help!

[bottomofthebarrel]

My step son is out of control. He is 11 now and over the years that i have known and what i understand of him before i was in the picture he has become considerably worse. I have been on a sole cruisade for the last five years to get people to look with both their eyes at this little boy and to try and get people to realise that it wasn't ADHD or ADD that it is something much more serious and very concerning. He is currently in his 6th school in six years and we finally have a school that has only known him for six weeks but can see through him as though they have known him for years. Progress. His dad was always taking his side, backing him, protecting him until he was expelled from the previous school for killing a bearded dragon in front of his peers. We were afraid of what his capable of doing next. We didn't want to send him to another school in fear of what he might do. He stayed at his grandmother's for a week to give us a break, clear our head until he slaughtered three of their chickens by slicing their throats and watching them bleed to death. We begged CYMHS to help us but were told we had to send him back to school and that perhaps our parenting skills could be looked at. We are afraid for our other two children (Rosie 9 and Matthias 3 1/2), our 3 yr old doesn't sleep in his room because we don't know if the 11yr old is capable of harming him. His dad has finally seen him for what he really is. We are in constant contact with youth workers from Redcliffe, the local police have him on file because of recent events where he ran away screaming that he hated me and that he wasn't coming home because I'd hurt him. He was on a five day suspension for punching kids in the throat and attempting to take on the school principal before he was restrained by the Behaviouir Management teacher. The police were involved because i made the decision to call them because two neighbours had complained about him - throwing glass and rocks at them and into their pool, verbally abusing them. We are also working with CYFOS - who deal with children and adults that kill/hurt/torture animals and people. After Tuesday's meeting we are now looking at having placed somewhere for assessment. He is back at school today. My partner, his father is torn. He keeps questioning himself over the decision and of his parenting skills. I'm his step mother and i don't have that emotional attachment to him so i am finding it easier to be able to accept the decision. I believe it is our last hope to help him before it's too late and he is possibly lost forever to the prison system. I need help for my partner. We are argueing again over him and i think he really needs other parents going through the same thing to talk to. Please if anyone knows of a support group to physically go to on the north side of Brisbane please can you let us know - I am desperate.

 

[brendan]

OMG! I am so sorry. Is he on any medications? My difficult child used to harm animals/people also. He recently stopped his compulsions after getting on Ritalin. I'm sorry I don't know of any support groups. I know other people here have a lot more experience than me on what to do. We are trying to get our son to a neuropsychologist and get a thorough evaluation. Maybe you can consider that? Does he go to any therapists/psychiatrists? My heart goes out to you. ((Hugs))

Michelle

 

[Marguerite]

Welcome.

First, some urgent advice - do not use real names here. You need anonymity if not now, then maybe later on. It's also a lot easier to vent about family; school; child; teachers doctors if you have not put in signposts for them to find what you've written.

Now, to help - it's good that the current school see through him. You are right to be concerned. His behaviour could be the product of the mess his life has been so far (including an enabling father) or it could be something else, something difficult to deal with.

You are a step-parent, which greatly limits what you can do. Technically, you shouldn't be doing anything, it should be his father dealing with all this. He needs to be kept well-informed and in the loop or when things get tight, he will excuse his son again and move him on. So the kid learns that there are no consequences and you can always escape your responsibilities.

As a start, I would talk to the school and especially the Behaviour Team. Ask their advice and then follow it.

As for people here being able to advise you on support groups in Brisbane - sorry, I'm one of the few Aussies and I'm in Sydney anyway. But here again, the behaviour team could help. Also try calling any support links in your area. The major public hospitals are worth a try - ask for their Pediatric Mental Health Team and ask them for advice. If they are no go (or there isn't one) then do you have LifeLine in Queensland? I've had good advice from them when I've rung in desperation. There is no shame in calling LifeLine, but they do tend to snap into counsellor mode until you say, "I need practical advice on finding an appropriate support network in our area."

Anyway, welcome to the site. We do have a wide range of issues here, not all will match your situation. But there are other step-parents here with similar problems, so you are in good company.

Marg

 

[Bunny]

Hello, and welcome.

If your step son has never been evaluated by anyone he needs to be evaluated NOW. See if you can find the name of a good neruopsych and make an appointment for as soon as you can. This needs to be addressed before he winds up in jail. If you don't know where to get the name of doctor call your pediatrician or the counselors at your step son's school. Ask them to point you in the right direction because it's obvious that you need help.

