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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 294288" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>miche, I am sorry things are so rough. I remember those days very vividly and still wonder how we survived them.</p><p></p><p>I think pulling everything out of her room except a mattress (I put the mattress by itself on the floor so she has fewer places to hide things and she can't 'break' the bed frame, footboard or headboard), a light (preferably a ceiling light), and a dresser. Make sure she has 10 outfits or so. Her favorite clothes should NOT be in there. they should be kept put up for special occasions so she doesn't destroy them. If she is able to dump her dresser over, then fasten it to the wall or replace it with one of those $20 3 drawer plastic bin thingys. She won't ruin her "good" dresser, won't hurt herself by pulling it over or dropping a drawer on her foot.</p><p></p><p>Make sure that she has her "lovey" whether it is blankie, stuffed animal, etc... . One of the things we PROMISED - and even wrote down and posted on both sides of his bedroom door - was that his lovey would NEVER be taken away for any reason. I had to make a special point of it a few years later when he went into a psychiatric hospital, but I refused to leave him there if they didn't have a doctor write orders that it would NOT be taken away for ANY reason. They let him keep it after I cut the back open, removed the music box, and stitched it shut (thank HEAVEN for the little sewing kit in my purse!).</p><p></p><p>Let her know she can EARN things back. Chances are she won't want to, but that is OK at this point. At least she won't get hurt if you make her stay in her room until she calms. Chances are that she DOES care but cannot show you that for some reason. Our kids are very complex. </p><p></p><p>I know all the supernanny type shows have "unruly" and "wild" kids who are "fixed" with the time out routine. difficult children do not respond much to this. Don't feel bad, we ALL have gone through this, esp after the supernanny shows came on - everyone then assumed we parents just were not doing it right. Hogwash!</p><p></p><p>I think having husband sit difficult child down and explain to her that abusing HIS WIFE is not acceptable. And that he WILL give her whatever consequence you and he decide on beforehand. He needs to stress how much he loves you, how much he loves her, how strongly he feels about his wife being abused by ANYONE. Chances are it will be the FIRST time she really thinks about you and husband as having a relationship with each other as spouses, rather than as just being her mommy and her daddy.</p><p></p><p>AFTER he tells her how upset and disappointed he is, then you need to enter the room and teh discussion. Just remember that "normal" kids can usually process the discussion that equals about 1 minute per year of child's age. So a six year old should NOT get lectures that last more than 6 mins. OUR kids are NOT "normal" so they process for an amt of time much less than 1 mi per year of age. I use a guideline of age minus 3 mins. Be quick, be firm but loving, and don't get drawn into an argument. </p><p></p><p>I think that Dr. Douglas Riley's new book will be very helpful to you. It is called "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and Dr Riley has a discussion about it on the early childhood forum. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is also very very helpful if you haven't already read it.</p><p></p><p>I was a screaming mom. I grew up in a family that had LOUD fights, mostly between my dad and my gfgbro, but mom was in there too. so that is what I learned. I picked up "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill. It was AWESOME. I was able to figure out when I was about to blow up and I learned ways to keep from blowing up. As I became less volatile, so did my family. Now Wiz still raged and tantrummed but even he was less intense when he blew up.</p><p></p><p>Take some time this weekend to do something WITHOUT the kids. Move, long walk, manicure, pedicure, take a book to a coffee shop - whatever floats your boat. Do this on a regular basis if at all possible.</p><p></p><p>Sending gentle hugs to you. </p><p></p><p>Susie</p><p></p><p>ps. If you get the books from amazon, you can go through the link on the right side of the page here and it helps support the site!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 294288, member: 1233"] miche, I am sorry things are so rough. I remember those days very vividly and still wonder how we survived them. I think pulling everything out of her room except a mattress (I put the mattress by itself on the floor so she has fewer places to hide things and she can't 'break' the bed frame, footboard or headboard), a light (preferably a ceiling light), and a dresser. Make sure she has 10 outfits or so. Her favorite clothes should NOT be in there. they should be kept put up for special occasions so she doesn't destroy them. If she is able to dump her dresser over, then fasten it to the wall or replace it with one of those $20 3 drawer plastic bin thingys. She won't ruin her "good" dresser, won't hurt herself by pulling it over or dropping a drawer on her foot. Make sure that she has her "lovey" whether it is blankie, stuffed animal, etc... . One of the things we PROMISED - and even wrote down and posted on both sides of his bedroom door - was that his lovey would NEVER be taken away for any reason. I had to make a special point of it a few years later when he went into a psychiatric hospital, but I refused to leave him there if they didn't have a doctor write orders that it would NOT be taken away for ANY reason. They let him keep it after I cut the back open, removed the music box, and stitched it shut (thank HEAVEN for the little sewing kit in my purse!). Let her know she can EARN things back. Chances are she won't want to, but that is OK at this point. At least she won't get hurt if you make her stay in her room until she calms. Chances are that she DOES care but cannot show you that for some reason. Our kids are very complex. I know all the supernanny type shows have "unruly" and "wild" kids who are "fixed" with the time out routine. difficult children do not respond much to this. Don't feel bad, we ALL have gone through this, esp after the supernanny shows came on - everyone then assumed we parents just were not doing it right. Hogwash! I think having husband sit difficult child down and explain to her that abusing HIS WIFE is not acceptable. And that he WILL give her whatever consequence you and he decide on beforehand. He needs to stress how much he loves you, how much he loves her, how strongly he feels about his wife being abused by ANYONE. Chances are it will be the FIRST time she really thinks about you and husband as having a relationship with each other as spouses, rather than as just being her mommy and her daddy. AFTER he tells her how upset and disappointed he is, then you need to enter the room and teh discussion. Just remember that "normal" kids can usually process the discussion that equals about 1 minute per year of child's age. So a six year old should NOT get lectures that last more than 6 mins. OUR kids are NOT "normal" so they process for an amt of time much less than 1 mi per year of age. I use a guideline of age minus 3 mins. Be quick, be firm but loving, and don't get drawn into an argument. I think that Dr. Douglas Riley's new book will be very helpful to you. It is called "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" and Dr Riley has a discussion about it on the early childhood forum. The Explosive Child by Ross Greene is also very very helpful if you haven't already read it. I was a screaming mom. I grew up in a family that had LOUD fights, mostly between my dad and my gfgbro, but mom was in there too. so that is what I learned. I picked up "She's Gonna Blow: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill. It was AWESOME. I was able to figure out when I was about to blow up and I learned ways to keep from blowing up. As I became less volatile, so did my family. Now Wiz still raged and tantrummed but even he was less intense when he blew up. Take some time this weekend to do something WITHOUT the kids. Move, long walk, manicure, pedicure, take a book to a coffee shop - whatever floats your boat. Do this on a regular basis if at all possible. Sending gentle hugs to you. Susie ps. If you get the books from amazon, you can go through the link on the right side of the page here and it helps support the site! [/QUOTE]
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