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Help (today please) for sister of "Rap Boy"
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 377939" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I wish I had a clue as to how to help you with this. One thing seems like of obvious. Did you give her your phone to use, or did she borrow it with-o asking? If it is with-o asking, you need to address that issue however you normally would. </p><p> </p><p>I assume you set the parental controls on her phone for a reason. One of them being that you don't want her on the phone after 11. Don't let her borrow/use any of the phones after 11, if that is her limit. It will help prevent this problem in the future.</p><p> </p><p>You should be able to look at the browser history on your phone. The carrier may also have a way for you to see what websites are opened via their website. We don't use internet on our phones, so I haven't got a clue if that is possible.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>One strategy comes to mind. I have a friend who dated all kinds of inappropriate people. Her folks hit the roof, did all the typical things. Then she brought home Rocker Boy. Clearly he dad either had a mini stroke or adopted a new strategy, because he didn't get angry or forbid anything. He was friendly. Not just shook hands, invited the guy in, talked to him as if he was really <em>interested</em> in what the guy had to say. Had a few conversations with him, invited him to dinner, always took time to have a soda with him when he came over, etc.... Mom was really welcoming too - even asked what his favorite foods were and made them to have around for snacks, and when he came to dinner. </p><p> </p><p>Now these parents were friends of mine and in private they told me they couldn't STAND the kid. He was awful, treated their daughter badly, smelled funny the first few times (dad asked what the cologne was and where he could get some and the kid realized he smelled unwashed adn cleaned up), was the most boring dolt in the universe, etc... </p><p> </p><p>They NEVER let on that they disliked him. By the time Dad started inviting the boy for dinner the girl was really cooling off. By the time dinner (his favorites were not something she liked - and her mom knew it, lol) was over so was the relationship. </p><p> </p><p>It sounds like it came out of a sit-com on tv. It will NOT work with every child or relationship. There is even likely too much water under the bridge for you to change tactics that dramatically. You can recognize that in reality is it HER dating life and not yours, and it may just be something you cannot control. If the guy is the crud you say he is, he likely has at least one girl at college he is "dating" or even sleeping with. I have lived in a college town for most of the last 20 years and it is incredibly common for kids to have a high school kid at home they are "dating" and another one at college. Some even have two FB pages, or FB with the college one and myspace with the high school one. I would try to suggest that he has ohter people at college he dates or even (yuck) "hooks up" with. Don't draw conclusions like "he's cheating on you" or " you are not his only one". Just let her know you are there, you love her and you know she can do better.</p><p> </p><p>Encourage her to do things with other kids her age, esp in mixed groups. Encourage her to NOT skip events because this guy isn't there to go with her. If you truly think the relationship is abusive or heading that way, get some pamphlets from the local DV center and leave them sitting around. </p><p> </p><p>Does your contract have any consequences in it for dating someone older than agreed on? If so, you MUST enforce those because you agreed to them </p><p> </p><p>My advice may be worthless. Use your common sense. I know that my friend and her husband were able to chase off several unsuitable boys and when their daughter really found the "right" guy they treated him the same way and found they really liked him, but if they hadn't taken the time to be so friendly they might not have because they wouldn't have known him. I DO know it won't work for everyone.</p><p> </p><p>A good therapist would be able to help with this. If you think the relationship is abusive then you need to contact a local DV center to find out ways that you can truly help her. </p><p> </p><p>Do you have access to her FB account? Her REAL one? It isn't just the "players" with 2 gfs that have more than one page on FB. Kids who don't want parents to know what they are doing are giving parents access to one page on FB and having a second under a nickname or other version of their name (Vicki instead of Victoria, for example) that they post the stuff that will come back to haunt them.</p><p> </p><p>Even though she is almost 16, you should still watch what she does on the computer and internet - including her cell phone. If you don't have access to her FB account,insist on it. </p><p> </p><p>Sorry not to be more help, esp since I rambled. lol.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 377939, member: 1233"] I wish I had a clue as to how to help you with this. One thing seems like of obvious. Did you give her your phone to use, or did she borrow it with-o asking? If it is with-o asking, you need to address that issue however you normally would. I assume you set the parental controls on her phone for a reason. One of them being that you don't want her on the phone after 11. Don't let her borrow/use any of the phones after 11, if that is her limit. It will help prevent this problem in the future. You should be able to look at the browser history on your phone. The carrier may also have a way for you to see what websites are opened via their website. We don't use internet on our phones, so I haven't got a clue if that is possible. One strategy comes to mind. I have a friend who dated all kinds of inappropriate people. Her folks hit the roof, did all the typical things. Then she brought home Rocker Boy. Clearly he dad either had a mini stroke or adopted a new strategy, because he didn't get angry or forbid anything. He was friendly. Not just shook hands, invited the guy in, talked to him as if he was really [I]interested[/I] in what the guy had to say. Had a few conversations with him, invited him to dinner, always took time to have a soda with him when he came over, etc.... Mom was really welcoming too - even asked what his favorite foods were and made them to have around for snacks, and when he came to dinner. Now these parents were friends of mine and in private they told me they couldn't STAND the kid. He was awful, treated their daughter badly, smelled funny the first few times (dad asked what the cologne was and where he could get some and the kid realized he smelled unwashed adn cleaned up), was the most boring dolt in the universe, etc... They NEVER let on that they disliked him. By the time Dad started inviting the boy for dinner the girl was really cooling off. By the time dinner (his favorites were not something she liked - and her mom knew it, lol) was over so was the relationship. It sounds like it came out of a sit-com on tv. It will NOT work with every child or relationship. There is even likely too much water under the bridge for you to change tactics that dramatically. You can recognize that in reality is it HER dating life and not yours, and it may just be something you cannot control. If the guy is the crud you say he is, he likely has at least one girl at college he is "dating" or even sleeping with. I have lived in a college town for most of the last 20 years and it is incredibly common for kids to have a high school kid at home they are "dating" and another one at college. Some even have two FB pages, or FB with the college one and myspace with the high school one. I would try to suggest that he has ohter people at college he dates or even (yuck) "hooks up" with. Don't draw conclusions like "he's cheating on you" or " you are not his only one". Just let her know you are there, you love her and you know she can do better. Encourage her to do things with other kids her age, esp in mixed groups. Encourage her to NOT skip events because this guy isn't there to go with her. If you truly think the relationship is abusive or heading that way, get some pamphlets from the local DV center and leave them sitting around. Does your contract have any consequences in it for dating someone older than agreed on? If so, you MUST enforce those because you agreed to them My advice may be worthless. Use your common sense. I know that my friend and her husband were able to chase off several unsuitable boys and when their daughter really found the "right" guy they treated him the same way and found they really liked him, but if they hadn't taken the time to be so friendly they might not have because they wouldn't have known him. I DO know it won't work for everyone. A good therapist would be able to help with this. If you think the relationship is abusive then you need to contact a local DV center to find out ways that you can truly help her. Do you have access to her FB account? Her REAL one? It isn't just the "players" with 2 gfs that have more than one page on FB. Kids who don't want parents to know what they are doing are giving parents access to one page on FB and having a second under a nickname or other version of their name (Vicki instead of Victoria, for example) that they post the stuff that will come back to haunt them. Even though she is almost 16, you should still watch what she does on the computer and internet - including her cell phone. If you don't have access to her FB account,insist on it. Sorry not to be more help, esp since I rambled. lol. [/QUOTE]
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