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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 155962" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>A lot of the behavior really is pretty normal for the ages involved. What makes it frightening for you is the simple fact that the other girls have had so much adult information already thrown at them. Believe it or not, having a lookout is actually pretty normal in games like this. Last thing you want is to get caught.</p><p> </p><p>Let your sister handle her kids. Your H is doing fine in his consequences for Aly. The ones to blame are the adults who damaged your sister's kids. You let Aly know why the behavior was inappropriate although it sounds like she was not comfortable to begin with or she wouldn't have been crying and talk to husband about it.</p><p> </p><p>My daughter was sexually abused pre-adoption. It took several years to turn her into an innocent. There was no TV if I was not there to watch it with her. There was no unsupervised play. There was a lot of therapy to help her work through her feelings. She did behave inappropriately in pre-school, kindergarten and first grade. I would not let the teachers punish her in any way for this behavior. I would, however, pick her up from school and have a discussion about why her body was private and other ways she could play that were appropriate for her age. For me, there were no other repercussions.</p><p> </p><p>Aly, however, was not abused pre-adoption. That makes her behavior basically that of a child who was curious and probably coerced into this behavior by the other children. The fact that she was older is irrelevant. I've seen 8 YOs with the sophistication, knowledge and manipulative skills of a 15 YO. Your daughter is not one of those. It sounds like the 8 YO is.</p><p> </p><p>You have so much anger towards Aly it is painful. I understand she has not treated you the way you expected/wanted to be treated. She also has some severe mental illnesses. I truly don't think she treats you the way she does because she wants to. I also wonder just how much respect you give her. Does your voice, facial expressions give away your pain and frustration? Do you manage to find many kind words to give her? Do you honestly notice when she is not being rude to you or do you focus on her nastiness? She's going to prove you right, you know. If you think she is ill-tempered, rude, obnoxious, she's going to be exactly that for you. She loves and needs you. She'll do whatever she can to get your attention and negative attention is better than no attention.</p><p> </p><p>She is going through major hormonal changes. On top of that, she has to sense your anger and frustration. Add that you left her and took J with you, you have got to have a little girl that is extremely hurt. You expect her to act her age. I don't think she is capable of that. She is acting her mental age. That's the best she can do.</p><p> </p><p>Please don't get me wrong. I understand your pain, anger, frustration towards Aly. She's hurt you physically and emotionally. You have a right to be angry and upset with her. However, you need to temper that anger and try to remember this is a very hurt little girl. Not a pre-teen, not a child becoming a woman, but a child growing into a body that doesn't fit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 155962, member: 3626"] A lot of the behavior really is pretty normal for the ages involved. What makes it frightening for you is the simple fact that the other girls have had so much adult information already thrown at them. Believe it or not, having a lookout is actually pretty normal in games like this. Last thing you want is to get caught. Let your sister handle her kids. Your H is doing fine in his consequences for Aly. The ones to blame are the adults who damaged your sister's kids. You let Aly know why the behavior was inappropriate although it sounds like she was not comfortable to begin with or she wouldn't have been crying and talk to husband about it. My daughter was sexually abused pre-adoption. It took several years to turn her into an innocent. There was no TV if I was not there to watch it with her. There was no unsupervised play. There was a lot of therapy to help her work through her feelings. She did behave inappropriately in pre-school, kindergarten and first grade. I would not let the teachers punish her in any way for this behavior. I would, however, pick her up from school and have a discussion about why her body was private and other ways she could play that were appropriate for her age. For me, there were no other repercussions. Aly, however, was not abused pre-adoption. That makes her behavior basically that of a child who was curious and probably coerced into this behavior by the other children. The fact that she was older is irrelevant. I've seen 8 YOs with the sophistication, knowledge and manipulative skills of a 15 YO. Your daughter is not one of those. It sounds like the 8 YO is. You have so much anger towards Aly it is painful. I understand she has not treated you the way you expected/wanted to be treated. She also has some severe mental illnesses. I truly don't think she treats you the way she does because she wants to. I also wonder just how much respect you give her. Does your voice, facial expressions give away your pain and frustration? Do you manage to find many kind words to give her? Do you honestly notice when she is not being rude to you or do you focus on her nastiness? She's going to prove you right, you know. If you think she is ill-tempered, rude, obnoxious, she's going to be exactly that for you. She loves and needs you. She'll do whatever she can to get your attention and negative attention is better than no attention. She is going through major hormonal changes. On top of that, she has to sense your anger and frustration. Add that you left her and took J with you, you have got to have a little girl that is extremely hurt. You expect her to act her age. I don't think she is capable of that. She is acting her mental age. That's the best she can do. Please don't get me wrong. I understand your pain, anger, frustration towards Aly. She's hurt you physically and emotionally. You have a right to be angry and upset with her. However, you need to temper that anger and try to remember this is a very hurt little girl. Not a pre-teen, not a child becoming a woman, but a child growing into a body that doesn't fit. [/QUOTE]
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