harsh. I reminded her that they invited the counselor to my home with my son's bogus charges. My sister questioned if they were really bogus or did I manipiulate them? (These attacks are common in my family.)
I finally called my sister and told her about the last year. The conversation wasn't pleasant. She is standing beside my son and is willing to take guardianship to rescue him from his mean mother and wicked step father. The counselor says to sign the papers and to get my life back. My easy child is "relieved" that he is gone and doesn't want him home. My husband is emotionally exhausted, and his feelings are hurt, he's been accused of some really crappy things from this kid.
But, I'm still mom... and I'm really struggling with this. I talked to my son last night. He is filled with more hate and rage toward me than ever. (This doesn't surprise me one bit.) He vehemently denies any wrong doing to this day. The scary part is he has no recollection of a lot of things he's said and done over the last year (or he's really that good of a liar.) He always says I'm lying or I make all this stuff up. Each conversation in the last three weeks (there have been four) is more draining and exhausting than the last. He wants me to sign over guardianship and leave him alone.
They are enabling him, handling everything for him... including simple tasks that he can do himself. They've basically taught him that if doesn't get his way, throw a fist through a wall, hurt yourself and property, and runaway. They've condoned his last year's egregious behavior time and again and continue to reward him.
In my state, I can have him brought home by police due to his age. But, at what expense? I know the answer to this question! So, he's gone. Nothing legal has transpired although I have taken him his belongings. Part of me is relieved to have quiet, love, and happiness in my home again. Part of me knows that my son has good in him but that he needs serious help. But I also know that this is bigger than me and I can't fight the enablers. Any advice?
I was a single parent to two boys for 9 years after my ex husband left (no contact since.) Three years ago I married a wonderful man who accepted my children as his own. Both kids said they were excited about the marriage, but looking back, that's when the problems with my difficult child started.
My relationship with my siblings and mother has always been toxic, but it was all I had. After marrying my husband and experiencing his "normal" family unit, I decided to set boundaries and sever contact with my family. My children were allowed to see the family since we live close.
My difficult child and husband began to clash shortly after our marriage. The defiance grew stronger and 1 1/2 years ago, my son showed his first signs of rage toward my husband and me.
There are so many things that have happened since, but whenever my son is unhappy or angry, he runs to my sister or brother, who welcome him with open arms. They have a common bond with my son, they don't like me either.
Each time I pick up my son, he tells me that if I make him come home, he'll make my life hell. And, he does. My walls are destroyed. My doors have holes. The F-word is used as an adjective. He calls us names. He laughs and mocks us constantly. He refuses to be a part of our family. My sister and brother have given him options, therefore my rules are a joke to him.
The police have seen through his self injury (initally blamed on my husband, of course) and recommended boot camp. The bogus abuse stories have led my family to call CPS. CPS has come and determined there is no abuse, just anger and defiance of an out of control teen, and offered family counseling and coping strategies.
The counselor determined my son needs testing and therapy (that he's alittle off in the head). My son said no way to any testing or counseling. He'll run away. He'll refuse to speak. He'll make the cops pick him up and phyically take him to each and every appointment. (Another should have... I never made him go.) As the behavior worsened, the counselor instilled strict rules. I, of course, was berated by my son that I need help parenting, because I a terrible mom. The rules got tougher, and my son got more defiant. When he'd run out of options or his being in control of us, he'd run to my sister's. I'd pick him up and bring him home, he'd be more angry... the cycle continues.
He ran away three weeks ago. He had been told this is the last time we pick him up. The counselor said a couple of days in detention would do him good. I filed a runaway report. The cops said at this close to 17 they won't look for him. So he's now in a big house, with a lot of kids, with everyone jumping through hoops for "this poor child" that has gone through hell because I manipulate the cops and CPS to believe what I want them to believe. My sister thinks the counselors rules were terrible and harsh. I reminded her that they invited the counselor to my home with my son's bogus charges. My sister questioned if they were really bogus or did I manipiulate them? (These attacks are common in my family.)
I finally called my sister and told her about the last year. The conversation wasn't pleasant. She is standing beside my son and is willing to take guardianship to rescue him from his mean mother and wicked step father. The counselor says to sign the papers and to get my life back. My easy child is "relieved" that he is gone and doesn't want him home. My husband is emotionally exhausted, and his feelings are hurt, he's been accused of some really crappy things from this kid.
But, I'm still mom... and I'm really struggling with this. I talked to my son last night. He is filled with more hate and rage toward me than ever. (This doesn't surprise me one bit.) He vehemently denies any wrong doing to this day. The scary part is he has no recollection of a lot of things he's said and done over the last year (or he's really that good of a liar.) He always says I'm lying or I make all this stuff up. Each conversation in the last three weeks (there have been four) is more draining and exhausting than the last. He wants me to sign over guardianship and leave him alone.
They are enabling him, handling everything for him... including simple tasks that he can do himself. They've basically taught him that if doesn't get his way, throw a fist through a wall, hurt yourself and property, and runaway. They've condoned his last year's egregious behavior time and again and continue to reward him.
In my state, I can have him brought home by police due to his age. But, at what expense? I know the answer to this question! So, he's gone. Nothing legal has transpired although I have taken him his belongings. Part of me is relieved to have quiet, love, and happiness in my home again. Part of me knows that my son has good in him but that he needs serious help. But I also know that this is bigger than me and I can't fight the enablers. Any advice?
