Hes ok...starting new thread

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Sep 9, 2008.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Other thread was getting a bit long so I decided to start a new one for this next chapter in my life.

    Cory is now in jail. For how long...I really dont know because I am not the one holding the answers. I have long since given up hope of trying to make sense of our judicial system here. Whenever I try to predict the outcome of something it seems I am proved wrong so I just play a wait and see game. Prepare myself for the worst and dont be too surprised by anything else.

    Tony is going in to talk to the PO some time this week to talk to him about the gun. We shall see what that amounts to. We really dont care what happens as long as we get the gun back. Im not really interested in how much time he gets as long as we get the gun. I really cant see them going through the the hassle of more charges other than simply revoking the probation to be honest. Especially since we are willing to buy the gun back.

    I have told Cory that we wont be taking any phone calls this time and that he should take paper and envelopes. Mandy plans on providing canteen money. I expect that to get old fast especially if he goes to prison but if he goes there it wont be such a problem because he can work and earn his own money.

    I do think Tony and I are going to have a slight problem getting on the same page as far as mandy and leaving. That may take a short time. Maybe she will take it out of our hands and she will just leave.

    Whatever...things should settle down some now. I am pretty numb for right now. Im glad I didnt have to deal with watching him go in. I have done it so many times before that this last time was just too much of a kick in the gut for me. I think it was the knowing what was coming and that it was knowing it would probably be for a very long time. Plus knowing what I had said to him.

    I do hope he does ok.

    Guess I need to change my signature again...sigh.
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Janet, I hope he does ok, too. I hope that the rest of you do ok as well.

    Don't beat yourself up, Janet. You're not perfect and you were pushed to the brink. I can't remember who said it, but they were totally right when they said that Cory said what he said in order to get you off point about his smoking dope in your house. Don't feel guilty about it.

    We have all said horrible things to our kids, and Cory pushed you so much further than most any mother has to put up with. So, you sunk to his level? Your relationship was on tenderhooks in any case. You don't owe him an apology, although I am sure you will give him one, because that's the kind of person you are. A person who cares. And you didn't mean those things even if you did feel them. When some time has passed, and you all know the consequences of Cory's behavior, you will have time to decide what you want to do in the long run. It is sad that you will have plenty of time to wait for that to happen. I wish I could ease that pain for you. But I hope you won't burden yourself with the guilt of words said in anger when it was in all likelihood what Cory was pushing you for. To get you angry enough to forget that he was yet again violating probation in your home.

    How's your pain level?
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Don't go down guilt road. Cory has pushed beyond what any mother could handle without blowing her top. I'm actually amazed that you were able to hold it together as long as you did. As Witz said, we've all lost it on our kids at one time or another. Frankly I think it does them no harm to hear how they make us feel when they push us that far.

    I still think Cory's a good kid at heart. He just has to want to be that person and realize the rules apply to him as well as everyone else. Maybe this latest will finally make that sink in. Who knows?

    I'm glad you didn't have to see him go. I know how terribly hard that is on you. I hope he does ok. And I hope you and Tony do well too. You guys deserve some major down time from the drama. You need some plain ol' REST.

    Many ((((hugs))))
  4. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Wishing you a whole lot of peace and quiet...hope you're feeling all right.
  5. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    Thinking of you -
  6. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Wishing you peace and quiet and some time for yourself, Janet. Hugs and prayers.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Stick to your guns, Janet. He stuck to his guns by consistently doing stupid things. Maybe this will be his wake up call.


  8. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Time to slowly exhale. Sending positive thoughts your way. DDD
  10. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'm glad he's gone. Nothing else to say about that.

    As for you, yes, you said some pretty horrid things. BFD! There isn't a thing you said that he didn't deserve tenfold. We're not talking about a little kid or even a young teen. We're talking about a young man who has stolen from parents several times, who has gone out of his way to hurt his mother, shame his family. It was well past time for you to tell Cory he was out of line and what his actions were doing to all of you. So, let it go. You did no harm and he damn well deserved what you said (plus a lot more).

    I hope there is now some peace in your home, that you get to enjoy being a grandmother, enjoy being YOU. You're a good person and you deserve so much more than you've been getting. HUGS
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Shame Road: closed due to construction.

    Take an alternate route.

    You are a great mom, have been all along for those boys, and you are a great grandma too.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Sending hugs Janet.

    Everyone is right. Don't beat yourself up. And if (when) you do apologize, apologize for the delivery and NOT the content. He went waaaay over a line there and you had every right to go off on him for it.

    As for him being in jail....no one wants their child or loved one to be there but you know what? HE did this. Will this be a wake up call for him? Who knows. But....whatever happens, it's all on HIM. Nothing till this point has stopped him from stealing, lying, etc. and this is his consequence. He knew the possibility was there and if he refused to believe it would actually happen, that's his problem. When you took him to jail the other day and he was crying, was he crying because he was sorry about all that he's done? NO! He was sorry because it finally caught up to him and he's being put someplace that he doesn't want to be. Not to sound coldhearted but too bad, so sad.

    I won't tell you to not worry because I know you will....anyone would. BUT....use this time. You have a chance to live a normal life now. No locking things up within your own home, no altering when/how/where you do things because of HIS restrictions or temptations, enjoy YOUR home again.

