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<blockquote data-quote="DammitJanet" data-source="post: 193145" data-attributes="member: 1514"><p>I dont even really know how I feel to be honest. Its really kind of odd. Maybe I am numb or resigned or just so detached. </p><p></p><p>My emotional response comes from the fact that he is my child and I cant help but have this niggling fear that the reality is there that I could truthfully lose both my younger sons in the next year. Then there is that god awful thinking that shouldnt ever be in a parents heart of...if one dies...why couldnt it be the one that is the "bad kid" and not the one who has done all the right things...ya know? Yes I guess Im bargaining with God. If I have to lose any, lose the right one please. Sad as that is to even think about. I dont want to lose either of them. That isnt what Im saying. I guess it is just where I am at because of the timing of this whole thing. </p><p></p><p>I havent said a word to Cory about what he said to me. I wont. Im not sorry for what I said to him. I think he needed to hear that he hit a nerve. I have kept quite a bit from the boys about my childhood because it really wasnt their business and my mom was their grandmother. They also didnt really need to know all about my abuse and previous sexual history in detail. None of their business. I had mentioned in passing when I took the childhood sexual abuse group that I had been molested as a child...nuff said. That should have been enough for anyone not to doubt me. If he had wanted more detail he could have asked in a nice way and I would have told him more but you dont attack me to get the information. </p><p></p><p>But that is neither here nor there.</p><p></p><p>Really...I think its going to take some time to process this all through. I am still waiting to see how this whole gun thing plays out. If Tony doesnt get his butt in gear and talk to the PO by Friday I am going to get a bit more insistent. I am not going to allow him to let this slide. Not if I have to take him by the hand and force the issue. It has to be done. I am ready to face whatever the consequences are to this. I have steeled myself to this. </p><p></p><p>I have already told Cory that I am not opening my phone for phone calls. Dont even try. He took envelopes and stamps. Letters will work just fine. I dont mind writing letters and I can take pictures of Keyana and send them to him. I also dont mind finding out the rules of the jail/prison and see if he can have books send from the publishers and send them. Other than that...he is on his own. Supposedly Mandy is going to do the canteen money. We shall see how long that lasts. If he gets to prison he can work to get his own canteen money. That would be good. Working would be good for him. </p><p></p><p>You know what the hardest part is? When people call that havent seen us for several months or longer. They always want to know what is going on with everyone. We have to fill them in on what all the boys are doing and we start with Billy and how he just finished his Hvac course but is still working for Radio Shack, next comes Jamie and how he is still doing great in his Animal Control job but that the Marines have recalled him and he is getting sent over to the sandbox for at least a year...and then there is Cory. Cory is away enjoying the residential placement of the state of NC. Multiple felon. What else can I say?</p><p></p><p>My health stinks.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="DammitJanet, post: 193145, member: 1514"] I dont even really know how I feel to be honest. Its really kind of odd. Maybe I am numb or resigned or just so detached. My emotional response comes from the fact that he is my child and I cant help but have this niggling fear that the reality is there that I could truthfully lose both my younger sons in the next year. Then there is that god awful thinking that shouldnt ever be in a parents heart of...if one dies...why couldnt it be the one that is the "bad kid" and not the one who has done all the right things...ya know? Yes I guess Im bargaining with God. If I have to lose any, lose the right one please. Sad as that is to even think about. I dont want to lose either of them. That isnt what Im saying. I guess it is just where I am at because of the timing of this whole thing. I havent said a word to Cory about what he said to me. I wont. Im not sorry for what I said to him. I think he needed to hear that he hit a nerve. I have kept quite a bit from the boys about my childhood because it really wasnt their business and my mom was their grandmother. They also didnt really need to know all about my abuse and previous sexual history in detail. None of their business. I had mentioned in passing when I took the childhood sexual abuse group that I had been molested as a child...nuff said. That should have been enough for anyone not to doubt me. If he had wanted more detail he could have asked in a nice way and I would have told him more but you dont attack me to get the information. But that is neither here nor there. Really...I think its going to take some time to process this all through. I am still waiting to see how this whole gun thing plays out. If Tony doesnt get his butt in gear and talk to the PO by Friday I am going to get a bit more insistent. I am not going to allow him to let this slide. Not if I have to take him by the hand and force the issue. It has to be done. I am ready to face whatever the consequences are to this. I have steeled myself to this. I have already told Cory that I am not opening my phone for phone calls. Dont even try. He took envelopes and stamps. Letters will work just fine. I dont mind writing letters and I can take pictures of Keyana and send them to him. I also dont mind finding out the rules of the jail/prison and see if he can have books send from the publishers and send them. Other than that...he is on his own. Supposedly Mandy is going to do the canteen money. We shall see how long that lasts. If he gets to prison he can work to get his own canteen money. That would be good. Working would be good for him. You know what the hardest part is? When people call that havent seen us for several months or longer. They always want to know what is going on with everyone. We have to fill them in on what all the boys are doing and we start with Billy and how he just finished his Hvac course but is still working for Radio Shack, next comes Jamie and how he is still doing great in his Animal Control job but that the Marines have recalled him and he is getting sent over to the sandbox for at least a year...and then there is Cory. Cory is away enjoying the residential placement of the state of NC. Multiple felon. What else can I say? My health stinks. [/QUOTE]
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