help with enabling my 28 year old

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by coach, May 11, 2017.

  1. coach

    coach New Member

    So yes you heard it right I am an enabler to my daughter and finally I get it, what took so long - I don't know denial I guess. So long story short for the past 8-10 years we (husband and myself) have been dealing with her drug addiction, which she has been in and out of rehab just as late as last year. I don't notice she is doing drugs again but the constant lying that goes on and being disrespectful is gotten out of control. For instance just yesterday (we have to lock our bedroom door when were not home because we don't trust her) she broke into the room and took some cash and then lied and then confessed because it was only $22.00 it was okay in her eyes. I am livid about that again she has been stealing, lieing you name it for years. She works 30 hours at 9.00/hr and when she gets paid within 3 days the money is gone and then expects us to pay her bills and give her a ride to and from work because she has fines she can't pay and doesn't own a vehicle. Really? but the enabler in me did it because for some stupid reason I felt guilty and other people were like she is your daughter help her do whatever you can. NO we have had enough, me and my husband fight all the time and now its to the point of him moving out; I will not have that because of her and she won't leave because she has no place to go but I can't deal with it no longer. She has put us in so much debt because of the court cases and the lieing that I don't know if we can ever retire but I do know that I don't want to live like this anymore and as much as it hurts me I have to let her go. By the way she has been violent and just not a very nice person, the police have been called numerous times last year but not this year so I thought she has changed but apparently not. I need guidance or if any of you could tell me how you handled this situation if you had to it would be much appreciated. Heartbroken but just can't take it anymore. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, yes its heartwrenching but we found my 19 year old daughter throwing a pill party under our roof and made her leave and she didnt originally have anywhere to go either. We wanted to nip it early and not help her use drugs. She used meth and cocaine and looked like death, but would not accept help. We had two younger kids who were scared of her and afraid of the cops. It was very hard, but we made her go..and she quit! She got no car, no money from us and the person who took her in was very tough and and told her if she didnt work, pay rent, help in the house and smoke 100% outdoors she would be out in the streets. She got a job, walked to and from work in the Chicago cold, met a non criminal guy, quit even cigarettes and meth and coke and turned her life around. She started using at 12.

    Our thinking was we had to protect the rest of us and that Daughter would probably die or go to prison if she didnt quit. She was always claiming she quit and we were always fooled. She hid her drug use well and used mostly at night so we were asleep. Clearly kind loving care hadnt helped her so we tried tough love and for her it worked.

    You do your 28 year old full adult daughter no good by paying her bills, ruining your retirement and marriage and allowing her to abuse you under your roof.it doesnt help HER either. She is 28 as depebdent and entitled as a toddler who throws tantrums. She may always be this way, but she may decide its not fun being a homeless drug addict. She wont grow up in your home or it would have happened already.

    Dont feel guilty. She is 28 not 8. Every dime you give her, everything you pay for gives her more money to buy drugs. Plus she has learned to disrespect you, even harm you under your own roof. How dare she. You loved her dearly and she treats you badly...

    Please think about yourself and your husband first. You are important. You matter. Nobody, not even a beloved adult child has the right to hurt you or steal from you or cuss at you or demand your hard earned money. This is domestic abuse. Its as hprrible as if a husband did these things. Would you accept thus from anyone else? Do you have other children eho get short on your attention because this one takes all your energy?

    I send you light and love and wish you courage. Please take good care of yourself and let go of daughters life. Let her live and learn. Or not. Her decisions are her problem, not yours. I recommend stop bailing her out and throwing money at her that wont help her. Take back your house and make it your sanctuary :). Take your life back.

    Have you gone to Al Anon? Therapy? Many of us, including me, get so much out of Al Anon and/or therapy. Dont try to do this without help to validate and support you.
     
