Her idea of an apology.... am I wrong?

[Signorina]

You've gotten very good advice in this thread. I agree it was not an apology-it was definitely a passive aggressive dig designed to save face.
I am intrigued by her desire to go to the psychiatrist with you to discuss your difficult child. I'd explore that idea with- the psychiatrist. Not because you have to justify your parenting style -- or provide "proof of diagnosis." I might approach it from an "enlighten grandma", an outside 3rd party advocating for difficult child to his grandma, teaching HER the coping skills for dealing w difficult child, backing up YOU. Overall, it could be a good thing. She sounds narcissistic-and being brought in to see the psychiatrist will make her feel important AND could turn her into an ally. Worth a thought...

 

[DDD]

Unlike Signoria I would not include her in a meeting with psychiatrist. Why? Primarily because it takes years to really "get" difficult child issues. Just like there is no quick fix there are no quick answers. I'd be afraid that she would pick and choose what she heard and then feel compelled to share it with every Tom Dick and Harry in town. She also, likely, would want to discuss it with your difficult child. Ugh. I think it would be opening a Pandora's Box. DDD

 

[TeDo]

I'd be afraid that she would pick and choose what she heard .............. I think it would be opening a Pandora's Box. DDD

That is part of the reason I have no intention of including her. The BIGGER part is that she doesn't really want confirmation (that is just the ruse). My mom plays mind games all the time. Her REAL pupose for wanting to go, based on her dog-with-a-bone thing about discipline, is to try to get psychiatrist to agree with her about disciplining difficult child. She is utterly convinced that I don't discipline (punish!) difficult child AT ALL "because he is disabled" when nothing could be farther from the truth. I don't "punish" a lot but I do discipline and teach but not in front of her. difficult child's anxiety around her is such that saying a word in front of her will cause a meltdown so we deal with it later and it works for us. She is wrong but wants the psychiatrist to agree with her based on her "assumptions". If she don't see it, it didn't happen (but only as it applies to me).

 

[hearts and roses]

I do not think that was a real apology, but does it even matter really?

The bottom line - for me - would be to set up boundaries FOR YOURSELF AND CHILDREN. No need to advertise what they are, just enact them. Put up a strong boundary and use it when necessary. If mom begins to spout off about what she thinks, excuse yourself and leave, or hang up or whatever. If she says, "Oh now you're not going to listen to anything I have to say? My opinion doesn't count?" you reply, NICELY, "No, mom, it really doesn't. These are my children and I get to parent them my way, without your input" and then go about your life. And if she asks in front of the kids to go out to eat, don't feel bad about saying no - make another plan, do something else with the kids, go bake cookies or go to the park, or something. Why subject yourself to a meal with your mom while you're chest is tight and you have a fire in your belly? It's not healthy.

Your/Our parents have no say in the way in which we choose to parent, they do not get to be a part of therapist or psychiatrist appts, they don't get to give opinions unless asked. And if they give them without being asked, we can choose to ignore them.

This is YOUR problem, not your moms. She is NOT going to change her mode of operation - but you can change your reaction to her. Like Susie did with her brother, just cut him off. Her case may be more sever than yours, I don't know, but it's a good example.

This is about self preservation and protecting yourself and your family. No more emails, phone calls, talking about it with your sister, etc. Just stop the madness and refuse to discuss any of these issues with your mom or sister. They will get the point. Eventually. When difficult child was little and first showing difficulties, I talked about with exh and his family because I thought it was important for all of us to be on the same page, thinking that they would be on board and follow my lead, be cooperative because, well, I am the parent. Not so much. I caught so much garbage and unsolicited advice and was questioned from here to China about choices we made for difficult child's care. I just stopped. When they'd ask, I would lie. I'd just say, "She's doing good" or "Everything's fine, thanks" and stopped talking with them about anything. It was difficult at times, but I had to do it that way.

Gosh, big hugs, I know how difficult this is.

 

[DaisyFace]

TeDo--

Under ordinary circumstances, I would NOT consider this an apology...

But after watching my difficult child daughter issue several similar "apologies" - I am beginning to wonder if there is an apology and then a "difficult child Version" apology.

Sounds like you received the "difficult child Version".

And at the end of the day....it really comes down to you. If you want to continue a relationship with a difficult child (even if the difficult child is your Mom)...then you have to accept that the "difficult child Version" is probably the best apology you are going to get.