Here we go again!

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Sherydoc3, Feb 26, 2018.

  1. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Here we go again! Our son is back in our home. It was our decision. He said he was no longer welcome at his "friends" place, so we let him come back.

    Of course we gave him more rules to be able to stay. Make an appointment with his counselor and lawyer, and be respectful.

    We suspect him of using meth. Does anyone have experience with this drug? Extremely agitated! Especially towards me! This is not our son! He just seems empty!

    He is off of work today and is supposed to be taking care of making his appointments. I'm at home, my husband is at work. Our son has done nothing yet, but has told his father that he has showered and called into work for his schedule for the week. Lies! I called him on his phone (from downstairs) and confronted him and he was extremely angry with me. I haven't heard any movement from him since. Except for a few loud bangs!

    Just venting, or else I will go crazy! This is not my son we are dealing with!
     
  2. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Just found out that he was fired from his job. He did make his appointments that needed to be scheduled. I'm trying to find the positive.
     
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We told our son rehab or out and he did go. This is after many years of rehab/relapse. Wash/rinse/repeat.

    You can see by my signature we have been through the mill.

    He is too old to be acting like this period and you should not be afraid in your own home. I know I will never live like that again for anyone. Love says no.

    I suggest getting into therapy ASAP with someone that specializes in addiction to maneuver your situation. That is what I did and it helped tremendously.

    It does not mean that you do not love your son. It means that you are not letting him drug in your home. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    More will be along but I do wish you the best. This is not easy.
     
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  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Sherydoc.

    Meth does cause agitation and lots of other negative emotions. In my experience, both with my own mom and the parents on this board, what we suspect is unfortunately usually true.

    It could be that your son was fired much earlier than he let on, and perhaps that's why he had to find another place to live.

    I'm sorry, but I don't know your back story. I see from your signature that you have given him the choice to get help or move out, and that he is adamant about not going to rehab. How bad do you think his drug use is? Do you think forcing rehab in exchange for your help is appropriate?

    What do you expect from him, in exchange for providing him a place to stay? What happens if he doesn't adhere to those expectations? I think having some ground rules firmly in place is really important. Even if they don't follow the rules, at least it will cut down on second-guessing ourselves when it's time for them to go.

    How do you and your husband feel about allowing him to move home? Is it a decision made from the FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) that our troubled kids know how to tap into, or do you expect him to use your generosity to his betterment? I think these are really important questions to ask, because you are taking on a lot.

    I will not ever let my son move back in with us, because I am a world-class FOG machine. Living with us is not good for my son and it is not good for us.

    Having said that, I said many times I would not ever let my son move back in with us, and I did it anyway. Ultimately we can only do what we are comfortable with, what we can live with. I wish you the best, and I hope your son decides to make some positive changes.
     
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Oh and my son had depression and anxiety too. I think 80% of these "kids" do.

    Drugs don't help that's for sure!!
     
  6. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    My son also has anxiety and depression. Does it seem that there are more boys suffering from this than girls? Or is it just me?
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It seems that it is mostly boys on this forum. I used to feel awful for my son but then I realized it was an excuse to use drugs.

    He is not on any medications now for either and seems fine. So there you go!
     
  8. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Well RN, we are just sitting here waiting for our son to come home. We went out to go fishing with "friend" because he said that he couldn't sit around the house all day. We are planning on drug testing him to see what we are actually dealing with.
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So many have said here, we're in a frenzy and to them it's just another Monday (Tuesday, Wednesday...you get it.). He's fishing....
     
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Shery
    Meth oft times will not show up on drug tests.
    Read all you can about meth. It is highly addictive, one of those “one try” drugs and a person is hooked. It makes people feel like Superman when they are high, they don’t sleep for days on the stuff. Then, when they come down, they cannot function. Agitation and irritation are common.
    My two daughters are on meth. They swore up and down that they weren’t, but the signs were all there. I didn’t see it.
    They stole from our wallets, pawned what few heirloom pieces I had from my Nana since I was a child, stole their father’s stash of gold jewelry he had treasure hunted, 25 years. Gone.
    Of course it “wasn’t them”.
    They were classic in manipulation and triangulation, driving a wedge between my hubs and I. He was the good guy, I was the bad guy.
    My eldest was diagnosed with depression before she used meth. Her sister was a wild child after puberty, hanging out with an older girl, smoking pot and who knows what else? She became pregnant at 15, then had two more of my grands with the same drugging, psychotic baby daddy. They were on and off the CPS watchlist, we had the grandbabies when they were taken away.
    Both sisters were in and out our door for at least 10 or so years.........then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was going down the rabbit hole with them.
    Nothing we did truly helped them choose better. In fact, they got worse. Expected more, broke into our home, had a habit of just helping themselves to whatever they pleased.
    They seemed to have needed to be out at all hours of the night. They had what I call the meth “uniform” dark glasses, baseball caps and hoodies. I was told that they wear this because their eyes dialate when they are high, the light hurts. They were like zombies at times.
    Everything was my fault, according to them. I fell
    for that for a while, searching the tapes and finding moments I wished I did better. Then I realized I did the best I could. Made mistakes, sure, who doesn’t?
    Shery, be very careful with this. I know you want to help your son, but he has to want help, not just a comfy place to stay.
    Lock up everything of value. Don’t let him drive, he is under the influence.
    I am sorry for the flood of information. Take what is useful and leave the rest.
    I just have alarm bells when it comes to meth.
    It literally drugnapped my daughters. I have turned them back over to God. It is too much for me to handle. I pray all the time for them to find their potential.
    After so many years of this, the chaos and drama, I realized that I am not the one to “cure” them.