    Not even CLOSE to being even remotely the same but.....I can't wait for the day that difficult child moves out. I will constantly worry about whether or not he's taking his medications or eating right, staying out of trouble, keeping his mouth shut in situations that could get his arse kicked....all of that. But I will enjoy having my home and my life back. I will no longer have to lock things up in my own house or hide things that I want to keep. I will be able to have conversations with my husband anytime or anyplace I want without having someone poke his nose into it or get mad because he "knows" we're talking about him when usually we're not. I won't have to worry about if something will turn up missing because I forgot and left it out.

    Enjoy YOUR home, YOUR life, YOUR husband and your grandkids. Enjoy the PEACE.
  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Wishing you peace and quiet also. I always felt at peace when my son was in jail. I know it sounds weird but at least I knew where he was and that he was still alive.
  14. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Janet, I can't add to what the others have said. I know this feels like a death in the family- been there done that. Use this time to try to build up your reserves again. You are strong enough to do this.

  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont even really know how I feel to be honest. Its really kind of odd. Maybe I am numb or resigned or just so detached.

    My emotional response comes from the fact that he is my child and I cant help but have this niggling fear that the reality is there that I could truthfully lose both my younger sons in the next year. Then there is that god awful thinking that shouldnt ever be in a parents heart of...if one dies...why couldnt it be the one that is the "bad kid" and not the one who has done all the right things...ya know? Yes I guess Im bargaining with God. If I have to lose any, lose the right one please. Sad as that is to even think about. I dont want to lose either of them. That isnt what Im saying. I guess it is just where I am at because of the timing of this whole thing.

    I havent said a word to Cory about what he said to me. I wont. Im not sorry for what I said to him. I think he needed to hear that he hit a nerve. I have kept quite a bit from the boys about my childhood because it really wasnt their business and my mom was their grandmother. They also didnt really need to know all about my abuse and previous sexual history in detail. None of their business. I had mentioned in passing when I took the childhood sexual abuse group that I had been molested as a child...nuff said. That should have been enough for anyone not to doubt me. If he had wanted more detail he could have asked in a nice way and I would have told him more but you dont attack me to get the information.

    But that is neither here nor there.

    Really...I think its going to take some time to process this all through. I am still waiting to see how this whole gun thing plays out. If Tony doesnt get his butt in gear and talk to the PO by Friday I am going to get a bit more insistent. I am not going to allow him to let this slide. Not if I have to take him by the hand and force the issue. It has to be done. I am ready to face whatever the consequences are to this. I have steeled myself to this.

    I have already told Cory that I am not opening my phone for phone calls. Dont even try. He took envelopes and stamps. Letters will work just fine. I dont mind writing letters and I can take pictures of Keyana and send them to him. I also dont mind finding out the rules of the jail/prison and see if he can have books send from the publishers and send them. Other than that...he is on his own. Supposedly Mandy is going to do the canteen money. We shall see how long that lasts. If he gets to prison he can work to get his own canteen money. That would be good. Working would be good for him.

    You know what the hardest part is? When people call that havent seen us for several months or longer. They always want to know what is going on with everyone. We have to fill them in on what all the boys are doing and we start with Billy and how he just finished his Hvac course but is still working for Radio Shack, next comes Jamie and how he is still doing great in his Animal Control job but that the Marines have recalled him and he is getting sent over to the sandbox for at least a year...and then there is Cory. Cory is away enjoying the residential placement of the state of NC. Multiple felon. What else can I say?

    My health stinks.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I don't have any wise words. Just wish you weren't so darn far away.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending gentle hugs. I think that Tony may need help to get the gun thing dealt with. I am sorry. I will continue to hope and pray he steps up on that one.

    It is totally understandable about bargaining with God. We KNOW you don't want anything bad to happen to either one of them. But you wouldn't be human if you didn't have at least some times where you hope that if anything bad must happen it happen to the child who has been the most difficult/gfgish. It just is normal to have feelings like that.

    It also takes a lot of guts to admit you have feelings like that. I admire you for facing up to your feelings - even when you don't like them.

    I hope the Mandy situation resolves soon. Does Cory think he will come live with you after his 30 days? If he is thinking they won't do anything on the gun he just might think that, esp if Mandy is still living with you.

    I hope you and Tony get some peaceful time together in the near future. I think that your body will appreciate that too.


  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think we are having a hard time really addressing exactly what needs to be addressed between the two of us. I keep trying to bring it up and he walks away. Sigh. I am hoping the state takes the whole living arrangement thing out of our hands so I dont have to deal with that for awhile. Then I only have to deal with the Mandy situation. That one will be hard enough. Tony feels sorry for her...sigh.

    Personally I dont. Thats just me but I have gotten over her difficult child antics long ago. I can smell a manipulative female difficult child a mile away by now. He is still taken in by her smile, poor me, cleaning up, and turning on the waterworks bit. been there done that and I wrote that book...lol.

    If all else fails, I think I will write a letter to the PO and enclose a copy of the pawn ticket and send it anonymously or maybe better yet, just do it on the computer and sign Tonys name to it. This just really needs to get done. Maybe if I give tony a letter to take in he will do it. He is just so not good with confrontation.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, I would write the letter and tell him to sign it and send it or you will do it yourself. It's his gun so he is the crime victim here. But it happened in your home, so someone needs to be sure that it is done.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree with Witz. And I so hear you about husband not being good with confrontation. My husband will do amazing things not to deal with feelings or confrontations.

    I am sorry Tony is buying into Mandy's act. I think that is partly a guy thing, partly a dad who never had a daughter thing.