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    Last edited: May 11, 2017
  3. coach

    coach New Member

    While reading your post I was like yes you are right. I will probably have to go to court to get her evicted but again its her call either leave on your own or get evicted. Thank you:brokenheart:
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter didnt know about eviction and neither did I. She just left. To be fair and honest, even while using drugs my daughter was kind which made it harder to do it. I cried for weeks.

    Twelve years later, she is going grear, has the same partner she met back then, a gorgeous little munchkin whom I love to death, a house, a two year college certificate etc. She thinks it was good for her that we made her leave, although she hated me at the time and it about ripped me apart.

    If your daughter hurts you again, you can get a restraining irder. I am no legal expert. But maybe she would have to leave if you get a restraining order.
     
    Last edited: May 11, 2017
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Coach!

    It's time to take back control of your life and your home.

    As we say around here, nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Your daughter will not change while living under your roof. Things are just the way she wants them to be.

    You can't expect her to just decide to start paying her own bills when she can get you to do it for her.

    You can't expect her to treat you well when she can get away with treating you badly.

    You can't expect her to give up her lifestyle when you allow her to continue doing it.

    Come on over to the water cooler and post on the thread "Are you taking care of you".

    Start taking care of you for a change.

    You deserve it!

    Appl
     
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  6. coach

    coach New Member

    Why is life so damn hard when you have difficult children??? My son who is 35 is doing great and she always says if I were like him you would love me more or you love him more; again lies to get me to feel guilty which now I refuse to do... She is going to have a rude awakening when I am not working and run into her on Saturday to let her know the "new" rules of the house - which will not include her anymore.... crossing fingers hopefully I will not have to go to court over this.... Thank you
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Manipulation on her part, to keep you dancing to her tune, Coach.

    I bet at least 50% of the parents here have heard that same line from their difficult child.

    It's not even original.

    Let us know how it goes when you talk to your daughter.

    Stay with us and post.

    It helps.
     
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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Coach, I have four adult kids and two grands and I love them all to death. But i dont like them all the same. One has a problematic, difficult temperament and we are still as close as you can be to a difficult adult child two states away. But I think my other three adult kids are kinder. They are certainly kinder to me. For example, i will be shocked if Oldest thinks beyond himself enough to remember Mothers day and Im so used to his forgetting things unrelated to himself that I dont even feel bad about it as long as my other three kindhearted adult kids remember. And of course they WILL.

    Its not about love. Its about like. And its human nature to like people who are nice to us more thsn those who are not. Love is different from like. Dont allow Daughter to manipulate you. You both need distance from one another and you in my opinion could do better taking great care of the oly person you can control...YOU!
     
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  9. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Coach I enabled as well for many years and it wasn't until I completely changed my reaction to all of the dysfunction that change actually started to come about. As long as you allow yourself to be treated as a doormat, they will continue to do so. Take back your life, work at saving your marriage, and let her go. She will come back in her time. SWOT....you are such a wonderful counsel...how I wish I had met you years ago. You are a true role model for all of us on this forum!!!!!
     
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  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Wisernow...thank you. I just share what I did and how it worked for my daughter. But I was hardly strong or a role model when I did it. I was a quivering hot mess, devestated that my daughter would end up dead. I just had the opposite reaction to many here. I felt I had to do this and stick to this if i wanted to save my daughters life. My money, comfort, understanding, love and offers of help was not changing anything so I listened to Al Anon and my counselor and got lucky. To her credit Daughter is a basically strong and extremely bright and loving young woman. Not all difficult kids have those assets to help them.

    Wisernore, I really enjoy your posts and you bring much wisdom. Nobody can guarantee an adilt child will be ok, but I do feel YOU will be okay. And thats important because you are precious and special too. We all are. Glad I "met" you on here.
     
  11. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Coach

    So sorry to hear of your plight which is the plight of many of us here who were blessed enough to find this forum!

    Take back your life and your home. Don't allow it for one more minute!!

    We have a happy home now and our 21 year old son is finding his way. He was young but we had to send him away because he wasn't growing up in our home either. It's truly heartbreaking - I know.