Pam

 

[BusynMember]

I adopted a foster child who was 11 and had had a VERY rocky history, including multiple caregivers, drugs in the home and before he was born, and probably sexual abuse. He put on a good act around adults, but he was a budding psychopath and I found out that there are three signs that are pretty much the rule for all people who grow up to have antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy): 1/plays with fire/obsession with fire 2/inappropriate pooping and peeing 3/harming animals.

This child killed two of our dogs, but he was so good at acting good that we didn't think it was him who had done it until the second dog. We found out later that this kid, only 13 years old after having been with us for two years, had been sexually abusing our younger kids (also adopted) for as long as he'd been with us and my kids had been so afraid of him, they thought he'd kill everyone in the family by burning the house down if they spilled the beans. CPS came and we told them to take him. We haven't seen him since. Kids who kill animals are scary and definitely that is a red flag for something very serious. Did he have a crazy early life, being tossed from parent to parent? Did Mom have a boyfriend who abused him? Is Mom a psychopath herself?
Either way, this kid is seriously not right. Dad is in mucho denial. He can't make excuses for the kid. in my opinion he needs a setting outside of the home. If you have any other kids there or animals, he is at high risk to hurt them. Whether or not this child can be helped, I do not know, but he has treaded on very dangerous territory when he killed those chickens. How many other animals has he killed when you weren't there? My adopted son had tried to kill or had killed many animals, but we didn't know it (hub and I). Daughter says she caught him trying to choke a neighbor cat and she startled him so he let the cat go. Also, my oldest daughter's cat disappeared one day...he never came home. I'm sure he killed that cat. Please be careful and smart, even if your hub will not. (((Hugs))).

 

[Marguerite]

I just went back and re-read in detail. I still stand by my advice, but with stronger emphasis for you to call the public hospital's Mental Health Team. Today. It may help to have some ideas before Tuesday's meeting.

Whatever choices need to be made, his father has to own them and be able to follow through, It will be hard, because at any suggestion of being sent anywhere (even if just for assessment) the boy will beg and plead.

If he will, get your husband to lurk here or post here. Despite our comments about denial (which, under the circumstances is very natural - as MidWestMom indicated, they also were in denial about their adopted son, for a long time). We can help him understand that sometimes these things happen and it's not a blame issue; first task is to identify the problem and to get help. My husband lurks here too, and even though I would have said we are thoroughly on the same wavelength, having him read every post I make and also what other people have written, has given us an intense focus for whatever issues we are dealing with; he gets all the info in concentrated form and has time to think about it as he travels home form work. At home we talk about it. Or sometimes we communicate via threads here! The rule is though, do't bag him out verbally here. Not if you want him to be able to work with you in this. But that is just plain commonsense.

So if he is also desperate for help and answers, direct him here. And for both of you - push guilt aside, it only slows you down. Even if you think it is deserved - there is plenty of time for recriminations, AFTER you get the help you need. And you may find there is nothing anybody did to cause this. Or you may find it could have been prevented - but again, 20:20 hindsight is a wonderful thing, I wish we could bottle it and use it retrospectively. But we can't. Life has to move on and we deal with what we have to deal with.

Marg

 

[Lisasellsquick]

My son is 10 years old and has started 4 attemts playing with fire stared with burning light switches then burning paper then the most resent burning the carpet in his bedroom.

 

[Liahona]

Bottomofthebarrel: If he were my son I'd be getting him out the house and into treatment as soon as possible. I could not stop my difficult child 1 from hurt the other kids. I put him into a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) (very hard sending my son away), but it has been the best thing for him. He is very different now.

Something else we did when he was hurting the other kids was to make him a shadow. This means in my line of sight at all times. Not to the side of me, or in the same room, but in front of me.

Something else we've done is have him upstairs and everyone else downstairs. We put an alarm on his door so he couldn't sneak through the house at night. When I had to go to the bathroom I'd have him go in his room and then if I heard that alarm I knew I'd better be off fast.

You're other kids need to be safe. If he is hurting animals that much he is probably hurting your kids as well. I hope you have help.

Lisasellsquick: you might want to start your own thread, you'll get more responses that way.

welcome to the board both of you.

 

[Marguerite]

Folks, this is a fossil thread. Our friend started it nearly a year ago and has not been back it seems.

Marg