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Coach I enabled as well for many years and it wasn't until I completely changed my reaction to all of the dysfunction that change actually started to come about.  As long as you allow yourself to be treated as a doormat, they will continue to do so.  Take back your life, work at saving your marriage, and let her go. She will come back in her time.   SWOT....you are such a wonderful counsel...how I wish I had met you years ago.  You are a true role model for all of us on this forum!!!!!