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Help (today please) for sister of "Rap Boy"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 377943" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Just confirming - your daughter is 15? Because your sig says she's 13.</p><p></p><p>Frankly, while I sympathise with your desire to not allow dating until 16, but it's like the restrictions I and my sisters were raised with ("no sex before marriage") which we also tried to impose on our girls - without success. The restriction did a lot of harm to me (in many subtle ways I won't go into now) and frankly, is unenforceable. We did our utmost but you can't have your kid glued to your sides 24/7. You've got to go to sleep sometime, and at other times you go to the bathroom, go have a shower, go to the mailbox - it doesn't take long if your kid is determined. </p><p>In our family, we did better than a lot of parents - easy child didn't lose her virginity until 15, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was about 18. Mind you, a lot of the other parents did not realise that their precious darlings were already having sex. We knew, because we kept our eyes and ears open and our mouths shut (other than to offer advice to the kids when asked). I had a few kids come to me for relationship advice, said they couldn't talk to their parents about the boy because they were forbidden form seeing him or from letting it get that serious. One family we are still moderately close friends with - the dad especially used to lecture us about how to keep your girls "pure" despite it being common knowledge that they climbed out the bedroom windows every night.</p><p></p><p>I also learned lessons form my own childhood/adolescence. One boy I was going out with was 23 when I was 17. He asked me to marry him but suggested we keep our engagement a secret because my parents didn't fully approve of him. He was a decent churchgoing young man, but there was something about him my mother disliked. I remember my 'fiance' asking me to a function at his work, my mother refused permission for me to go because it involved gambling (it was a bingo night). I felt she was over-reacting and being unreasonable. As my relationship progressed I desperately needed someone I could talk to, as my 'fiance' was pressuring me for sex and when I was reluctant, saying things like, "You must be frigid". My mother's disapproval had shut off all possible room for me to talk to her about the complexities of the relationship. The only person I could talk to was another bloke, an older man who was a fellow student at uni and who had befriended me. I also talked to husband about it (he was a friend at the time, had his own girlfriend problems) but I didn't talk to husband about the pressure for sex angle, I didn't know him that well!</p><p></p><p>What I learned from this, was the importance of keeping the communication open a a priority. What I needed my mother to tell me was NOT "Don't have sex before you're married" but "If you don't want to have sex and he is pressuring you, then insulting you for continuing to refuse which is your right, then he is not respecting your space; that is not a healthy thing in a relationship. Here is what you need to say to him..."</p><p></p><p>Interestingly, easy child 2/difficult child 2 went through similar conflicts with her first boyfriend. Any problem she had, he would behave childishly and passive-aggressively (which I experienced a great deal of, with 'fiance'). When easy child 2/difficult child 2's boyfriend started getting manipulative and nasty, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was getting confused and feeling guilty (which is what he intended). Thankfully she was able to talk to us about it because although we didn't like him a great deal, we were clearly making an effort to be good to him. Frankly, I felt sorry for him because he had a rotten upbringing and had no concept of what family means. We went out of our way to welcome him, to open our house to him (because that way, the relationship was carried on right under our noses, and not miles away in secrecy). It is a lot easier to referee a relationship, when you have a clear view of all the action. There were even times when both of them were able to open up to us and talk things through.</p><p></p><p>You can't save your child from pain, but if you are able to keep them communicating, you are better placed to help minimise the damage when they are going to make their own choices anyway. I decided that if my kids were going to make poor choices, the sooner I knew about them and the more they talked to me, the better the chance we would have of helping them over the problems so they could make better choices next time.</p><p></p><p>So with your daughter, if she is permitted to see this guy on your premises but NOT go to parties with him (because they've broken trust with alcohol) then chances are, this won't change what is probably already happening. It will just move the location to a safer place.</p><p></p><p>Forbidden fruit can be the most sweet. If she sees him more often under conditions you can control, she has a better chance of seeing his flaws sooner. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 377943, member: 1991"] Just confirming - your daughter is 15? Because your sig says she's 13. Frankly, while I sympathise with your desire to not allow dating until 16, but it's like the restrictions I and my sisters were raised with ("no sex before marriage") which we also tried to impose on our girls - without success. The restriction did a lot of harm to me (in many subtle ways I won't go into now) and frankly, is unenforceable. We did our utmost but you can't have your kid glued to your sides 24/7. You've got to go to sleep sometime, and at other times you go to the bathroom, go have a shower, go to the mailbox - it doesn't take long if your kid is determined. In our family, we did better than a lot of parents - easy child didn't lose her virginity until 15, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was about 18. Mind you, a lot of the other parents did not realise that their precious darlings were already having sex. We knew, because we kept our eyes and ears open and our mouths shut (other than to offer advice to the kids when asked). I had a few kids come to me for relationship advice, said they couldn't talk to their parents about the boy because they were forbidden form seeing him or from letting it get that serious. One family we are still moderately close friends with - the dad especially used to lecture us about how to keep your girls "pure" despite it being common knowledge that they climbed out the bedroom windows every night. I also learned lessons form my own childhood/adolescence. One boy I was going out with was 23 when I was 17. He asked me to marry him but suggested we keep our engagement a secret because my parents didn't fully approve of him. He was a decent churchgoing young man, but there was something about him my mother disliked. I remember my 'fiance' asking me to a function at his work, my mother refused permission for me to go because it involved gambling (it was a bingo night). I felt she was over-reacting and being unreasonable. As my relationship progressed I desperately needed someone I could talk to, as my 'fiance' was pressuring me for sex and when I was reluctant, saying things like, "You must be frigid". My mother's disapproval had shut off all possible room for me to talk to her about the complexities of the relationship. The only person I could talk to was another bloke, an older man who was a fellow student at uni and who had befriended me. I also talked to husband about it (he was a friend at the time, had his own girlfriend problems) but I didn't talk to husband about the pressure for sex angle, I didn't know him that well! What I learned from this, was the importance of keeping the communication open a a priority. What I needed my mother to tell me was NOT "Don't have sex before you're married" but "If you don't want to have sex and he is pressuring you, then insulting you for continuing to refuse which is your right, then he is not respecting your space; that is not a healthy thing in a relationship. Here is what you need to say to him..." Interestingly, easy child 2/difficult child 2 went through similar conflicts with her first boyfriend. Any problem she had, he would behave childishly and passive-aggressively (which I experienced a great deal of, with 'fiance'). When easy child 2/difficult child 2's boyfriend started getting manipulative and nasty, easy child 2/difficult child 2 was getting confused and feeling guilty (which is what he intended). Thankfully she was able to talk to us about it because although we didn't like him a great deal, we were clearly making an effort to be good to him. Frankly, I felt sorry for him because he had a rotten upbringing and had no concept of what family means. We went out of our way to welcome him, to open our house to him (because that way, the relationship was carried on right under our noses, and not miles away in secrecy). It is a lot easier to referee a relationship, when you have a clear view of all the action. There were even times when both of them were able to open up to us and talk things through. You can't save your child from pain, but if you are able to keep them communicating, you are better placed to help minimise the damage when they are going to make their own choices anyway. I decided that if my kids were going to make poor choices, the sooner I knew about them and the more they talked to me, the better the chance we would have of helping them over the problems so they could make better choices next time. So with your daughter, if she is permitted to see this guy on your premises but NOT go to parties with him (because they've broken trust with alcohol) then chances are, this won't change what is probably already happening. It will just move the location to a safer place. Forbidden fruit can be the most sweet. If she sees him more often under conditions you can control, she has a better chance of seeing his flaws sooner. Marg [/QUOTE]
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