    If your son refuses to follow your rules and respect your home, what can you do?
    Hopefully, he will.
    Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
    I wish I had a success story about my daughters meth use. They are still out there drifting.
    It is not to say that other posters adult children will not turn the corner.
    Just a gentle reminder to you and anyone following along to take care of you. Find a counselor, go to meetings, read up and build your toolbox.
    This is hard, heartwrenching stuff and you must strengthen yourself for whatever lies on this path.
    When you focus on your health, your stress level, enforce rules that honor the sanctity of your home, you are able to establish healthy boundaries. Self care is not selfish, it is what we wish for our adult children.
    Guard your heart.
    Keep talking with your husband and focus on your relationship. We can get so caught up and entrenched in the drama. It can become the number one issue, which is not healthy for a marriage. Try to be on the same page, but also understand that everybody has their own way of processing.
    My heart goes out to you and your husband.
    Prayers that your son hopefully is not on meth. Remember, it doesn’t always show up on tests, but there are websites to research and look for clues.
    Many warm hugs,
    Leafy
     
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  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    It is 2/3 boy to 1/3 girls statistically. It’s nit just you.
     
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  12. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I do not have experience with meth that i know of anyway. But welcome to this site i am sure you will find people who are familiar. Please be careful to stay safe in your home and if you feel you aren't make him leave. I know that is difficult but your safety is important. Wishing you peace.
     
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Shery

    How did your discussion with your son go?
     
  14. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Hello RN

    Well, it seems that we have alot in common! How old is your son?

    Our son came home relatively early last night. I really did not want a full blown confrontation, so we did not get test him. His mood was calm, maybe when he was out he used something to calm himself. I don't know. He sat down and watched a hockey game with my husband and they talked about superficial things. It was nice to see!

    I know that we are just avoiding the obvious, but yesterday we were just exhausted. Don't worry, we know that this something that needs to be dealt with. We just did what we needed to do for ourselves (hubby and me).
    Thank you so much for responding to my posts! I find them very helpful! How long have you been dealing with your child?
     
  15. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Shery

    My son is 22 and this started at 15. Before that he was adorable and loved by everyone and a true joy.

    I know some days you just cannot deal with it. We see glimmers of hope and "hope" it will stick but then it doesn't. At least that was the case for us.
     
  16. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Same with our son! Funny, loving, everyone loves him! Our son is 23 and it all started at 15 with pot! This situation is absolutely the most heart wrenching that we have gone through.
     
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Tell me about it. It's been hell for us and thankfully our marriage survived.

    He's been out of our home since March of 2016 but will be moving down south with us after he graduates this program IF he has a plan and follows our rules. He doesn't know about move yet.

    He knows he has broken our hearts.
     
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  18. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    So many of us know the absolute heartbreak this is. None of us invisioned this when we brought our sweet boys home from the hospital, when we took the first day of school picture or when we worked on their homework with them. There are many many good and loving parents on here who did a good job parenting!

    There is no room for blame and no point in wondering “what if”.

    This sucks. It hurts and it’s all so very very unfair. I used to compare myself to other moms and wonder what I did wrong. Guess what? I didn’t do anything to cause this. I’m sure you didn’t either.

    Know you are not alone on this hellish journey and have joined a “ moms group” that you didn’t sign up for! On the plus side the wisdom and support for us “ warrior moms” is real and it helps. I spent many sleepless nights here crying and feeling so lost and alone.

    I don’t anymore. I know I’m not alone. I know there is always someone here who understands and doesn’t judge me.

    Keep reading and posting. And hugs to your hurting mom heart. Those words were said to me early on in my time here and they made me feel understood and accepted
     
  19. Onebreathatatime

    Onebreathatatime New Member

    Thank you Colleen! I appreciate your post. Sometimes I do feel alone. Extended family and friends just don't get it and are very judgemental!
     
  20. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Boy, I can relate to this, the exhaustion. I don’t think it is necessarily avoidance, it has to do with timing. It is a tough road to be on and everyone has to pick and choose their own battles, their own course in dealing with this.
    One day, sometimes one moment, one breath, at a time.
    It is a hard place to be. Folks here understand. Some of us are matter of fact and cut to the chase. It is coming from our own experience. Everyone is different and none of us are experts, nor can we tell you what to do. We have opinions and advice, take what you need and leave the rest. We all have to do what we feel we can live with and still be able to look ourselves in the mirror.
    I have learned to share my story with those I think can handle it without being judgmental. For mothers dealing with this, that is the last thing we need. We have probably ripped ourselves apart enough to cover any judgement from others, and nobody can know the hardship unless they have walked in our shoes.
    You are not alone Shery.
    Do what you can, when the time is right, for you.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
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