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Substance Abuse
He's gone & I am heartbroken yet resigned. Need to remember to breathe,
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 500731"><p>Susie, neither of my parents (or any of my grandparents/aunts/uncles etc) were alcoholics, abusers or addicts of any sort. They were social drinkers but never to excess. My brother-the difficult child-was a fairly run of the mill rebellious 1970's teen and my 1950's parents were a little uptight and shell shocked by this unruly 18 yo. I sometimes think he has a ODD type disorder - but in all honesty - volatile personalities are not unusual (tho not excusable) in NY Italians so it could've been learned. I was 10 when he left and I idolized him. My parents wanted to protect me so they told me very little and had protected me from most of his shenanigans. In my immature mind, I thought he had merely broken the rules so they kicked him out. From then I vowed that my own children would grow up in a peaceful household and be surrounded by unconditional love and without judgment. And I stayed true to it (with-in reason) only to realize it didn't make much of a difference for difficult child. Except that he did manage to have a pretty good run until he went away to school-graduated HS with honors and was really happy or at least seemed to be - until Spring Break of his freshman year at which point we noticed he had changed.</p><p></p><p>I AM the adult child of a cancer survivor and perhaps that is what you are picking up. My dad was very. very ill (stage 3B) when I was in HS and it was a very emotional time in my life. After over a year of grueling surgeries and treatment he went into remission. He was well for about 8 years until his cancer treatments brought on heart disease - and he was a man with a compromised immune system and only 1 kidney. He died 25 years post cancer diagnosis (4 years ago) of late, long term complications due to so much radiation and chemotherapy. My brothers are quite a bit older than I and were adults and out of the house when my dad got sick - so it was very much like we were raised in different families. </p><p></p><p>I hate to say that I am looking forward to my therapist appointment - because I am not - but I am looking forward to getting to a better place. I am very drained from difficult child's departure but it was not unexpected like his abrupt departure in August. After he left in August (totally unexpectedly) I tortured myself with all the things I could've/should've/might've/did/didn't say or do. This time, I think I knew he was likely to leave, and I was able to say all the things I had not and do all the things I thought might have made a positive distance. I surrounded him with as much love as I could, his favorite meals, laundry smelling like downy, a stocked fridge & pantry and I made sure he heard all the things I thought I needed to say. And it didn't make a darn bit of difference to him. But they did to me. Because I gave it my best effort and it didn't change a thing. I can't say I have no regrets but I also I know I reached out to him repeatedly in a heartfelt manner and it didn't matter.</p><p></p><p></p><p>PS - and yes - I have heard that difficult child's girlfriend's father is an alcoholic - definitely a country club golfer known to drink A LOT if not an alcoholic - so yes. I think that's part of it. When she and difficult child started dating 4 years ago - more than one friend said to me "you know her dad's known to be a drinker/wildman/I think he's an alcoholic"</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 500731"] Susie, neither of my parents (or any of my grandparents/aunts/uncles etc) were alcoholics, abusers or addicts of any sort. They were social drinkers but never to excess. My brother-the difficult child-was a fairly run of the mill rebellious 1970's teen and my 1950's parents were a little uptight and shell shocked by this unruly 18 yo. I sometimes think he has a ODD type disorder - but in all honesty - volatile personalities are not unusual (tho not excusable) in NY Italians so it could've been learned. I was 10 when he left and I idolized him. My parents wanted to protect me so they told me very little and had protected me from most of his shenanigans. In my immature mind, I thought he had merely broken the rules so they kicked him out. From then I vowed that my own children would grow up in a peaceful household and be surrounded by unconditional love and without judgment. And I stayed true to it (with-in reason) only to realize it didn't make much of a difference for difficult child. Except that he did manage to have a pretty good run until he went away to school-graduated HS with honors and was really happy or at least seemed to be - until Spring Break of his freshman year at which point we noticed he had changed. I AM the adult child of a cancer survivor and perhaps that is what you are picking up. My dad was very. very ill (stage 3B) when I was in HS and it was a very emotional time in my life. After over a year of grueling surgeries and treatment he went into remission. He was well for about 8 years until his cancer treatments brought on heart disease - and he was a man with a compromised immune system and only 1 kidney. He died 25 years post cancer diagnosis (4 years ago) of late, long term complications due to so much radiation and chemotherapy. My brothers are quite a bit older than I and were adults and out of the house when my dad got sick - so it was very much like we were raised in different families. I hate to say that I am looking forward to my therapist appointment - because I am not - but I am looking forward to getting to a better place. I am very drained from difficult child's departure but it was not unexpected like his abrupt departure in August. After he left in August (totally unexpectedly) I tortured myself with all the things I could've/should've/might've/did/didn't say or do. This time, I think I knew he was likely to leave, and I was able to say all the things I had not and do all the things I thought might have made a positive distance. I surrounded him with as much love as I could, his favorite meals, laundry smelling like downy, a stocked fridge & pantry and I made sure he heard all the things I thought I needed to say. And it didn't make a darn bit of difference to him. But they did to me. Because I gave it my best effort and it didn't change a thing. I can't say I have no regrets but I also I know I reached out to him repeatedly in a heartfelt manner and it didn't matter. PS - and yes - I have heard that difficult child's girlfriend's father is an alcoholic - definitely a country club golfer known to drink A LOT if not an alcoholic - so yes. I think that's part of it. When she and difficult child started dating 4 years ago - more than one friend said to me "you know her dad's known to be a drinker/wildman/I think he's an alcoholic" [/QUOTE]
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He's gone & I am heartbroken yet resigned. Need to remember to breathe,
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