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Help - TOO detached? - Do I really continue to do nothing?
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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 249857" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>I do not think you are too detached. To me that would mean that your daughter wanted help and you were not willing to give it. That is not the case. </p><p> </p><p>Unfortunately until your difficult child wants help and is willing to follow the rules and reap the consequences of her past actions she cannot be helped. Detaching means that you continue to live your life and grab your own joy regardless of your child's situation. I know all this because I have lived it.</p><p> </p><p>My difficult child was on drugs and got into lots of trouble. He is currently in a group home and only doing fair. I remain detached. He needs to prove to me that he is trying to change. He hasn't done that. He is real good at talking the talk but he still is irresponsible and still thinks of himself before anyone else. So I limit my contact and only have him over when I have others here to help "watch" him or he is doing outdoor jobs. I love him and I include him in all family gatherings (if he behaves) but I do not trust him. He has a long road to hoe before that trust will happen. I am detached enough to accept that it may never come.</p><p> </p><p>Yet I do help him when he is willing to meet me halfway. I gave him work around the place in return for me paying off some of his debt. I paid the bills, he never saw a penny. This way I know it went to the proper place. I did not pay them until he was 50&#37; done with the job. I lent him the co-pay for his perscriptions last week but made it clear I wanted the two dollars back because it was a "loan" not a gift. Two dollars is not anything to me but I need for him to learn to not just assume that others will pay his way in life and that he has to work and budget his money. I also need to test where he is at in his progress on occasion. So I still hope and I still try to teach yet I remain detached when he tells me that he is dating and sleeping over at people's houses instead of staying at the group home. He has permission from his PO but it is not a good thing for him and his history says it is a halmark of a backslide. I remained detached when I learned he had a drinking episode and was put on restriction. I remain detached when I find out he is doing any of the things that he has been told he needs to stop doing. But I am not too detached nor was I too detached when I did nothing and let him reap his consequences. </p><p> </p><p>You speak of feelings of guilt yet admit that you did your very best by this child. So work on loosing the guilt. It doesn't searve any purpose here and it is eating away at your happiness. And yes you can be happy even though your daughter is making poor decisions as to what she does with her life. Not getting so caught up in her bad choice that you cannot enjoy your own life is the proper use of detachment.</p><p> </p><p>Hugs to you. -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 249857, member: 2315"] I do not think you are too detached. To me that would mean that your daughter wanted help and you were not willing to give it. That is not the case. Unfortunately until your difficult child wants help and is willing to follow the rules and reap the consequences of her past actions she cannot be helped. Detaching means that you continue to live your life and grab your own joy regardless of your child's situation. I know all this because I have lived it. My difficult child was on drugs and got into lots of trouble. He is currently in a group home and only doing fair. I remain detached. He needs to prove to me that he is trying to change. He hasn't done that. He is real good at talking the talk but he still is irresponsible and still thinks of himself before anyone else. So I limit my contact and only have him over when I have others here to help "watch" him or he is doing outdoor jobs. I love him and I include him in all family gatherings (if he behaves) but I do not trust him. He has a long road to hoe before that trust will happen. I am detached enough to accept that it may never come. Yet I do help him when he is willing to meet me halfway. I gave him work around the place in return for me paying off some of his debt. I paid the bills, he never saw a penny. This way I know it went to the proper place. I did not pay them until he was 50% done with the job. I lent him the co-pay for his perscriptions last week but made it clear I wanted the two dollars back because it was a "loan" not a gift. Two dollars is not anything to me but I need for him to learn to not just assume that others will pay his way in life and that he has to work and budget his money. I also need to test where he is at in his progress on occasion. So I still hope and I still try to teach yet I remain detached when he tells me that he is dating and sleeping over at people's houses instead of staying at the group home. He has permission from his PO but it is not a good thing for him and his history says it is a halmark of a backslide. I remained detached when I learned he had a drinking episode and was put on restriction. I remain detached when I find out he is doing any of the things that he has been told he needs to stop doing. But I am not too detached nor was I too detached when I did nothing and let him reap his consequences. You speak of feelings of guilt yet admit that you did your very best by this child. So work on loosing the guilt. It doesn't searve any purpose here and it is eating away at your happiness. And yes you can be happy even though your daughter is making poor decisions as to what she does with her life. Not getting so caught up in her bad choice that you cannot enjoy your own life is the proper use of detachment. Hugs to you. -RM [/QUOTE]
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Help - TOO detached? - Do I really continue to do nothing?
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